The Phantom (2010)
To sum up this movie, it's a symphony of stupid. From almost the opening scene to the end, the movie just scoffs at intelligence. There are going to be some spoilers ahead, so if you care about the integrity of a SyFy movie, you might want to stop reading.
Lets get the good things out of the way before I begin to just insult every single thing about this movie that they made for SyFy. The acting isn't that bad, and for the most part, the camera work is good.
Now comes the shit that just destroys every positive thing there could be about this movie.
-A very poor car chase. Nothing positive about this, because it just flashes between a woman and her kid, named Kit, being chased by some dudes in another vehicle. Then the bad guys start shooting at them with automatic weapons and manage to hit nobody, but then the mom drives the car into a river. At which time, the bad guys use a cell phone to declare that they are dead.to whoever their boss is.
-An evil Cable company. Seriously. An evil cable company that has mind control technology. FUCK. YOU.
-Parkour. This is the worst thing to hit movies. It looks silly, and it's fucking stupid. I can understand people who like to DO it, but if you enjoy watching it, you're a moron and I hope you get sterilized before your mouth breathing mongoloid children join the world's population.
-Oh I'm sorry, they aren't an evil cable company, they're an evil Hindu terrorist group consisting of some Indian dude, and a bunch of white people who seem like they think that he is going to rape them.
-So when the police arrest you for misdemeanors (and going as far as arresting you for crimes without any evidence or indication of the crime even happening), they enter your DNA into a computer system. I know that this is bullshit, because I got arrested for an actual crime and they didn't check my DNA. BECAUSE THAT ISN'T LEGAL.
-But it gets worse. Not only did they check his DNA illegaly, but apparently people just sit around monitoring DNA checks and then compare them to the DNA of a guy that has been dead for 20 years to see if they're related. This wasn't even the Evil Cable Company doing this retarded shit, this was the Good Guy secret organization.
-Ah, but the bad guys know the same information and sent ASSASSINS!!!!!! OH SHIT, THESE ASSASSINS KNOW PARKOUR. THIS SHIT JUST GOT EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEME.
-Again, Parkour is fucking stupid. Just fucking stupid.
-OH. A suit that gets signals from your brain (without being connected to your brain in any way) that becomes invincible when you think about it. It also gives super strength through the magic power of imaginary science.
-Ah the old I rechamber my .45s to shoot bigger bullets even though I never use guns to kill trick.
-Oh! Now I understand. The bad guys want to keep the Middle East unstable because they are EEEEEVIIIIIIL.
-MORE PARKOUR.
And that was The Phantom.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
TheDenizen's TV Movie of the Century
Howdy, ninja gang...I'm back from my vision quest in the desert.
I've been caught in the swirling undertow of the time sink that is Read Dead Redemption for the last several weeks (too soon to declare GOTY?), but I've finally finished that up and gotten back into the swing of watching the crappiest movies I can find. I've got a backlog of shit to watch that would stagger a proctologist, so I soldier on.
One of the unexpected joys of mining the depths of lesser known world cinema is the occasional unearthing of an absolute gem. I recently watched the 1984 British made-for-TV nuclear holocaust film Threads, and not only was it the best film I've seen in ages, it gets my nod as the best TV movie I've ever encountered. I thought it would be a bit of a laugh, but I was dead wrong.
There are a couple of types of post-holocaust film: the predominant Mad Max action type, with outlaws and raiders racing around the wasteland and blowing each other up over resources, and the rarer scaremongering type which try to frighten people with dramatizations of how horrible the aftermath of nuclear war would truly be. Probably the best known American example of the latter is "The Day After", another TV movie from the same Cold War era as Threads. However, The Day After was full of melodrama and Hollywood heroics, and painted a cheesily unrealistic picture. The blunt realism of Threads is shocking in comparison.
