Ninja Assassin Video Review

As promised, here's the video review for Ninja Assassin. Hopefully it gets on, I mean MY NAME ON THERE IS KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS LIKE THIS BLOG. THAT'S FUCKING INSTANT CREDIBILITY, SON.

November Projects and School

So a lot of you have gone to University/College whatever, some form of higher learning. You guys will understand that November, and its counterpart April, SUCK. Not just like, oh man that sucks. No like full on cock in mouth, suck rape.

This is it for me. My final November projects are coming to a close. I finished my last paper two weeks ago. I even made a big deal about it, had a party and everything. I was stoked, and now I am doing crap that isn't writing and I can't get into it. I do teach kids three days a week, kind of weird situation but I do it. I am going to be a full time teacher after Christmas. I am becoming an adult at a time in my life where I don't want to be. I am okay with all of that, but it doesn't make November any less shitty.

Why does every fucking professor decide that November is a great time for you to turn shit in. Just once I would like a professor to be like, Hey guys you know what, HALF OF YOUR GRADE IS DUE THE SECOND WEEK OF CLASSES! You get it over with. You're done, no more worrying. No I am sitting around the past couple of days putting together interventions for kids. Interventions that help kids read better to be specific. It's not hard, just tedious. When I finish the last one, I don't know what will happen. My academic career will basically be finished.

I still hate you November, and making every thing due at the same time. This post is for November. How much of an asshole the month is, and I'm already tired of writing about wrestlers. So I will not contribute to that anymore, not even to tell my funny house show stories. I will continue to post about food and southern culture, and any insane crap my 2nd graders do.

Wackydeli.

The Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever (in no paticular order)

Whats good my ninjas! It is I, CaesaroKing, bringin you some royalty in your life...Speaking of royalty, I am here to talk about one man that lives and breathes royalty...A man that really don't need no introduction.... I am talking about....





William Regal...

He is one of , in my opinion, underrated wrestlers today. He can be technical with the best or he can down right get hardcore with your ass. In his career he held many titles such as the IC Title(2 times), multi-tag champ inWWE, WCW TV Champion(4 times) and lets not forget that he is a honorary memeber of the Kiss My Ass club. He even trained some of the stars of today such as Chris Hero, Samoa Joe, CM Punk, Bryan Danielson, and Brian Kendrick.

Now to prove to you why this man should be in this list...Think back to William Regal vs Lance Storm on Monday Night Raw...When this match began, I thought it was just another filler until after Lance Storm hit a perfectly executed dropkick..Well se for ya self...




Just brutality at its finest. Now Storm said that the match wasn't stiff, but it sure did look like it to me. I hope to see in the near future before Regal hangs up the brass knucks, that he wins another title. Regal even said a quote that made me chuckle was back in WCW when he said to an interviewer "Do you know what my New Year's resolution is going to be? To wake up a half an hour earlier so I can hate you more." Just plain awesome.

The Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever (in no particular order)

You know something, Japanese TV is pretty lenient with what they let on the air. Violence and nudity can be pretty common on anything from anime to television gameshows.

But man, Japanese Wrestling TV isn't like that, right? I mean, shit. We had future listmakers Abdullah the Butcher carving up Terry Funk on national TV and getting huge ratings for All Japan.

Well, I would like to introduce you to someone. A rocker, a wrestler, and someone who is TOO HOT FOR JAPANESE TV. Let me introduce you to...

The Crazy SKB

Hardcore is a label thrown around far too easily in professional wrestling, but the Crazy SKB is the lead singer for a Hardcore band called QP Crazy, and wrestles a hardcore style for the 666 promotion, so HE'S DOUBLE HARDCORE.

Yeah, 666 is that promotion with the little girl that chokeslams people. The reason you've been able to see those clips online is because they were aired on Samurai TV's show Occupation of the Indies, an awesome magazine-styled showcase of smaller professional wrestling groups from all over Japan.

But you see, The Crazy SKB kind of broke the show. He has a unique style that involves him doing such things as putting on a coat made of firecrackers, lighting them, and jumping on a dude. Apparently, this is taboo in Japan or something, because whenever he does something cool in one of his matches, Occupation of the Indies CUTS TO STATIC. You hear all these little explosions and you're like OH SHIT DUDE and they don't show anything.

But hey, I wouldn't be your buddy if I wouldn't hook you up with some uncensored Crazy SKB action, so check some of this shit out.

