Hello, kidnappers and kidnapees, and welcome to the return of Trash and Treasure: Gaming on a Budget! I am your long-time absentee host, FishHook. I truly do apologize for the lack of writing for this column, but I honestly stopped buying games for awhile, or at least games that would fit into this budget gamer category. Also, I've been doing some rad stuff for preparation for college and getting something of a "production company" together called Machinery Making Modern Music Productions (or 4M for short), which will be the banner I will post any of my future projects under. I had a blogpost about that earlier though, so I won't waste time talking about it here. I'll just get right into the rating scale explanation!
I use a simple scale that will take into account not only the quality of the game with the standard measures of Gameplay, Graphics, Sound, and Replay Value, but also the fifth value of Affordability, how well the game stacks up at its current price point. The final rating of a game is not an average of these individual ratings, but a subjective rating that falls within one of three categories. The categories are as follows...
Pawn Shop Paraphernalia (The Low End)
- These are games that are either simply horrendous games that aren't worth any amount of currency no matter what or games that are hideously overpriced for their value. As the budget gamer, these are titles to avoid.
Decent Value Deal (Middle Of The Road)
- These are either merely OK games at a great value or great games at a value that may not be affordable to the budget gamer. These are games that the budget gamer should consider, but they aren't completely must-buy titles.
Tremendous Gaming Treasure (The High End)
- These are great games at great values. Tons of fun to be had at a low price point, these are the budget gamer's Nirvana and should be picked up at any cost. Even the gamer with a ton of expendable income should look into these high-class titles.
Now then, let’s move things along to our next review, Double Fine Productions’ latest work, the action RTS Brutal Legend!
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The boys at Double Fine Productions have created another underappreciated work of gaming art. After 2006’s phenomenal Psychonauts (which, if you’re wondering, is totally a Tremendous Gaming Treasure), Tim Schafer’s company began work on something very near and dear to Schafer’s heart: metal! The end result is a very unique action/RTS game that will give you neck cramps from the amount of headbanging you’ll be doing.
In Brutal Legend, you play as Eddie Riggs, rock and roll roadie caught in the wrong generation of pop rock. After some idiocy from the band that leads to the set falling on Eddie and trailing blood on supposedly magical belt buckle, the set comes to life, rips the band apart, and sends Eddie into a world made of heavy metal album cover motifs: car parts growing from the ground like flowers, grandiose pillars of amps, and guitars that fire lightning and literally melt faces. In this mystic world, the roadie is a commander of battle, the organizer of combat. Eddie finds his calling with Stonehenge, a rebellious human group fighting against devilish creatures and glam-head humans that sold out to the dark overlords. In fighting for the Stonehenge resistance, you’ll guide Riggs through a twisting story based in (of all things) love, loyalty, and vengeance. The story, while not seemingly as good as some of Schafer’s other works, is still very funny and engrossing and the characters really come to life.
Speaking of engrossing, Brutal Legend’s free roaming world is an absolute wonder to play around in. Animals freely roam through the country-side (and by animals, I mean boars with chrome wheels and flaming tailpipes and hedgehogs with steel quills), majestic mountains with rock gods carved into the face, garages that go straight into the depths of hell, and headbangers moshing around abandoned sets, just waiting for the next show. The world is beautifully crafted. It may not be the most technically wondrous as far as graphics goes, but it’s one of the best when it comes to style and feel. The characters are creative and ooze metal motifs and enemies really feel like enemies of metal, and when you actually take control of Eddie, you’ll quickly find death is indeed their reward.
The gameplay is very different from what people expected from Brutal Legend…and I’m failing to see why that’s a bad thing. People just expected God of War with a guitar and the game was actually bashed in reviews for having RTS elements. I just don’t understand it. The ‘Stage Battles’ as they’re called are an absolute blast to play. Setting up your stage, assaulting fan geysers with merchandise to take control of them to gather more troops for your metal crusade, they’re all done incredibly intuitively through the in-game mechanics. You never feel like you’re never in control of your legions, as the complexities of RTS gameplay have been simplified to 4 main controls: hold position, defend, attack, and follow the leader. It works well despite its simplicity. The only problem, in my opinion, with the game is what you get to do in between the Stage Battles. While these battles of the bands are extremely fulfilling, you don’t get much in the side-missions. Race the same guy in your bad-ass street rod; defend a position with a mounted machine gun; blow some shit up, wash, rinse, repeat. Don’t get me wrong, the action sections are fun, it’s hard to feel unfulfilled when you’re slicing Poision-style glam rockers in half with an ax while powersliding into dozens of unruly minions and blowing them up with the sheer force of your rock, but it’s simply repetitive. Another problem with the gameplay is the difficulty. It’s nearly non-existent throughout most of the game, but as soon as you get to the last couple of Stage Battles, it gets unbelievably hard. That gap in difficulty is off-putting, and led me to some very frustrating moments where I wanted to smash my 360 controller like a Les Paul.