Threads focuses on two working class families in Sheffield, England, which is the country's fourth largest city and one of the main centers of industry. The film slowly builds up the characters of Ruth and Jimmy, a young couple expecting a child, as well as their parents and siblings. In the beginning, there are news reports of tensions in the Middle East that everyone ignores. But as Jimmy and Ruth find an apartment and begin building their lives together, the tensions suddenly escalate into a very real threat of war between America and the USSR.
As panic gradually builds, people begin hoarding food and building bomb shelters according to government issued instructions. Contingency plans are put into motion, but suddenly 200 megatons falls on England and fucks up everything. Millions are killed in the initial blasts, and the survivors quickly discover that their shelters are woefully inadequate. Weakened by radiation sickness, hunger and disease, many millions more don't survive the first weeks. The film then continues on to tell the story of some of the few people remaining in England over the course of the next 13 years, struggling to cope with the reality of a world where everything left is irradiated.
The brilliance of Threads is twofold. One, it is disturbingly realistic looking. The filmmakers employed the expert knowledge of many scientists and nuclear theorists in writing the script, and filmed in a documentary style. The direction is flat, there is a monotone voiceover filling in necessary details, and almost no music to speak of. It feels real. Two, it doesn't flinch away from the horrific truth of the effects of nuclear explosions and fallout at all. Burning corpses, dead children, desperate and violent looters, radiation burns and projectile vomiting, completely ineffective government measures, mutations, it's all here. The only thing that Threads shies away from is cannibalism, which is never mentioned...although we do see survivors reduced to eating rats and raw animal carcasses.
Even without the cannibalism, Threads is relentlessly bleak and joyless, grisly horror piled upon horror, and the ending ruthlessly snatches away the one tiny shred of hope that exists. Threads aired on British TV in an era when most people only had 4 TV channels...millions of people saw this and it must've scared the bejesus out of Thatcher's England. It scared the bejesus out of me. And I loved it.
I do enjoy a good downer movie, and Threads is the granddaddy downer. It forces you to recognize the futility of trying to think or plan what you would do in the same situation. There's nothing you could do and there's nothing the survivors can do except keep going. Everyone should see this, especially horror buffs...it really is frightening. Powerful and affecting, seek Threads out and watch it.
Until next time...
I've been caught in the swirling undertow of the time sink that is Read Dead Redemption for the last several weeks (too soon to declare GOTY?), but I've finally finished that up and gotten back into the swing of watching the crappiest movies I can find. I've got a backlog of shit to watch that would stagger a proctologist, so I soldier on.
One of the unexpected joys of mining the depths of lesser known world cinema is the occasional unearthing of an absolute gem. I recently watched the 1984 British made-for-TV nuclear holocaust film Threads, and not only was it the best film I've seen in ages, it gets my nod as the best TV movie I've ever encountered. I thought it would be a bit of a laugh, but I was dead wrong.
There are a couple of types of post-holocaust film: the predominant Mad Max action type, with outlaws and raiders racing around the wasteland and blowing each other up over resources, and the rarer scaremongering type which try to frighten people with dramatizations of how horrible the aftermath of nuclear war would truly be. Probably the best known American example of the latter is "The Day After", another TV movie from the same Cold War era as Threads. However, The Day After was full of melodrama and Hollywood heroics, and painted a cheesily unrealistic picture. The blunt realism of Threads is shocking in comparison.
Threads focuses on two working class families in Sheffield, England, which is the country's fourth largest city and one of the main centers of industry. The film slowly builds up the characters of Ruth and Jimmy, a young couple expecting a child, as well as their parents and siblings. In the beginning, there are news reports of tensions in the Middle East that everyone ignores. But as Jimmy and Ruth find an apartment and begin building their lives together, the tensions suddenly escalate into a very real threat of war between America and the USSR.
As panic gradually builds, people begin hoarding food and building bomb shelters according to government issued instructions. Contingency plans are put into motion, but suddenly 200 megatons falls on England and fucks up everything. Millions are killed in the initial blasts, and the survivors quickly discover that their shelters are woefully inadequate. Weakened by radiation sickness, hunger and disease, many millions more don't survive the first weeks. The film then continues on to tell the story of some of the few people remaining in England over the course of the next 13 years, struggling to cope with the reality of a world where everything left is irradiated.
