The New Phantom Movie Sucks

The Phantom (2010)

To sum up this movie, it's a symphony of stupid. From almost the opening scene to the end, the movie just scoffs at intelligence. There are going to be some spoilers ahead, so if you care about the integrity of a SyFy movie, you might want to stop reading.

Lets get the good things out of the way before I begin to just insult every single thing about this movie that they made for SyFy. The acting isn't that bad, and for the most part, the camera work is good.

Now comes the shit that just destroys every positive thing there could be about this movie.

-A very poor car chase. Nothing positive about this, because it just flashes between a woman and her kid, named Kit, being chased by some dudes in another vehicle. Then the bad guys start shooting at them with automatic weapons and manage to hit nobody, but then the mom drives the car into a river. At which time, the bad guys use a cell phone to declare that they are dead.to whoever their boss is.

-An evil Cable company. Seriously. An evil cable company that has mind control technology. FUCK. YOU.


-Parkour. This is the worst thing to hit movies. It looks silly, and it's fucking stupid. I can understand people who like to DO it, but if you enjoy watching it, you're a moron and I hope you get sterilized before your mouth breathing mongoloid children join the world's population.

-Oh I'm sorry, they aren't an evil cable company, they're an evil Hindu terrorist group consisting of some Indian dude, and a bunch of white people who seem like they think that he is going to rape them.

-So when the police arrest you for misdemeanors (and going as far as arresting you for crimes without any evidence or indication of the crime even happening), they enter your DNA into a computer system. I know that this is bullshit, because I got arrested for an actual crime and they didn't check my DNA. BECAUSE THAT ISN'T LEGAL.

-But it gets worse. Not only did they check his DNA illegaly, but apparently people just sit around monitoring DNA checks and then compare them to the DNA of a guy that has been dead for 20 years to see if they're related. This wasn't even the Evil Cable Company doing this retarded shit, this was the Good Guy secret organization.

-Ah, but the bad guys know the same information and sent ASSASSINS!!!!!! OH SHIT, THESE ASSASSINS KNOW PARKOUR. THIS SHIT JUST GOT EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEME.

-Again, Parkour is fucking stupid. Just fucking stupid.

-OH. A suit that gets signals from your brain (without being connected to your brain in any way) that becomes invincible when you think about it. It also gives super strength through the magic power of imaginary science.

-Ah the old I rechamber my .45s to shoot bigger bullets even though I never use guns to kill trick.

-Oh! Now I understand. The bad guys want to keep the Middle East unstable because they are EEEEEVIIIIIIL.

-MORE PARKOUR.

And that was The Phantom.