The thing that kept me from doing so was the incredible sound design. The soundtrack is a perfect set piece to the game, with legendary riffs and powerful drums creating the perfect atmosphere. Music is integral to every mission, with the metal setting the mood for every single one of your exploits. The music is also an awesome distraction: if you get frustrated with those last few Stage Battles like I did, just hop in the Druid Plow and listen to "The Mob Rules" while smashing into everything in your path for a little while. I guarantee it will keep you playing. The voice acting is top-notch as well. Stars like Jack Black, Lita Ford, Rob Halford and Lemmy Kilmeister lend surprising depth to their characters. Topping the charts in voice acting is Ozzy Osbourne's depiction of the demonic master of the Metal Forge where you buy upgrades; the Prince of Darkness never fails to force a smile upon your face. And while enemies and allies have repetitive voice samples (you'll hear Headbangers say "We're on patrol!" more times than you'd ever want to hear), nothing every feels annoying or takes you out of the universe the game creates.
In terms of replayability, Brutal Legend offers one major victory: online Stage Battles! These are incredibly fun and keep the good times rolling for quite awhile in this game. There's little incentive to play through the single player mode again though, all you really get is a harder difficulty level. And, of course, it is an Xbox 360 game, so you will get some replayability if you are an achievements whore. Other than that though, the game struggles to recapture your attention if you aren't Live-enabled.
So how does this package come presented to the budget gamer? Despite a much heavier advertising campaign than Double Fine's last work, the backing of Electronic Arts, and a superstar voice acting crew, Brutal Legend still didn't sell that well. While this is disappointing for the industry, it's great news for the budget gamer, as you can pick up the game for a mere $20 new, and around the $17 range used. That is an incredible deal for the amount of enjoyment you'll get out of this game.
So, where does it fall in the ratings scale? If you've been reading, it's pretty obvious that I view this as a Tremendous Gaming Treasure. The game simply exudes charisma and charm from the second the opening video with Jack Black walking into a record store and finding the mysterious Brutal Legend record that leads you into the main menu. It's simply a creative masterpiece, and while the side-missions can be repetitve, the difficulty is out of whack and the lack of replayability if you're not an online gamer is concerning, it's all worth it to come to this mystical world of rock and roll.
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That'll do it for me this time. Tune in next time for more of the trash and treasure from the bottom of the bargain bin barrel!
- FishHook
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Teh Wrasslin Newzwire
Or, holy crap OR actually posted here.
For you ZOMGers (because, lets face it, nobody outside of ZOMG and FPC are ever going to read this blog) who don't know, I'm doing a kinda-comical mostly-psuedo wrestling news blog now.
In an unrelated matter, Deadliest Warrior is awesome. If you disagree, let me ask you this: What other show features a dude literally disemboweling a pig carcass with katars?
Exactly.
For you ZOMGers (because, lets face it, nobody outside of ZOMG and FPC are ever going to read this blog) who don't know, I'm doing a kinda-comical mostly-psuedo wrestling news blog now.
In an unrelated matter, Deadliest Warrior is awesome. If you disagree, let me ask you this: What other show features a dude literally disemboweling a pig carcass with katars?
Exactly.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Go watch the movie Lo right now.
So last night all my friends had gotten off of Modern Warfare 2 and I didn't feel like playing all alone. So I turned off the game and opened up the Olde Tyme Netflix Instant Queue. I've got tons of stuff in there, some of it I'm really never going to watch but I don't want to remove because "Hey, you never know." I've had this little movie named Lo in there for a while now. I put it in there because it has a cool looking picture and it's about a dude summoning a demon (I pretty much adore Satanic Ritual movies).
So I slap on the movie and it starts off good. By good I mean that they used a decent camera. I absolutely HATE a movie that looks like a home movie or looks like it was filmed as a soap opera. In fact I tried a different movie before Lo, but it had such awful film quality, I turned it off in less than 5 minutes (that movie was called Pusher by the way. I proceeded to remove it and its two sequels from my queue).
It jumps right into the demon summoning. The guy summons a demon named Lo because he wants the demon to find his girlfriend who was kidnapped by a demon. Lo responds with a simple question "Where the fuck am I?"
The movie is basically the interactions between Lo and Justin. Their conversation is where most of the exposition comes from. The dialogue is good so it doesn't sound like the end of a Scooby Doo cartoon while they're explaining motives and all that. Also helping this are the actors who do an excellent job at everything that they're trying to do.