Here he is wrestling Saddam, Osama, and Bush, teaming with HARASHIMA and Jun Kasai He's the guy with the white facepaint and the explosives.

This is the first Fanpost in KBN history..

Now some care, and others don't. Living in the heart of Dixie most of my life I have seen both kinds of people who like sports. I am a HUGE, like Lord Humongous HUGE, fan of Ole Miss Sports. I go to Womens Soccer games, I go to Softball games, I haven't missed a Baseball game in four years. So with that said I am ECSTATIC when our football team is good, and has national recognition for an entire year.

Today is an in state rivalry game, the second rivalry game in a row. Last week the Rebels defeated the Tigers of LSU, LAWL LES MILES YOU MORON. The Rebs travel to Starkville Mississippi, or as its joked around here as being the UDDER college since they're all about animal science and agriculture, to play the Mississippi State Bulldogs.

I didn't go to Starkville since I really hate the place. I hate everything about it. In Oxford there's a convenient central location to go hangout. Starkville has like one good bar, and probably the best bowling alley in Mississippi but that doesn't save your ass Starkville.

Oh yeah there's a place called Mugshots there with a huge burger. It's okay, but I prefer my Ajax burger or Redhouse or Huey's any day of the week.

So the game today is called the Eggbowl, I don't know why or care why it's called that. Last years Eggbowl was AWESOME and Ole Miss prevailed 45-0. It was hilarious and I laughed a lot, at toothless hicks trying to fight after the game.

So here's to Ole Miss Football, and here's to a guy I miss a lot this year on our team:



Mike Wallace holding a card of Mike Wallace.

Speaking of Ninjas...

Going to see Ninja Assassin tomorrow, most likely. Hopefully Denizen does too so we can have DUELING REVIEWS(even if we both feel the same way about it). I'm pretty excited. I'm not usually THAT excited about seeing movies, so hopefully it's not a letdown. I mean, JMS wrote it. He wrote the best Ghostbusters cartoons ever, and I love me some Ghostbusters...BUT he also totally fucked up Spider-Man and that was a lot more recent.

So yeah, expect that video review sometime Sunday, and expect more of the Top 1 Billion list. I was serious about artwork being mixed in there, so I want to work on some. I've been itching to doodle some Kamala. Shut up.

The Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever (in no particular order)

Conveniently enough, this post happens to coincide perfectly with the Top 1B list. :D
Last week, I was fortunate enough to find a discount-priced 3-pack tin of "WWE Legends Collection, Volume 2". It contained 6 discs of classic awesomeness (each of the 3 features themselves are available for a discount priced AFAIK), and though I promised to start with the feature on the AWA, I found myself with time to kill tonight due to the presence of reruns after SmackDOWN!

So I present to you the Man of the Hour, the Tower of Power, the Arizona flower who's TOO SWEET TO BE SOUR...

"Superstar" Billy Graham.

Most of us know this story by now: Billy Graham, the muscle-man...charismatic and all muscle-manly...wearing tie-dye shirts and boas...the original bleached-blond bad-boy bodybuilder of the squared circle who inspired Hulk Hogan (THE PYTHONS), Jesse Ventura (THE BOAS), and even Triple H (uh...er...THE GAME-UH!) and had a short-but-memorable reign as WWWF Champion (3 W's, people).

But there was other stuff most people didn't know unless they were voracious about wrestling history (or watched this 3-hour gem of a disc). There was his drug addictions, the fact that HE apparently instigated the infamous Steroid Trials that almost bankrupted WWFE and split up Vince and Hogan, the fact that Graham and Dusty had actually been a successful tag team (let alone the fact that Dusty apparently worked New York and Vince-Land BEFORE the late 80's), and the fact that there's no possible way in hell that Graham-with-hair could POSSIBLY be the same Graham as Graham-with-no-hair (even though it happened) because they look WAY DIFFERENT from each other.

And you know what else I learned watching this DVD? He actually made Vincent Kennedy (KENNEDY!!) McMahon feel bad for being a douchebag at some point. Yeah. Graham did that.

I still think he looks like Scott Steiner in 15 years (at pretty much any point in time), but damn if "Superstar" Billy Graham won't make the list...for the Top 1 Billion Wrestlers EVER.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee...there ain't NOBODY as pretty or as powerful as "Superstar" Billy G.

I Refuse To Participate

I don't want to see Kidnapped By Ninjas all bloated up with OMG RASSLER posts. I really don't give a shit about 40 paragraphs devoted to a person I probably already know about. Fuck that.