The brilliance of Threads is twofold. One, it is disturbingly realistic looking. The filmmakers employed the expert knowledge of many scientists and nuclear theorists in writing the script, and filmed in a documentary style. The direction is flat, there is a monotone voiceover filling in necessary details, and almost no music to speak of. It feels real. Two, it doesn't flinch away from the horrific truth of the effects of nuclear explosions and fallout at all. Burning corpses, dead children, desperate and violent looters, radiation burns and projectile vomiting, completely ineffective government measures, mutations, it's all here. The only thing that Threads shies away from is cannibalism, which is never mentioned...although we do see survivors reduced to eating rats and raw animal carcasses.
Even without the cannibalism, Threads is relentlessly bleak and joyless, grisly horror piled upon horror, and the ending ruthlessly snatches away the one tiny shred of hope that exists. Threads aired on British TV in an era when most people only had 4 TV channels...millions of people saw this and it must've scared the bejesus out of Thatcher's England. It scared the bejesus out of me. And I loved it.
I do enjoy a good downer movie, and Threads is the granddaddy downer. It forces you to recognize the futility of trying to think or plan what you would do in the same situation. There's nothing you could do and there's nothing the survivors can do except keep going. Everyone should see this, especially horror buffs...it really is frightening. Powerful and affecting, seek Threads out and watch it.
Until next time...
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Things are looking up for Mad Magazine
Mad Magazine switched to a quarterly format last year, which immediately started rumors that the magazine was on its last legs. They canceled Mad Classics and Mad Kids on top of all of this, so they were significantly cutting back, and four times a year just wasn't enough for Mad fans.
Well, some good news just hit. Mad is now going to be BIMONTHLY, giving everybody two more issues a year. While this is a sign of good fortune coming Mad's way, that's not even the huge news.
Mad Magazine is getting its own animated series on the Cartoon Network.
More details on the deal are going to be published in the next issue of Mad which hits stands August 15th.
Well, some good news just hit. Mad is now going to be BIMONTHLY, giving everybody two more issues a year. While this is a sign of good fortune coming Mad's way, that's not even the huge news.
Mad Magazine is getting its own animated series on the Cartoon Network.
More details on the deal are going to be published in the next issue of Mad which hits stands August 15th.
Friday, June 18, 2010
I would LIKE to make a movie as well...
I am jealous of my fellow Kidnappers having such ready access to willing co-stars and camera-people...and pro-style movie cameras (I have a cheap non-HD vid-cam and a point-and-shoot non-HD with rounded anamorphic lens, neither of which are conducive to good even-amateur on-the-spot movies).
Unfortunately, I am not one of those people who inspires rousing loyalty from my friends and acquaintances, so I'm SOL.
:(
(I DO have some experience, having had camera-work experience thanks to my Freshman year--my only year, by the way--at Allegheny College, and having done more than a little of the principal photography, as well as having a nice little bit part, in the DEE fan film "Final Fantasy v. Kaiju Big Battel"...which is officially endorsed by KBB's own Dr. Cube!)
Anyone here in the New York City area need a dependable cameraperson/writer/actor? I'm available...
Unfortunately, I am not one of those people who inspires rousing loyalty from my friends and acquaintances, so I'm SOL.
:(
(I DO have some experience, having had camera-work experience thanks to my Freshman year--my only year, by the way--at Allegheny College, and having done more than a little of the principal photography, as well as having a nice little bit part, in the DEE fan film "Final Fantasy v. Kaiju Big Battel"...which is officially endorsed by KBB's own Dr. Cube!)
Anyone here in the New York City area need a dependable cameraperson/writer/actor? I'm available...
Friday, June 4, 2010
I Also Made a Movie...
(Tagline) "Tonight there is going to be a murder" says Dr. Marlowe in the opening scene of Christyanity Studios debut picture. This sets a precedent for what is to come; bone-chilling horror, mind-blowing terror, and heart breaking tragedy. Only one man can stop the madness, and his name is Gumshoe.