Lo does something that I haven't seen in a movie (and to tell the truth I don't watch many independent movies because most of them look like dog shit). The entire movie takes place in a single room. While this sounds like a handicap, it isn't, and it works around this in a creative way. I don't want to spoil it but it is just so different from what I usually watch that it was quite refreshing.
So with all that verbal fellatio I just heaped onto this movie, you should go watch it immediately. Rent it, buy it (probably not very expensive on Amazon but I don't feel like looking).
Also there is a documentary series on youtube from the creator that is pretty cool as well. There's also the official trailer on there (which I'm gonna post a link to just below this line).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhFsK7e8wUo
So I slap on the movie and it starts off good. By good I mean that they used a decent camera. I absolutely HATE a movie that looks like a home movie or looks like it was filmed as a soap opera. In fact I tried a different movie before Lo, but it had such awful film quality, I turned it off in less than 5 minutes (that movie was called Pusher by the way. I proceeded to remove it and its two sequels from my queue).
It jumps right into the demon summoning. The guy summons a demon named Lo because he wants the demon to find his girlfriend who was kidnapped by a demon. Lo responds with a simple question "Where the fuck am I?"
The movie is basically the interactions between Lo and Justin. Their conversation is where most of the exposition comes from. The dialogue is good so it doesn't sound like the end of a Scooby Doo cartoon while they're explaining motives and all that. Also helping this are the actors who do an excellent job at everything that they're trying to do.
Lo does something that I haven't seen in a movie (and to tell the truth I don't watch many independent movies because most of them look like dog shit). The entire movie takes place in a single room. While this sounds like a handicap, it isn't, and it works around this in a creative way. I don't want to spoil it but it is just so different from what I usually watch that it was quite refreshing.
So with all that verbal fellatio I just heaped onto this movie, you should go watch it immediately. Rent it, buy it (probably not very expensive on Amazon but I don't feel like looking).
Also there is a documentary series on youtube from the creator that is pretty cool as well. There's also the official trailer on there (which I'm gonna post a link to just below this line).
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Friday the 13th Part 2 "Review"
First things first - I never realized they killed Crazy Ralph this early in the series. I swear he is warning those kids before getting on the cruise in Jason Goes to Manhattan. But yeah, I did remember the death scene, but I never noticed he was strangled with barbed wire. EC-DUB! EC-DUB!
On to some actual reviewing...I think this is a lot better than Friday the 13th 1. As a kid I never thought much of this sequel cause Jason didn't have his hockey mask yet, but as an "adult" I really enjoyed the pacing of this one, especially the chase/showdown at the end. The scene where the lead girl puts on Pamela's sweater is really good stuff.
Jason is totally human in almost to a fault. For instance, he breaks a chair while standing on it and falls down like a goon. Then he cowers like a little bitch when confronted with a chainsaw (though it isn't really fair. He wasn't using machinery. Keep it clean)
The skinny dipping scene is a good stuff even now. From the first scene with that girl you knew you wanted to see those tight shorts displaced in favor of nudity, and you get a good bit of it. And, while we're on the subject of that chick, I liked the fake-out through the movie of her dog being dead. Muffin showing up in the end and Jason jumping through the window is classic.
The only big flaw of this movie is that nerdy guy surviving. I couldn't remember if he was killed or not when I popped this in, and the whole movie I'm just waiting to see that idiot get slaughtered. I was less than pleased with his shenanigans throughout. Hopefully that character crashed on the way back from the bar.
Part 3 has been my favorite for years so I hope to put it under the microscope soon. This weekend I'm going to watch some shit like Legion, Pandorum, and probably obscure stuff on Netflix. I may post "reviews" for all of those before I get to Part 3 (which could be a bit cause of Red Dead Redemption among other things).
On to some actual reviewing...I think this is a lot better than Friday the 13th 1. As a kid I never thought much of this sequel cause Jason didn't have his hockey mask yet, but as an "adult" I really enjoyed the pacing of this one, especially the chase/showdown at the end. The scene where the lead girl puts on Pamela's sweater is really good stuff.
Jason is totally human in almost to a fault. For instance, he breaks a chair while standing on it and falls down like a goon. Then he cowers like a little bitch when confronted with a chainsaw (though it isn't really fair. He wasn't using machinery. Keep it clean)
The skinny dipping scene is a good stuff even now. From the first scene with that girl you knew you wanted to see those tight shorts displaced in favor of nudity, and you get a good bit of it. And, while we're on the subject of that chick, I liked the fake-out through the movie of her dog being dead. Muffin showing up in the end and Jason jumping through the window is classic.