Tell me about food that tastes good and where to get it. I want hilarious stories and obscure game reviews. I wanna hear how bad BigKaboom smells.

So yeah, I'm on strike until all ONE BILLION wrestlers have been revealed.

See you in 2058.
When we all have robotic buttholes.

In the meantime, I'll be working on my new blog project: Ninjanapped by Kids

The Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever (In no particular order)

Hi wackydeli here and I am here to add to this list of awesome. Now I know a lot of you remember Koko B. Ware for his work in the WWF, erm WWE KBN ain't getting a lawsuit! But I will always remember him as that really dark guy that you can barely see on the crappy weekly Memphis Wrestling feed.

Koko was a high flyer, despite that gut of his that made the women of Beale go WILD! Before I tell the GREATEST storyline in wrestling history, I will acknowledge that he was a good wrestler. Hell he gave Owen Hart, the best Hart, a great break into the mainstream Vince led fed. He will always be the Bird Man to me, and him as High Energy was basically the same gimmick but stupid.

I would also like to tell you that Frankie his Parrot, yeah I actually knew the name of the bird without looking it up, died in a house fire a few years back.

On to my story, when I was younger Saturday mornings were like this:

1. Wake up and change clothes
2. Watch cartoons until eleven
3. Watch Memphis Wrestling until 1
4. Wrestle neighbors until dark on someones trampoline.

This was really awesome growing up but even I couldn't believe this angle they pulled once. They showed classics after the regular show, and I got to see all my favorite WWF stars before they were at the big time. One week we had a 20 man battle royale for the MEMPHIS TELEVISION TITLE! Well it came down to two guys, Jimmy Valiant and Koko. Koko won, and the crowd went nuts. If you have never seen old Memphis Wrestling in their studio let me try to paint a picture for you.

Imagine a living room with stands and a wrestling ring. That's it. Now fill these stands with the most ragtag group of tough guys you can find. Good. I like how you think. Now remember Memphis is kind of ghetto. Yeah that was Racist, sorry.

Anyway Koko goes to claim his title, and its an actual television! This is what it looked like:



Koko runs over and says, "I AM BRINGING THIS BACK TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD FOR ALL OF US TO WATCH MEMPHIS WRESTLING!!!"

I remember as a child thinking, did he just say everyone in his neighborhood is dirt poor and can't own a television. Well it doesn't matter but the crowd went nuts when he said this. The studio basically turned into Soul Train.

Then it happened. Valiant stormed the stage, hit Koko, and BROKE THE TELEVISION! Koko stands up and says, Ok I can't tell you yet. I want you to guess what you think he said. Take a moment, and just guess. Then read below:



"WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN, HOW CAN THEY WATCH MEMPHIS WRESTLING NOW!!!"

Is this what you thought? Probably not, but I will never forget it. For this one time story alone, I am boosting Koko B. Ware all the way up to NUMBER ONE WRESTLER OF ETERNITY!

Here's a raw match with Koko and Owen:





R.I.P. Frankie: We Lost a Good Bird

The Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever (in no particular order)

Well, I'm back. I don't have enough money to do any kind of reviews for new games, even if they were games for cheap bastards. However, the new concept of The Top One Billion Wrestlers Ever has reigned me back in to KBN, so here we go, Number THREE on the top one billion wrestlers ever (in no particular order).




Okay, so we have some horrible indies here in Southern Indiana. I mean, REALLY horrible. You guys who live out in all these indy hotspots have no idea how freaking lucky you all are. Philly gets tremendous diversity in all wrestling styles plus Mike fucking Quackenbush, Cali gets all that great lucha, Southern Indiana gets...this guy. And yes, those are tattoo sleeves, before you ask. Man up and live your fucking gimmick.

But here, there is one man who attempts to overcome, who attempts to save every single damn show in this region from the idiots attempting deathmatch garbage by just hitting each other with glass tubes until their brains fall out. Does he succeed in saving these shows? Hell no. But his effort alone earns him a spot on this list. For his committment to trying to save shitty deathmatch shows in Southern Indiana by being as entertaining as he possibly can, despite his rapidly decreasing physical abilities, I'd like to induct Tracy Smothers onto this list.