(Plot) Dr. Marlowe and his cronies take to the streets of Clearfield in the name of murder; Detective Gumshoe takes to the streets in the name of justice. Which side will prevail in this classic tale of good versus evil? Why don't you roll the dice and find out...this one is a crap shoot.
It was called "Of Dice and Men". We filmed it over a year ago, and while it's pretty shitty there are a lot of scenes I'm very proud of like the head smash and the rape.
In case you are wondering I'm "Dr. Marlowe" or aka the dude in the black hate and 2 sizes too small coat. All of the music was done on a Casio from 1988..the ending credits song is by my band "Beforehead" which is just fantastic work. It was filmed on my buddy's cousin's handheld camera.
This is a monster at 40 minutes with 4 10 minute parts.
HOPE YOU ENJOY
(Plot) Dr. Marlowe and his cronies take to the streets of Clearfield in the name of murder; Detective Gumshoe takes to the streets in the name of justice. Which side will prevail in this classic tale of good versus evil? Why don't you roll the dice and find out...this one is a crap shoot.
It was called "Of Dice and Men". We filmed it over a year ago, and while it's pretty shitty there are a lot of scenes I'm very proud of like the head smash and the rape.
In case you are wondering I'm "Dr. Marlowe" or aka the dude in the black hate and 2 sizes too small coat. All of the music was done on a Casio from 1988..the ending credits song is by my band "Beforehead" which is just fantastic work. It was filmed on my buddy's cousin's handheld camera.
This is a monster at 40 minutes with 4 10 minute parts.
HOPE YOU ENJOY
Thursday, June 3, 2010
So, I Made A Movie And Stuff.
Machinery Making Modern Music (in association with a group a couple of my friends made, GIHAGI Studios, and the MV94 News team) made a movie. A freaking movie, dude. Well, a short film...that honestly isn't awesome as I'd hoped, but still. Freaking wewt.
It's called "Espuniage: Aldo Giovanni vs Chuck and Taylor". We were assigned to do a video about some new security measures that the school instituted. Pretty lame pitch, honestly, but nonetheless, we got to work. What came out was a hilariously bad 1940s crime drama mixed with an 80s B cop movie, with 2000s stupidity and sensibilities. It's supposed to be a campy spy vs spy kinda deal, and was mainly inspired by the Homestar Runner cartoon Dangeresque. I wrote, directed, and edited this, with rewrites and other type things coming from my class colleagues. Even though they helped, this was pretty much my baby, and I think the people in my group would probably concur with that. It was also made on a shoestring budget on 3 different cameras, all of which weren't that awesome. If we had filmed the whole thing on one of the cameras, it wouldve been in widescreen but, alas, quality is not our friend. Also, I had to edit part of it in Windows Movie Maker, which honestly makes me gag. Oh well, I have new editing software now, rock.
Here it is...
Let me know what you think. Comments, critiques, etc. are very welcome.
- FishHook
It's called "Espuniage: Aldo Giovanni vs Chuck and Taylor". We were assigned to do a video about some new security measures that the school instituted. Pretty lame pitch, honestly, but nonetheless, we got to work. What came out was a hilariously bad 1940s crime drama mixed with an 80s B cop movie, with 2000s stupidity and sensibilities. It's supposed to be a campy spy vs spy kinda deal, and was mainly inspired by the Homestar Runner cartoon Dangeresque. I wrote, directed, and edited this, with rewrites and other type things coming from my class colleagues. Even though they helped, this was pretty much my baby, and I think the people in my group would probably concur with that. It was also made on a shoestring budget on 3 different cameras, all of which weren't that awesome. If we had filmed the whole thing on one of the cameras, it wouldve been in widescreen but, alas, quality is not our friend. Also, I had to edit part of it in Windows Movie Maker, which honestly makes me gag. Oh well, I have new editing software now, rock.
Here it is...
Let me know what you think. Comments, critiques, etc. are very welcome.
- FishHook
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