The only big flaw of this movie is that nerdy guy surviving. I couldn't remember if he was killed or not when I popped this in, and the whole movie I'm just waiting to see that idiot get slaughtered. I was less than pleased with his shenanigans throughout. Hopefully that character crashed on the way back from the bar.
Part 3 has been my favorite for years so I hope to put it under the microscope soon. This weekend I'm going to watch some shit like Legion, Pandorum, and probably obscure stuff on Netflix. I may post "reviews" for all of those before I get to Part 3 (which could be a bit cause of Red Dead Redemption among other things).
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Friday the 13th Part 1 Review
The film starts with camp songs inside of a cabin followed by two young people getting murdered by a mystery assailant after fooling around. To me this is a great way to start a franchise here. You basically get promised sex and death within the first five minutes. Anyways, since that scene takes place only a year after Jason is dead is should be obvious for anyone watching this for the first time that it isn't going to be Jason doing the killing. I watched this with someone who had never seen it before, and it didn't dawn on him until Pamela Voorhees showed up that "oh yeah, his mother is the killer in this one".
After that first scene we are following a young girl who we think is going to be the lead, but within 10 minutes her throat is slit in the woods. All she did was hitchhike. I just touch on this slightly: horror movie rules. Yeah, it was cool and funny when Wes Craven did it in Scream, but every jackass who watches a horror movie spouts these "rules" off as gospel. As if they are smarter than the material.
Well fuck you. These "rules" were a joke in Scream making fun of cliches. Most of the Friday the 13th movies don't even follow these rules. For instance, the fat kid in Part 3 gets murdered for no reason as does the girl near the lake. In fact, Alice Hardy drinks alcohol in this movie and doesn't die (she does get killed in the second movie, but that is irrelevant). I never want to hear anybody say these "rules" out loud again. You're not funny and you have ruined the joke in Scream.
Back to the movie. I feel that Steve Christy, the guy who is re-opening the camp, was creepy in his few scenes. There was almost an undertone of him being a pervert, but it is never rightly explored. I think had he raped someone or been peeping it would have added another dynamic, almost another villain, to this movie. Perhaps he could have been killed while peeping, or been a plot device as the suspected killer? They planted those seeds by having him drive the same looking jeep as Mrs. Voorhees and such, but again I feel they either dropped the plot line or didn't even realize it.
Ralph in this movie is incredible. If you're seeing this for the first time he could easily be suspected as the killer, especially after he pops out of the closet. That scene is actually quite hilarious looking back. He's says all this ominous stuff, and then rides a bicycle with a little basket on the front of it in to the woods.
Speaking of hilarious, watching this again that cop on the motorcycle is really funny. The motorcycle sound effect they used was way too loud for a bike just moving two feet down the road at 2 miles an hour, and add that with the actor almost losing control of it and I thought it was as goofy as Ralph. I can't tell if this was intentional or not because of the way Kevin Bacon and the other kids mess with the cop, but I'll just pretend it wasn't and enjoy it.
One more thing: since I was a kid I always though Pamela gave Alice the bird after getting her head chopped off. If you had asked me before I watched this again I would have swore to god that it played out like that...perhaps I was watching a different cut on the movie as a kid? I know some uncut version is out on DVD and Blu-Ray, but I don't think that was the version I watched on VHS as a kid. The version I watched yesterday was from the boxet. If anyone has any information about that I'd like to know.
So anyway, yeah. This isn't much of a review but more of a collection of misc thoughts I had while watching the movie. I like this style a little better than a full on review, because a lot of re-hashing of plot details and fluff aren't interesting to read for a 30 year old movie.
Now I'm off to re-watch Part 2.
After that first scene we are following a young girl who we think is going to be the lead, but within 10 minutes her throat is slit in the woods. All she did was hitchhike. I just touch on this slightly: horror movie rules. Yeah, it was cool and funny when Wes Craven did it in Scream, but every jackass who watches a horror movie spouts these "rules" off as gospel. As if they are smarter than the material.
Well fuck you. These "rules" were a joke in Scream making fun of cliches. Most of the Friday the 13th movies don't even follow these rules. For instance, the fat kid in Part 3 gets murdered for no reason as does the girl near the lake. In fact, Alice Hardy drinks alcohol in this movie and doesn't die (she does get killed in the second movie, but that is irrelevant). I never want to hear anybody say these "rules" out loud again. You're not funny and you have ruined the joke in Scream.