Most of you guys probably remember Tracy as either one half of The Wild Eyed Southern Boys with Steve Armstrong or as the dancing fool of the Full Blooded Italians in ECW. But nowadays, you'll find him every Saturday night in every single National Guard Armory, high school gym, and (I wish I was making this up) indoor soccer field across the lower half of the Crossroads of America, working his ass off to try to give the 10 or so people who showed up the best match they can get with a 19 year old kid who can just do a couple flips. Even if the match isn't really that good, you've got to admire the dedication of a man like that. There's one guy in every part of the country who does it: their bodies are deteriorating, they can't really go anymore, but they stick around anyways to do the best they can with what they've got. It's really that love of the business that drives the wrestling world on.

In commemoration, here's Tracy Smothers wrestling a bear and threatening to undress an Adrian Adonis ripoff managed by Harvey Whippleman.

The Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever (In no particular order)

It was 5 years ago at the Big Butler fair. My brother, my best friend, and I were there not to ride the Gravitron or eat deep fried Snickers - but to see good ole fashion indy rasslin. With a card featuring Mick Foley as a referee, CM Punk, Chris Candido, Jim Duggan, Honky Tonk Man..this was unmissable.

So we're walking through the fair grounds waiting for the show to start, and I notice Eric Xtasy walk past us. Nobody else recognized him but me, and immediately I marked out causing my two compadres to mark out as well. We rush over to meet and get autographs from Steerling James Keenan, the aforementioned Eric Xtasy...and Glenn Spectre.

At this time Glenn Spectre and Eric Xtasy were in a very gay tag team. Xtasy was the champion, but his character was more interested in tag teaming with his possible homosexual lover. That information has nothing to do with what happens next. Someone with us, not a wrestling fan, says that she doesn't know who any of these guys are. The three wrestlers aren't upset they just kind of accept that they are unknowns. I chime in:

"Don't be dumb. That's Alex Shelly!"

I immediately look stupid, and Glenn Spectre looks completely embarrassed. My friend corrects me in a split second and I feel about two feet tall. I still ask him for an autograph, and he says:

"I feel like an asshole but yeah."

To this day I have not lived that situation down. My friend bought the DVD of the show a few weeks ago and I had to relive it all over again...on a side note the DVD skipped because it was cheaply made.


For this story I salute Glenn Spectre as one of the top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever

The Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever (In no particular order)

Man, you guys can have your PWI 500s and all that shit, but here at Kidnapped by Ninjas we're fucking bigger and better than those guys, and all of my writers are real people and not Stu Sacks pretending to be other people. Sadly, you won't be getting any psychological analysis from Dr. Sydney M. Basil in any of this. BUT you will get the ultimate of ultimate concepts, ultimately. The Ultimate Warrior will not be on this list.

ANY of us can post a profile of ANY wrestler we want at ANY time. Unless they're the Ultimate Warrior. If you want to get by on a technicality you can add the Dingo Warrior, though. It'll have maybe a picture, maybe us talking about why the person is awesome, maybe a youtube video, maybe you some artwork we drew of the guy, maybe just "Hulk Hogan: He is Good"

WRESTLER NUMBER ONE IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER may or may not be number one in all of our hearts. He's number one in someone's though...wait until you hear the story.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.....

TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT

I give you...TUGBOAT



Here he is killing Iron Mike Sharpe.

Okay...look. I know the guy was Typhoon, and the Shockmaster run is LEGENDARY. Let me tell you something motherfucker, I have a story FAR MORE EMBARRASSING than the Shockmaster incident.

I've told a few of you this, and JDDelphin has told me I really had to tell everyone this, so man, you guys get this shit here.

So I'm at a WWF house show at the LA Sports Arena. I was probably like ten or eleven years old, and the main event was Hulk Hogan and Tugboat vs Dino Bravo and Earthquake.

Now, as things were then, the place was a SEA of red and yellow in support for The Hulkster. Well, save for a young lady in red and white.

You see, there was a woman, probably in her early twenties, normal looking enough. Well, other than what she was wearing. You see, she was dressed exactly like Tugboat. Red and white shirt, sailor hat, even little earrings shaped like captain's wheels. I give you...TUGBOAT GIRL.

Okay, now...this was strange. OF ALL THE FUCKING PEOPLE TO DRESS UP AS AND SUPPORT-fucking Tugboat? I mean, shit dude. I loved Hulk Hogan and was a total Hulkamaniac, but I knew Tugboat was just Hulk Hogan's friend of the month to do house shows with, like Hillbilly Jim, Paul Orndorff as a face, and Brutus Beefcake. It's like, we appreciated that Hogan had a partner, but we were there to see HOGAN fight Dino Bravo and Earthquake, his partner could have been Iron Mike Sharpe for all we cared.

