Man, nothing sucks more than a depressing movie.
Let me tell you something brothers, and I mean this as in brothers in general and not like hydrocloud but he's included in both kinds of brothers I guess...what was I saying?
Yeah man, I go to movies to be entertained. I don't get entertained by getting depressed.
I KNOW there's a fucking market for this though. Nicholas Sparks is a best-selling author! You know how I was a former bookstore ninja, and man, my buddy Eric used to say his wife loved that stuff, and when he'd find the books for someone, he'd tell them "Yeah, my wife loves this one. It's good to get your cry on."
Okay so I know this site is a big sausage fest as far as writers go and most of the writers are the readers but do any of you motherfuckers actually get entertained by depressing shit?
I'm posting this because I just saw Brothers.
I'll post a video review in a minute, too.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
the best two days of my life...forreal..dont laugh...ANNND TRANSYLMANIA REVIEW!
so i met this girl, awesome girl, plays video games, likes wrestling, has a bunch of holes in her face etc, ideal girl for me.anyways we met and talked, hit it off crazy good, hung out all day Friday, and Saturday. i get home and she's all like ' i need some time, etc' fuckin cop out. i'm salty as hell. oh well, moral of the story is boys, like my ENGLISH teacher said DON'T TAKE NOTHIN' FOR FACE VALUE.
Guess its back to the chickenheads...get in where you fit in i guess.
On to the movie review, i went to see this shit last night, with ol girl i mentioned above, we made out for the majority of the movie, the plot it mad stupid, some kids in college get involved in an exchange program with a tranny (short for trannsylvania, not like FM) college and there's a music box with someones soul etc, blah balah, one funny moment in the movie is when they ask this dude 'what happened ton you last night, did you GET FUCKED WITH A TOBAGGIN?' that shit had me weak. it was us and like foul little 9 year old black kids there. the movie was wack, the night was wack, i shoulda just stayed home and got high. and yes I'm bitter. I'm going to see Ninja Assassin, sans bitch, homies over hoes, there ya go, two references from THE BOONDOCKS to close this one out...
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
TheDenizen reviews Ninja Assassin
Well, holy crap.
I just got home from Ninja Assassin, and as I sit down to write this review I am consciously trying to keep the hyperbole in check...but fuck that noise, son, Ninja Assassin ROCKED and is quite possibly the best ninja movie ever. I've watched a lot of ninja flicks over the past couple of weeks in anticpiation of this one, so let's run down the standard checklist:
Ninja that melt effortlessly into the shadows? Check.
Insane ninja vs ninja battles? Check.
A modern day police force bleating on about "Ninjas in this day and age? Preposterous!" Check.
Multiple shuriken flurries? Check.
Brutal training sequences? Check.
Cheesy, over the top killings? CHECK.
If you don't like graphic beheadings and flying limbs and splashy buckets of bright red blood, stay far away from Ninja Assassin. Yes, the story is kinda trite, some of the dialog stinks and the acting is nothing special...but it's a goddamn ninja movie, not Shakespeare. A ninja movie only needs enough story to hang its fight scenes on, and Ninja Assassin succeeds at this in spades.
The fight scenes themselves are wonderful. Vicious, frantic, and gory as hell. I've read several reviews complaining of choppy choreography, rapid-fire editing and poor lighting during the action scenes. Those reviewers are retards. Listen: the days of classically trained martial arts actors performing long, uninterrupted takes of fighting are pretty much gone. Tony Jaa, Donnie Yen and a handful of indy film guys are all that's left of that tradition. The rapid cutting is here to stay, but Ninja Assassin does it very well. The movements are well choreographed and the action is relatively easy to follow. If you want to see examples of poorly edited fights where you can't tell what the fuck is going on, rent Batman Begins or the latest Bourne atrocity.
The fights in Ninja Assassin are very busy visually, with lots (and lots) of CGI blood and weapons and fire filling every frame, but you can always tell who is who and where they are in relation to each other. The actions performed before and after each edit actually match up to form a coherent looking move (Batman Begins utterly failed at this). Korean pop idol Rain trained like a mofo for the action scenes in this flick and it shows...he is ripped and totally believable as an action star. And yes, some of the fight scenes are shot in darkened rooms, but it's just to show off how badass the ninja look slipping in and out of shadows. It's pretty badass.
In short, peoples critiques of this movie are stupid. It's an incredibly over the top dopey ninja film with extreme violence and gore. It rules. Go see it.
I just got home from Ninja Assassin, and as I sit down to write this review I am consciously trying to keep the hyperbole in check...but fuck that noise, son, Ninja Assassin ROCKED and is quite possibly the best ninja movie ever. I've watched a lot of ninja flicks over the past couple of weeks in anticpiation of this one, so let's run down the standard checklist:
Ninja that melt effortlessly into the shadows? Check.
Insane ninja vs ninja battles? Check.
A modern day police force bleating on about "Ninjas in this day and age? Preposterous!" Check.
Multiple shuriken flurries? Check.
Brutal training sequences? Check.
Cheesy, over the top killings? CHECK.
If you don't like graphic beheadings and flying limbs and splashy buckets of bright red blood, stay far away from Ninja Assassin. Yes, the story is kinda trite, some of the dialog stinks and the acting is nothing special...but it's a goddamn ninja movie, not Shakespeare. A ninja movie only needs enough story to hang its fight scenes on, and Ninja Assassin succeeds at this in spades.