Back to the movie. I feel that Steve Christy, the guy who is re-opening the camp, was creepy in his few scenes. There was almost an undertone of him being a pervert, but it is never rightly explored. I think had he raped someone or been peeping it would have added another dynamic, almost another villain, to this movie. Perhaps he could have been killed while peeping, or been a plot device as the suspected killer? They planted those seeds by having him drive the same looking jeep as Mrs. Voorhees and such, but again I feel they either dropped the plot line or didn't even realize it.
Ralph in this movie is incredible. If you're seeing this for the first time he could easily be suspected as the killer, especially after he pops out of the closet. That scene is actually quite hilarious looking back. He's says all this ominous stuff, and then rides a bicycle with a little basket on the front of it in to the woods.
Speaking of hilarious, watching this again that cop on the motorcycle is really funny. The motorcycle sound effect they used was way too loud for a bike just moving two feet down the road at 2 miles an hour, and add that with the actor almost losing control of it and I thought it was as goofy as Ralph. I can't tell if this was intentional or not because of the way Kevin Bacon and the other kids mess with the cop, but I'll just pretend it wasn't and enjoy it.
One more thing: since I was a kid I always though Pamela gave Alice the bird after getting her head chopped off. If you had asked me before I watched this again I would have swore to god that it played out like that...perhaps I was watching a different cut on the movie as a kid? I know some uncut version is out on DVD and Blu-Ray, but I don't think that was the version I watched on VHS as a kid. The version I watched yesterday was from the boxet. If anyone has any information about that I'd like to know.
So anyway, yeah. This isn't much of a review but more of a collection of misc thoughts I had while watching the movie. I like this style a little better than a full on review, because a lot of re-hashing of plot details and fluff aren't interesting to read for a 30 year old movie.
Now I'm off to re-watch Part 2.
Friday, May 7, 2010
LUCHA LIBRE ON MTV2
Well, MTV2 is trying to broaden its horizons by adding some more sports stuff to their network, and they chose lucha libre.
Which is apparently filming somewhere in Vegas over Memorial Day weekend.
Allow me to over-analyze the situation.
Now, I love lucha and I fucking can't wait for this show. A bunch of people probably feel exactly the opposite because they're afraid it'll become WS-Mex or something, but man, I loved WSX. Now, I've loved a lot of things MTV did that got canceled pretty quickly, so I have to say my optimism has been pretty clouded by a big fat dose of history.
How do I think the show is going to be? Well, I think it's going to be pretty heavy on comedy, but comedy has always been a pretty big part of lucha, and it's also going to be pretty heavy on holy-shit highspots. I really don't think we will see any of the overlooked technical aspects of lucha libre, aka "Wacky Mexican Submissions" which I fucking love in lucha...but you'd have to educate an audience on why they're awesome and man, that's fucking hard. I don't think I've done that in any of my Lucha Libre for Gringos vids yet, because the majority of my stuff is AAA and they kind of stay away from that stuff for the most part as well. You see plenty of that in CMLL and IWRG though.
How would I run the promotion if I was doing it?
MIDGETS OUT THE ASS DUDE. I'd have Mascarita Dorada and build the whole fucking show around him, or at least a VERY significant portion. The guy makes fans wherever he goes, and if I truly feel that ONE luchador could be a breakout, crossover star that could be popular in the US(I'm not talking about being in some telenovelas and Dancing with the Stars or some shit), it's him.
HIRE CASSANDRO. USE HIM ALL THE TIME. Nuff said, really.
FUCKING CRAZY GIMMICKS. Shit like the Psycho Circus and Soccer Goats and Monsther and Chucky need to be on every show. I'm not saying every guy needs to have that over the top of a gimmick, but you need something that will draw people in while flipping around the channels- because if regular lucha was already doing that, people would just be watching it on the Spanish channel instead.
LUCHADORAS- Hey, why not?
THE ESTELLAR MOMENTS REELS- Highlights of dives and crazy moves from around the lucha world. This is always a highlight to see on Mexican TV, and MTV needs to steal the fuck out of this.
SUBTITLED INTERVIEWS- Don't do a MXC on this shit and don't try to force everyone to speak English, and don't get a bunch of non-luchadores on the show. Make it ALL LUCHA, ALL THE TIME. If I wanted to see a bunch of Americans wrestle I'd just watch AAA.
BURN.
HAVE A BUNCH OF SIX MAN TAGS- Seriously, these are important in lucha, but I have a feeling they're going to go one-on-one with this shit for some reason. Just a gut feeling, I guess. Explain the wacky lucha rules to the fans. I can do it on a fucking youtube video, so they can do it on a TV show.
I hope it's not a half hour long, too. Yet, I feel it will be.