BUT SHE CARED. And you know, Tugboat was the victim in this match, being destroyed by Bravo and Quake until he could make a hot tag to the Hulkster and clean house-this meant that most of the match was Tugboat getting the shit knocked out of him.

Earthquake fucks his shit up and flexes, and the crowd showers him with boos. Among the boos, I hear sobbing.

"GET UP TUGBOAT!"

Tugboat girl was having a total shit attack. With tears streaming down her red face, she was hoping with all her might that he'd make his way over and make the tag-not to win, but just to not die.

This makes Tugboat one of the Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever-for giving me this story to tell.

I often wonder what happened to Tugboat girl. Did she get clued into the inner workings of the sport and feel like an idiot? Does she still believe? Did she commit suicide when Tugboat became Typhoon? The world may never know.

TheDenizen talks Ninja

Beatings and Salutations to the readership of KBN! My name is TheDenizen and I like violence.

I'm also a junkie for movies, so violent movies are naturally up my alley. I like 'em in all shapes and sizes: Big Hollywood productions, low budget indys, foreign films, you name it. As long as there are several protracted scenes of someone doing grievous bodily harm to someone else, I'm all over it. That includes westerns, gore and horror flicks, kung fu, exploitation, crime/heist movies, or basically anything with samurai, ninja or Japanese schoolgirls.

Thus my tenuous link to Kidnapped By Ninjas. I'll be posting semi regular film reviews of whatever I happen to be watching. Sometimes they'll be detailed, and sometimes I'll post a group of themed capsule reviews. I'm telling you now though, I'm not going to bother reviewing huge blockbusters unless they are of extreme interest: go look up e-pinions or some shit if you wanna read about Twilight or the new Harry Potter flick.

My interests generally lie in the seedier underbelly of world cinema. Schlocky, micro budgeted amateur productions and trashy sleaze are much more likely to be highlighted than any Michael Bay movie. Giddy up. Hopefully I can turn some of you lovely folks on to a few of the lesser known films that so enrich my life.

With that out of the way, let's get this ball rolling...

Since this is Kidnapped by Ninjas! let's talk ninja flicks. The Ninja is enjoying a resurgence in popularity recently the likes of which hasn't been seen since the mid 1980s, largely due to the recent film Ninja Assassin (of course, there's also the whole lame internet war between ninjas and pirates, but screw that). Ninja Assassin might be grabbing the headlines these days, but let's have a look at a handful of ninja films from days gone by:

Samurai Spy (1965) - Awesome ninja action from director Masahiro Shinoda. This flick introduces all the cool ninja conventions that were staples by the time the 80s came along and ninja flicks were being cranked out by the dozen. Reverse jumping, shuriken flurries, rope darts, it's all here and filmed with incredible style. The plot is a little convoluted and deals with samurai politics in the wake of the Battle of Sekigahara, but it doesn't really matter. This flick is more concerned with making ninjas look cool as hell.

Chinese Super Ninjas aka Five Element Ninjas (1982) - pretty sweet Shaw brothers movie from the 80s about a gang of color-coded ninjas using unique elemental attacks to wipe out a clan of Chinese dudes. Tons of special weapons and cool moves as the ninjas kill just about everyone in the first 30 minutes. Then the last couple of guys figure out ways around all their individual ninja tricks and kill all the ninjas. Simple, but brilliantly executed with plenty of spraying blood and guts.

Duel to the Death (1983) - Two words: NINJA MAYHEM. This flick has so much incredible ninja crap, it hurts. There's a giant ninja, exploding ninjas, ninjas who fly on paper kites, Bugs Bunny-style burrowing ninjas, a naked female ninja with a huge net, you name it. It's Japan vs China in a sword swinging, limb hewing, finger ripping extravaganza. A bit talky in the middle, but the ninjas more than make up for that.

Red Shadow (2001) - This movie was awesome for about 20 minutes, then it turned into a painful endurance test. After a bit of cool stylized ninja action, we are forced to hear endless moaning and moralizing from ninjas who don't want to kill! WTF? Just kill stuff and shut up, you're fucking ninjas! The attempts at comedy fall completely flat. A big disappointment, I can't believe I finished the whole thing.

