The Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever (In no particular order)

Man, you guys can have your PWI 500s and all that shit, but here at Kidnapped by Ninjas we're fucking bigger and better than those guys, and all of my writers are real people and not Stu Sacks pretending to be other people. Sadly, you won't be getting any psychological analysis from Dr. Sydney M. Basil in any of this. BUT you will get the ultimate of ultimate concepts, ultimately. The Ultimate Warrior will not be on this list.

ANY of us can post a profile of ANY wrestler we want at ANY time. Unless they're the Ultimate Warrior. If you want to get by on a technicality you can add the Dingo Warrior, though. It'll have maybe a picture, maybe us talking about why the person is awesome, maybe a youtube video, maybe you some artwork we drew of the guy, maybe just "Hulk Hogan: He is Good"

WRESTLER NUMBER ONE IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER may or may not be number one in all of our hearts. He's number one in someone's though...wait until you hear the story.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.....

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT

I give you...TUGBOAT



Here he is killing Iron Mike Sharpe.

Okay...look. I know the guy was Typhoon, and the Shockmaster run is LEGENDARY. Let me tell you something motherfucker, I have a story FAR MORE EMBARRASSING than the Shockmaster incident.

I've told a few of you this, and JDDelphin has told me I really had to tell everyone this, so man, you guys get this shit here.

So I'm at a WWF house show at the LA Sports Arena. I was probably like ten or eleven years old, and the main event was Hulk Hogan and Tugboat vs Dino Bravo and Earthquake.

Now, as things were then, the place was a SEA of red and yellow in support for The Hulkster. Well, save for a young lady in red and white.

You see, there was a woman, probably in her early twenties, normal looking enough. Well, other than what she was wearing. You see, she was dressed exactly like Tugboat. Red and white shirt, sailor hat, even little earrings shaped like captain's wheels. I give you...TUGBOAT GIRL.

Okay, now...this was strange. OF ALL THE FUCKING PEOPLE TO DRESS UP AS AND SUPPORT-fucking Tugboat? I mean, shit dude. I loved Hulk Hogan and was a total Hulkamaniac, but I knew Tugboat was just Hulk Hogan's friend of the month to do house shows with, like Hillbilly Jim, Paul Orndorff as a face, and Brutus Beefcake. It's like, we appreciated that Hogan had a partner, but we were there to see HOGAN fight Dino Bravo and Earthquake, his partner could have been Iron Mike Sharpe for all we cared.

BUT SHE CARED. And you know, Tugboat was the victim in this match, being destroyed by Bravo and Quake until he could make a hot tag to the Hulkster and clean house-this meant that most of the match was Tugboat getting the shit knocked out of him.

Earthquake fucks his shit up and flexes, and the crowd showers him with boos. Among the boos, I hear sobbing.

"GET UP TUGBOAT!"

Tugboat girl was having a total shit attack. With tears streaming down her red face, she was hoping with all her might that he'd make his way over and make the tag-not to win, but just to not die.

This makes Tugboat one of the Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever-for giving me this story to tell.

I often wonder what happened to Tugboat girl. Did she get clued into the inner workings of the sport and feel like an idiot? Does she still believe? Did she commit suicide when Tugboat became Typhoon? The world may never know.