I really hope this is something that not only is something different on TV, but changes the way that wrestling matches are presented, because right now you have WWE being WWE, and TNA trying to be WWE, and AAA trying to be WWE, and CMLL waaaaay off in the distance when it comes to production values. Speaking of which, do that instant replay where you can see the guys' skeletons. That was the shit.
Which is apparently filming somewhere in Vegas over Memorial Day weekend.
Allow me to over-analyze the situation.
Now, I love lucha and I fucking can't wait for this show. A bunch of people probably feel exactly the opposite because they're afraid it'll become WS-Mex or something, but man, I loved WSX. Now, I've loved a lot of things MTV did that got canceled pretty quickly, so I have to say my optimism has been pretty clouded by a big fat dose of history.
How do I think the show is going to be? Well, I think it's going to be pretty heavy on comedy, but comedy has always been a pretty big part of lucha, and it's also going to be pretty heavy on holy-shit highspots. I really don't think we will see any of the overlooked technical aspects of lucha libre, aka "Wacky Mexican Submissions" which I fucking love in lucha...but you'd have to educate an audience on why they're awesome and man, that's fucking hard. I don't think I've done that in any of my Lucha Libre for Gringos vids yet, because the majority of my stuff is AAA and they kind of stay away from that stuff for the most part as well. You see plenty of that in CMLL and IWRG though.
How would I run the promotion if I was doing it?
MIDGETS OUT THE ASS DUDE. I'd have Mascarita Dorada and build the whole fucking show around him, or at least a VERY significant portion. The guy makes fans wherever he goes, and if I truly feel that ONE luchador could be a breakout, crossover star that could be popular in the US(I'm not talking about being in some telenovelas and Dancing with the Stars or some shit), it's him.
HIRE CASSANDRO. USE HIM ALL THE TIME. Nuff said, really.
FUCKING CRAZY GIMMICKS. Shit like the Psycho Circus and Soccer Goats and Monsther and Chucky need to be on every show. I'm not saying every guy needs to have that over the top of a gimmick, but you need something that will draw people in while flipping around the channels- because if regular lucha was already doing that, people would just be watching it on the Spanish channel instead.
LUCHADORAS- Hey, why not?
THE ESTELLAR MOMENTS REELS- Highlights of dives and crazy moves from around the lucha world. This is always a highlight to see on Mexican TV, and MTV needs to steal the fuck out of this.
SUBTITLED INTERVIEWS- Don't do a MXC on this shit and don't try to force everyone to speak English, and don't get a bunch of non-luchadores on the show. Make it ALL LUCHA, ALL THE TIME. If I wanted to see a bunch of Americans wrestle I'd just watch AAA.
BURN.
HAVE A BUNCH OF SIX MAN TAGS- Seriously, these are important in lucha, but I have a feeling they're going to go one-on-one with this shit for some reason. Just a gut feeling, I guess. Explain the wacky lucha rules to the fans. I can do it on a fucking youtube video, so they can do it on a TV show.
I hope it's not a half hour long, too. Yet, I feel it will be.
I really hope this is something that not only is something different on TV, but changes the way that wrestling matches are presented, because right now you have WWE being WWE, and TNA trying to be WWE, and AAA trying to be WWE, and CMLL waaaaay off in the distance when it comes to production values. Speaking of which, do that instant replay where you can see the guys' skeletons. That was the shit.
TheDenizen talks boobs and bars
Alright kids, time for some more trash cinema.
TheDenizen is back and I've got celluoid cells on the agenda. Jail cells, that is.
A prison makes a great setting for a movie. Two opposing uniformed gangs (prisoners and guards) have to coexist in a tightly controlled, institutionalized environment. Dramatic tension is always high and the potential for violence is ever present. Not to mention the fact that filming in concrete rooms and plain grey hallways can be done pretty fucking cheap. Make it a women's prison and cast a bunch of babes and you've got yourself box office gold. Today I'm going to discuss a selection of Women In Prison films.
WIP movies go back to the 40's and 50's, but the films from that era were generally chaste morailty plays designed to scare young women away from a life of crime. It wasn't until Spanish sleaze merchant Jess Franco came along in 1969 with his shocker 99 Women that WIP films became about exploitation, reveling in lurid displays of flesh and sexual sadism. 99 Women was a hit, and established the formula that the vast majority of subsequent WIP movies adhered to.
A wide eyed, naive young woman is brought to a prison to begin serving her sentence (she's sometimes guilty of a crime of passion but usually completely innocent). She's introduced to the sadistic warden, is forced into a shower and given a revealing prison uniform, and then mixed in with the general population. She encounters tough lesbians, gains the respect of other prisoners by winning some catfights, endures torture or rape at the hands of the warden and ultimately leads a jailbreak attempt. The escape often fails with the prisoners being killed or returned to their cells.