Ninja Checkmate (1979) - I get burned blind buying shit all the time. I see a cheap DVD with "ninja" in the title and my will melts. This flick actually doesn't have a single ninja in it, but was just a random English title slapped on an imported kung fu DVD from China. I mention it only to highlight this annoying and devious practice of DVD distributors. That being said, this film (aka Mystery of Chess Boxing) is actually an excellent old school kung fu movie starring Mark and Jack Long. Worth checking out, despite the dearth of ninja related content.

I know I've skipped the well known North American series of Ninja movies starring Sho Kosugi, but I figure if you don't know about THOSE already you have no hope.

See you all next time, I gotta go watch someone get their face ripped off.

ohhhhh radiooooo...........

hey what's up y'all? it's your guy HC. Back in the day as a kid i used to think songs on the radio were sung by people i know. this made music like 8000000 more times awesome.I swore to god my brother's friend James made "it takes two" by rob base and DJ EZ rock. I also thought Marvin Gaye was a member of the California raisins. I remember hearing cradle of filth at a friend's house in 8Th grade and imagining a dude singing with a triceratops's skull for a headdress. Boy was i disappointed when i saw what he really looked like, anyways I'll be back with more fiddle faddle (which makes an excellent cereal BTW) probably something along the headlines of "THE SMOKING SECTION"or something cute like that. Have a good thanksgiving ninjas and ninjarettes, I'll be working at 5am friday morning. sigh, black friday and no ice cube or mike epps....DAAAAAMN!!

Discount WWE...and it's ACTUALLY WORTH THE MONEY

FYE's got a sale going on from now until Black Friday, and I took advantage of it. A 3-pack (Legends Pack tin-boxed edition, Volume 2) of DVDs (Dusty Rhodes, AWA, Billy Graham) totalling 6 discs and 18 hours of classic action, retailing for $35, on sale for $20.

BOO-YA, folks. I'll be watching them all (starting with the 2-disc AWA set) and reviewing them here.

So here's to Nick Bockwinkel defending the AWA Title against Hulk Hogan, and the feud that ended up changing the face of professional wrestling forever as a result of Nick's super-dickery. The odyssey starts with AWA and ends with Dusty Rhodes; wish me luck, peoples.

Rice.

Rice is fucking awesome. You can pretty much add anything you want to rice, and it'll still be edible.

The best kind of rice is the sticky shit you get from Chinese restraunts. Not the flavored stuff, mind you, the plain white rice.

But, homemade rice can be awesome. In fact, if you got thirty minuites and you want a damn good lunch, I got just the thing for you: make a rice bowl meal. You know, like you can get in Japan.

Now, I never actually had a Japanese rice bowl. So my rice bowls probably taste NOTHING like the real thing. But, what I do make is pretty damn good.

So here's what you do. You take a half cup of white rice... WHITE rice, mind you. Yellow rice is fucking shit. Now, you take a saucepan, the smaller the better, and bring a cup of water to a boil. Don't add the rice until the water is boiling. In fact, after the water boils, take a spoonful of butter (or margarine or whatever) and put it into the water first, stir it up and put the stove to simmer before adding rice. Stir for a bit more. Now, get whatever spices and shit you have, pick out your favorites and add them in. Me, I use garlic and red pepper. Also add a tablespoon of sugar too. Trust me on this. Rice + Sugar = Awesome. Now, stir that shit up, and put whatever timer you got in your kitchen to, say, 17 minuites.

While you're waiting for your rice to cook, get two eggs and a frying pan ready. Also, get some pre-cooked meat, either leftovers or cold cuts; chicken, steak, ribs, whatever.... get that shit, cut it up into small chunks, put it on a plate and pour a shitload of teriyaki sauce on them. I use Kikkoman garlic-flavored teriyaki myself. Anyway, put that shit in your microwave, put the mic set for one minuite, but DON'T start it until the timer's done.

When the timer IS done, spray some cooking spray on your pan and put it on another part of your stove, on high. Turn off the burner the rice is on, but don't take it off the heat. Now, crack open the eggs and fry em up, try not to break the yolks. Wait until it's JUST so the whites are cooked but it's still runny, take the eggs and the rice off the heat. NOW you start your microwave.

Put the eggs into the rice, break the yolks and stir until the meat's done. Once the meat's done, take it out, and put it, as well as the runoff teriyaki sauce, into the rice and stir that shit up to.

