TheDenizen talks End of the World

Hello again, ninja dudes.

Gonna change gears this entry and talk about something other than ninjas for once. Today it's all about the Apocalypse, or more specifically, Post-Apocalypse. We all know that Mad Max was fucking awesome, and Road Warrior was even better (let's just pretend that Thunderdome never happened, ok?), and they were both very influential. Since Mad Max movies were relatively cheap to produce and made a shit-ton of money, it was only natural that million crappy knockoffs with tough dudes kicking ass in the wasteland would flood the market shortly thereafter.

And flood the market they did. Italy, Spain and the Philippines started cranking out these shitburgers like there was no tomorrow. Universally cheap and rushed, these flicks are a gold mine for the connoisseur of celluloid abortions like myself. Let's examine a small handful of examples from the Post Apocalypse genre.


2020: Texas Gladiators (1982) - This flick is about a group of 5 Rangers who travel around a post-nuclear war Texas meting out justice in a lawless land. It starts out with an incredible assault on a wasteland church by a horde of slavering mutants (well, guys with green paint on their faces). They crucify the priest, and gangrape one of the nuns while another nun desperately slashes her own throat with a shard of glass to avoid the same fate. The Rangers show up, fill the church with smoke bombs and then use shotguns and machetes to slaughter every single mutant as they run out. Sweet. Sadly the rest of the film doesn't quite live up to the opening, as one of the Rangers goes rogue right away and another quits to join up with a group of civilians trying to defend and repair a factory/refinery. A group of evil bikers led by the rogue Ranger eventually show up and massacre/enslave the civilians, and the remaining 3 Rangers are left to exact bloody revenge. Not bad, but it does drag through the middle a bit. Tons of squibs.

The New Barbarians (1982) - This Z-grade Italian flick is brutal. As in brutally bad. I'm going to spoil the shit out of it here, so if you don't wanna know, skip ahead. After a nuclear holocaust, an evil gang of homosexual bikers dressed as Stormtroopers and calling themselves "The Templars" are on a mission to exterminate the few remaining humans. Into the mix comes Scorpion, an Italian Mad Max wannabe with a badass car and a score to settle with the Templars. He gets captured and RAPED by the Templars, but then gets saved by Fred Fucking Williamson, who chews up the low budget scenery as an invincible archer. They team up and wipe out the Templars in a protracted and ridiculous scene full of guns that go "pew pew". The End. There, I just saved you an hour and a half of corny dialog and awful slow-mo action scenes (and male rape).

Stryker (1983) - They obviously had a bit of a budget for this one, since they had real tanks and an actual Interceptor just like Mad Max's but they must've spent all their money there. The "story" is some ridiculous twaddle about finding a new fresh water source in the aftermath of a nuclear war, but really it's just 90 minutes of bad actors staggering about a gravel pit shooting at each other. They're killing each other over a few drops of water, but no one ever mentions where all the gas for their dozens of vehicles comes from. I had to go back and rewatch several parts because I could barely stay awake during this snooze-fest.

The Warrior and the Princess (1984) - This chunk of schlock is essentially a remake of Yojimbo/Fistful of Dollars in a nuclear wasteland setting with David Carradine in the lead role. Carradine is a warrior monk (shocker) who wanders into a dirty little town controlled by two rival factions, both vying for control of the only well in the area. Unbelievably cheap and cheesy, but it does have a mutant chick with four tits.


Recently Post Apocalypse films are back in vogue, with Hollywood throwing some real money at the productions. Current examples of the type include the excellent Children of Men, The Road, and the upcoming Book of Eli with Denzel Washington fucking people up with a machete. Lookin forward to that one.

Also, at some point in the new year, the HeadNinja and myself are planning to post a special review of "Escape from the Bronx", another Italian Post Apocalypse monstrosity. Don't miss it.