It seems like kind of a downer, but dozens of profitable films have been made using pretty much that exact outline. Of course, the appeal lies not in the riveting storytelling, but in the pervasive nudity and the BDSM fantasy of the (usually fairly tame) torture sequences. It's not everyone's cup of tea to be sure, but if you can enjoy this type of thing, there are some great flicks out there to be seen. Anyways, enough rambling, here's some quick reviews.
99 Women - the first, but not really the best. I already mostly described this one, so let me mention this: As with many European WIP movies, 99 Women exists in both R and X rated versions. The X rated stuff is most often (as in this case) cheap looking hardcore insert shots filmed by someone else, making no effort to match the sets or the actors to the people in the real movie. Be preapred for that if you plan to delve into the X rated or Unrated cuts of WIP flicks.
Female Prisoner 701: Scorpion - Meiko Kaji plays Sasori, a woman falsely imprisoned after being betrayed and framed by a former lover and his gang. Sasori is not just tough, she's incredibly bright and determined, and after enduring the standard WIP trials (including a very sexy lesbian scene with an undercover cop posing as a fellow prisoner), Sasori actually escapes the prison and exacts bloody revenge on all the men who put her there. A classic that spawned three sequels.
The Big Dollhouse - Mmmm, Pam Grier. A bunch of other hot chicks, too, but mmmm...Pammy. Also Sid Haig. This one was directed by Jack Hill, who made a handful of blaxploitation films with Grier. An all female prison in the Phillipines somehow has mostly hot American girls as prisoners, who get into the usual trouble and catfights. One of the best produced WIP films.
Virgins from Hell - super campy stuff from Thailand, about an all girl motorcycle gang who commit violent robberies to fund an assault on a criminal compound. The plot is ridiculous and convoluted, but basically these chicks fail utterly and get captured by the criminals, who keep them locked up in an underground cave to test their aphrodesiac drugs on (seriously). Thai film laws forbid nudity, so part of the appeal of this one is how retarded it is seeing two chicks in evening gowns having a catfight in a tub, or lesbian sex scenes that consist of fully clothed soft kissing and sultry looks. Hilarious crap, and full of crazy action and stunts.
Lost Souls - this variation on the WIP theme involves a large group of illegal immigrants from mainland China who are captured for ransom by a sadistic gang outside of Hong Kong. The prisoners, men and women alike, are stripped naked and kept in a filthy barn and are subjected to all manner of abuse. Some are tortured, some are raped and they all end up dead or deported. This was actually quite grim and unpleasant; genuinely sadistic instead of camp-sadistic and none of the nudity was titillating at all. This flick is hard to recommend, and it's probably one of the strangest things ever produced by Shaw Brothers, much better known for their kung fu epics.
Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS - The prison this time is actually a WWII concentration camp, run by a female S&M Nazi with huge boobs. All the prisoners are Jewish, but thankfully the film veers away from any overt racism, merely fetishizing the Nazi trappings. Lots of sex in this one, even the torture scenes have a slant of kink to them, like one with an electrified dildo. This flick is notorious for good reason and well worth a look.
There are many other examples of the type, like the three Ilsa squels (Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Wicked Warden, and Tigress of Siberia), Barbed Wire Dolls, Escape from Hell, Women in Cages, Bare Behind Bars, Caged Heat, The Big Bird Cage, etc. etc. Sadly, as the exploitation grindhouses of the 70's gave way to the VCR boom of the 80's, the demand for this type of fare nosedived as a glut of hardcore porn became available to watch in the comfort of your own home. WIP movies have pretty much remained the exclusive domain of porno (and direct to video crap) ever since.
Perhaps with Rodriguez and Tarantino's recent renewal of the exploitation cycles, we may see a proper WIP movie in the theaters again in the near future. The closest thing we've had in years has been Black Snake Moan, with half naked Christina Ricci in chains for most of the running time.
More of that shit, please.
TheDenizen is back and I've got celluoid cells on the agenda. Jail cells, that is.
A prison makes a great setting for a movie. Two opposing uniformed gangs (prisoners and guards) have to coexist in a tightly controlled, institutionalized environment. Dramatic tension is always high and the potential for violence is ever present. Not to mention the fact that filming in concrete rooms and plain grey hallways can be done pretty fucking cheap. Make it a women's prison and cast a bunch of babes and you've got yourself box office gold. Today I'm going to discuss a selection of Women In Prison films.