Oh, and rice is always best when eaten with chopsticks. Anyone who tells you chopsticks are hard to use either have really shitty hand-eye coordination or are just plain fucking stupid. You can buy chopsticks online, for as low as five bucks a pair plus S+H. Plus, they're also good for gouging the eyes of that annoying waiter who keeps asking you every five fucking minuites if everything's okay, and takes away your drink to top it off when you still have half of it left.

...or so I've been told...

Hello FOLKS

This is my first attempt at writing a blog and hopefully it won't completely suck. I don't lead the most entertaining life, but I do have stories occasionally and I do watch movies from time to time and don't mind ranting when they suck, or praising a good movie if I see one. I also watch a fair amount of sports, like mma, boxing, football, and college basketball, so I'll try to contribute my wildly sought-after opinions on those subjects.

Today I'd like to address one of my biggest phobias: public restrooms.

Now you may read that sentence and say, ' wow, what a vagina', but I have my reasons. I never had a problem with public restrooms until I went camping for a weekend about 7 or 8 years ago, and had to use those fucking horrid, yet often convenient inventions called Porta-Potties, or Porta-Johns, or whatever.

Walking into one of these shitholes (lulz, literally, lulz) and being smacked in the face by the stench of day old piss and shit, combined with the smell of whatever that chemical is they use in those things is enough to make me want to walk back outside and just defecate on myself. The experience that weekend scarred me for life, and to this day I have terrible dreams because of it.

I had one of said dreams just last night, and thank God, because now I have something to write about!

This one started out like most of them, where I'm at work and suddenly have to piss like mad. This is usually because I actually DO have to piss, and am sleeping so well all my brain can do is come up with some repulsive dream instead of actually waking me up.

So, here I am, desperately looking for a bathroom and the first one I come to is a complete wreck. It's always the same. Some asshole with explosive diarrhea has come in and just fucking SPRAYED everything and apparently it was fun because as I run from bathroom to bathroom, I find that this prick has been to every one. Here I am, on the verge of pissing myself, and I'm having to watch my step, and can't touch anything, because it's all covered in this cocksucker's feces. Oh, and the funky smell of the chemical they put in the Porta-Johns is there, too, just too add to my nausea. Usually it gets bad enough that my body finally wakes up and I actually do go take the monster piss I've been holding in throughout this whole nightmare.

Just thought I'd share this classy store with everyone, because it was fresh on my mind and plus, I needed something to contribute so Troma didn't start calling me names behind my back. I'll try to have something a little less fucked up to write about next time. Later.

Ludum Dare 16

by SonnyBone
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So I'm going to be entering Ludum Dare 16 this year. What is Ludum Dare? It's a video game design competition where you have 48 hours to design a game from scratch by yourself. Leading up to the competition, themes and categories are nominated. The day before the event, everyone votes on their favorite theme. Then, 5 minutes before the contest begins, they announce the winning theme and everyone races to complete their game.

The theme for Ludum Dare 15 was CAVERNS. Every game had to involve caverns in some way. Past themes include Minimalism, Advancing Wall of Doom, Roads, and Infection.

So... since I can't start thinking about the game I want to make... all I can come up with are theme suggestions. The one that keeps popping up in my head is:

TURN BASED EATING

Think about it.

How fucking stupid does that sound?

But really...

Think about it.

HOW FUCKING AWESOME DOES THAT SOUND?

I will one day design a game that will allow you to jam a wire into your tongue and then you just eat whatever the fuck you want to earn points. Shitty food makes you die and great food makes you GOD. We could battle online to see who can eat better food. Me VS Wackydeli in a beer / southern cooking fite.

BUT I DIGRESS.

I need theme ideas for Ludum Dare 16. Wacky shit. Crazy shit. Something that would NEVER be voted upon.

POST EM UP SUCKAZ

Rob Liefield and the Vague Power of Kicking Ass

So I don't buy new comics anymore. They bore the shit out of me because they put 2 issues of story into 6 issues. So all the substance is stretched out to the point of being almost not there. Sure the art is prettier now, but everything is being written by completely pretentious jerk offs that think that everything should be put back into the same status quo that they had when they were kids. Which is fine if you're afraid of forward progress. Instead, I've been spending my money on older comics. Specifically 90s comics. They are regarded by internet comic "fans" as being the worst things every made (yet they buy New Avengers, but whatever man, it's your money). I disagree. I find them to be very entertaining and just plain awesome.