WIP movies go back to the 40's and 50's, but the films from that era were generally chaste morailty plays designed to scare young women away from a life of crime. It wasn't until Spanish sleaze merchant Jess Franco came along in 1969 with his shocker 99 Women that WIP films became about exploitation, reveling in lurid displays of flesh and sexual sadism. 99 Women was a hit, and established the formula that the vast majority of subsequent WIP movies adhered to.
A wide eyed, naive young woman is brought to a prison to begin serving her sentence (she's sometimes guilty of a crime of passion but usually completely innocent). She's introduced to the sadistic warden, is forced into a shower and given a revealing prison uniform, and then mixed in with the general population. She encounters tough lesbians, gains the respect of other prisoners by winning some catfights, endures torture or rape at the hands of the warden and ultimately leads a jailbreak attempt. The escape often fails with the prisoners being killed or returned to their cells.
It seems like kind of a downer, but dozens of profitable films have been made using pretty much that exact outline. Of course, the appeal lies not in the riveting storytelling, but in the pervasive nudity and the BDSM fantasy of the (usually fairly tame) torture sequences. It's not everyone's cup of tea to be sure, but if you can enjoy this type of thing, there are some great flicks out there to be seen. Anyways, enough rambling, here's some quick reviews.
99 Women - the first, but not really the best. I already mostly described this one, so let me mention this: As with many European WIP movies, 99 Women exists in both R and X rated versions. The X rated stuff is most often (as in this case) cheap looking hardcore insert shots filmed by someone else, making no effort to match the sets or the actors to the people in the real movie. Be preapred for that if you plan to delve into the X rated or Unrated cuts of WIP flicks.
Female Prisoner 701: Scorpion - Meiko Kaji plays Sasori, a woman falsely imprisoned after being betrayed and framed by a former lover and his gang. Sasori is not just tough, she's incredibly bright and determined, and after enduring the standard WIP trials (including a very sexy lesbian scene with an undercover cop posing as a fellow prisoner), Sasori actually escapes the prison and exacts bloody revenge on all the men who put her there. A classic that spawned three sequels.
The Big Dollhouse - Mmmm, Pam Grier. A bunch of other hot chicks, too, but mmmm...Pammy. Also Sid Haig. This one was directed by Jack Hill, who made a handful of blaxploitation films with Grier. An all female prison in the Phillipines somehow has mostly hot American girls as prisoners, who get into the usual trouble and catfights. One of the best produced WIP films.
Virgins from Hell - super campy stuff from Thailand, about an all girl motorcycle gang who commit violent robberies to fund an assault on a criminal compound. The plot is ridiculous and convoluted, but basically these chicks fail utterly and get captured by the criminals, who keep them locked up in an underground cave to test their aphrodesiac drugs on (seriously). Thai film laws forbid nudity, so part of the appeal of this one is how retarded it is seeing two chicks in evening gowns having a catfight in a tub, or lesbian sex scenes that consist of fully clothed soft kissing and sultry looks. Hilarious crap, and full of crazy action and stunts.
Lost Souls - this variation on the WIP theme involves a large group of illegal immigrants from mainland China who are captured for ransom by a sadistic gang outside of Hong Kong. The prisoners, men and women alike, are stripped naked and kept in a filthy barn and are subjected to all manner of abuse. Some are tortured, some are raped and they all end up dead or deported. This was actually quite grim and unpleasant; genuinely sadistic instead of camp-sadistic and none of the nudity was titillating at all. This flick is hard to recommend, and it's probably one of the strangest things ever produced by Shaw Brothers, much better known for their kung fu epics.
Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS - The prison this time is actually a WWII concentration camp, run by a female S&M Nazi with huge boobs. All the prisoners are Jewish, but thankfully the film veers away from any overt racism, merely fetishizing the Nazi trappings. Lots of sex in this one, even the torture scenes have a slant of kink to them, like one with an electrified dildo. This flick is notorious for good reason and well worth a look.
There are many other examples of the type, like the three Ilsa squels (Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Wicked Warden, and Tigress of Siberia), Barbed Wire Dolls, Escape from Hell, Women in Cages, Bare Behind Bars, Caged Heat, The Big Bird Cage, etc. etc. Sadly, as the exploitation grindhouses of the 70's gave way to the VCR boom of the 80's, the demand for this type of fare nosedived as a glut of hardcore porn became available to watch in the comfort of your own home. WIP movies have pretty much remained the exclusive domain of porno (and direct to video crap) ever since.
Perhaps with Rodriguez and Tarantino's recent renewal of the exploitation cycles, we may see a proper WIP movie in the theaters again in the near future. The closest thing we've had in years has been Black Snake Moan, with half naked Christina Ricci in chains for most of the running time.
More of that shit, please.
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