This brings me to the title. So I've bought a lot Image comics. They're good (most of the time anyway). My main complaint is that Rob Liefield creates a lot of characters with the vague power of just kicking ass. These are guys who are skilled at all hand to hand fighting styles, they can shoot any gun regardless of it's ridiculous size, they're almost always obscenely over muscled yet somehow are all world class gymnasts. Here's a list of characters from some of the Liefield titles that featured characters with the vague power of kicking ass.


Chapel: In the beginning he was a good guy on Youngblood then he ended up being a bad guy (and was the guy that killed Spawn) and then government gave him Super AIDS because he was an asshole. Then they stuck him on a team full of people who kept getting brought back from the dead. I did not make any of that up. THE GOVERNMENT GAVE HIM SUPER AIDS BECAUSE HE WAS AN ASSHOLE.

Vogue: She's some Russian Spy who runs around with weird hair. I don'r really know a lot about her because in the issues I have she doesn't do much.

Shaft: He not only gets the vague power to kick ass, he also gets a space bow and arrow. It uses magnets or gravity or some shit like that to shoot arrows without using a bow string. Who cares WHY, he has an awesome stringless bow and he kicks ass!

Battlestone: Of Brigade is a guy who fought in World War II alongside an Atlantean Prince named Roman (which is definitely not Namor spelled backwards), and some other guys. He also got killed in the past and was brought back to life through Project: Born Again. They mention that he doesn't have super powers, yet somehow he throws people like ragdolls and punches through robots. Why does he do things? Because these things kick ass and that's what he does.

Prophet: He was built by Nazis, to fight some menace like a thousand years in the future WITH SWORDS. Also he gets his power to kick ass from some satellite and nearly dies when the thing was deactivated, but then it gets turned back on by a midget from the future named Kirby (who also had the power to kick ass, only he is short while he does it).

Cabbot: He is the leader of Bloodstrike. Like the rest of the team, he was killed and brought back to life by Project: Born Again. While everyone else had some sort of power (and in one case a giant robot) he's stuck just being able to kick ass.

Boone, Lethal, and Kayo: These three are members of Brigade (Battlestone's group) and they all seem to just kick people's ass for no discernible reason.

On top of those characters there is also every villain who has the power to kick ass just long enough to be a threat to who he's fighting but not long enough to actually win. Most of the time they're shady government guys or some other conspiracy group, but they share the undefined power of being "really good in a fight."

Also anyone that is a fan of shooting things should be playing Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2.

Irie

Irie is a newish, still not even a month old, seafood joint in Oxford. It's located next to AJAX, so it already has tough competition. However the selling point that got me there was the 25 beers on tap. Leinenkugel on TAP got me there alone. So Saturday I went out during the football game, since everyone was there, and decided to sit at the bar and just have a Leinenkugel. Well I started smelling the food and decided against it.



I got the grilled salmon, cheese grits, and slaw. It was very good, despite what others have told me about the place. I eat fish three times a week, and it wasn't dry. Maybe I got lucky? Maybe they just knew who I was? Maybe others just don't know what good food tastes like? I'm going with that.

I just wanted to share this with you guys. Especially while thinking about it when taking a break from studying for my certification test in the morning. FISH FOOD IS GOOD FOOD!

HORRIBLE

Man, I've heard buzz about Tom MaGee being the worst professional wrestler of all time, and I think this guy has Giant Gonzalez beat for sure. I didn't know the guy had worked his way to Japan, though, based on his looks alone. Get ready for some HARD HITTING PURORESU ACTION:



This guy makes Giant Baba's chops look like they're coming from Big Van Vader in comparison.

Day 5

So I went back to the doc this morning. I told him the meds were having the opposite effect. He said to give it another week and if it's still happening then we will do something different.

In other news I got a hot dog last night from THE HOT DOG GUY on the Oxford Square. For three dollars you can get a fucking great hot dog. I went with the poultry dog actually, and it starts my weekend off to a great start.

Sorry no pictures.

Crazzzy

So my doc put me back on the crazy pills. No more alcohol which Is
fine. I was on a world record pace to drinking myself to death last
weekend. Which is when a friend stepped in and made me go back to my
psych. Back on the meds and the psych is calling me everyday to see
how I am and to let me tell him what's up.

First day on new meds. Reverse effect happens of what is planned. I
weep openly in public for over 4 hours because I can't stop.

Lately my life has been shitty. Being extremely lonely to the point
that because I'm so drunk out a bartender takes my phone and calls a
friend to come deal with me instead of just kicking me out.

This post brought to you by wackydeli. And is something new, the trip
with a legit severely depressed individual.