The fight scenes themselves are wonderful. Vicious, frantic, and gory as hell. I've read several reviews complaining of choppy choreography, rapid-fire editing and poor lighting during the action scenes. Those reviewers are retards. Listen: the days of classically trained martial arts actors performing long, uninterrupted takes of fighting are pretty much gone. Tony Jaa, Donnie Yen and a handful of indy film guys are all that's left of that tradition. The rapid cutting is here to stay, but Ninja Assassin does it very well. The movements are well choreographed and the action is relatively easy to follow. If you want to see examples of poorly edited fights where you can't tell what the fuck is going on, rent Batman Begins or the latest Bourne atrocity.
The fights in Ninja Assassin are very busy visually, with lots (and lots) of CGI blood and weapons and fire filling every frame, but you can always tell who is who and where they are in relation to each other. The actions performed before and after each edit actually match up to form a coherent looking move (Batman Begins utterly failed at this). Korean pop idol Rain trained like a mofo for the action scenes in this flick and it shows...he is ripped and totally believable as an action star. And yes, some of the fight scenes are shot in darkened rooms, but it's just to show off how badass the ninja look slipping in and out of shadows. It's pretty badass.
In short, peoples critiques of this movie are stupid. It's an incredibly over the top dopey ninja film with extreme violence and gore. It rules. Go see it.
A Letter to Me in the past
Dear 13 Year Old Me,
Hey fool, what's up? I'm you 14 years into your future. I'm here to drop some knowledge on you based on the experiences in my past and your future. First of all, don't try and lose your virginity to Tina Mott. I just saw a picture of her recently and let me tell you something brother, BULLET DODGED. Also when you're hanging out with Becky Coliz, go for more than some over the shirt boob action, because she is down. I assure you of this.
Now on to the next item of the agenda. You know those comic books you've been collecting with the chromium foil covers and shit, they're worthless. Sell this shit immediately because it's seriously never going to increase in value. In fact, I've repurchased some of them for fifty cents recently. So sell now while there are still morons buying them for high prices because they think they will be worth more money in the future.
And finally, stop wearing that fucking green shirt, you look really really faggy in it.`
Sincerely, You 14 years in the Future
Hey fool, what's up? I'm you 14 years into your future. I'm here to drop some knowledge on you based on the experiences in my past and your future. First of all, don't try and lose your virginity to Tina Mott. I just saw a picture of her recently and let me tell you something brother, BULLET DODGED. Also when you're hanging out with Becky Coliz, go for more than some over the shirt boob action, because she is down. I assure you of this.
Now on to the next item of the agenda. You know those comic books you've been collecting with the chromium foil covers and shit, they're worthless. Sell this shit immediately because it's seriously never going to increase in value. In fact, I've repurchased some of them for fifty cents recently. So sell now while there are still morons buying them for high prices because they think they will be worth more money in the future.
And finally, stop wearing that fucking green shirt, you look really really faggy in it.`
Sincerely, You 14 years in the Future
Chinese-buffet feat. Hibachi grill.mp3
Sent from my BlackBerry device from Cincinnati Bell Wireless
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
TheDenizen talks Ninja Part II
Alright punks, TheDenizen is back with more movie reviews.
I mentioned in my first blog that I like violence, and I really, really do. To me, violence is one of the few bright beacons of joy in an existence completely saturated with stupid people doing stupid things. I hate people in general, and that tends to go hand in hand with enjoying seeing extreme violence inflicted upon them.
It's for this reason that I still haven't seen Ninja Assassin: there's nothing worse than sitting in a movie theater crowded with idiots, so I have a cardinal rule about NOT seeing movies in the theater until they've been out for at least a week. The crowds thin out significantly by then and I can choke down my murderous rage for longer. I made an exception to this rule ONCE in the last 10 years for LOTR: The Two Towers and it was 3.5 hours of torture, as I spent the entire film's running time stifling the urge to savagely donkey punch the retarded chatty fucks filling the row in front of me.
Anyways, I'm finally seeing Ninja Assassin tomorrow most likely (and will post my thoughts to compare/contrast with the HeadNinja), but I've spent a bit of time over the last few days revisting more old school ninja *ahem* "classics" to put me in the mood. Let's get to it.
Ninja Terminator - Godfrey Ho is like the king of the shitty 80's ninja film, and this is one of his finest hours. He takes a bunch of footage from an old 70's triad movie, shoots a bit of new ninja footage, and then splices it all together in the hopes it somehow makes sense using voice overs. It doesn't (he also blatantly rips off music from Star Wars and Clockwork Orange). This flick concerns a band of three ninja who betray their clan and steal the three part Golden Ninja statue, which gives the possessor physical immunity. The rest of the movie is just various ninja/triad groups fighting and trying to steal the pieces back.
Richard Harrison looks ridiculously out of place as a middle aged white ninja named Harry, who delivers orders to his underlings via his Garfield phone and sports more eyeliner than BigKaboom at a Smiths concert. The evil Ninja Empire issues death threats by sending little tiny robots to deliver menacing VHS tapes to their victims - seriously, they look like Transformers toys. There's a totally pointless G-rated sex scene between two minor characters, scored with "Echoes" by Pink Floyd.
Lots of cool ninja stuff with smoke bombs, shuriken, caltraps, etc at the beginning and end, but most of the middle is taken up by the kung fu fighting of the older triad picture. Thankfully those fights are plentiful and actually quite well choreographed and filmed. Jaguar Wong is a badass dude who smirks constantly while beating the shit out of everyone, and the main villain is played by Korean superkicker Hwang Jang Lee. Lee played Silver Fox in the Secret Rivals films, but for some reason he wears a preposterous blonde ladies wig and a white dress suit for 90% of this movie. I'm sure it made sense to Godfrey.
Life of Ninja - I had great hopes for this movie: a kung fu/ninja flick starring Chen Kwan Tai and Yasuaki Kurata? Can you say "massive fucking potential"? It starts off with a bunch of ninja in a cave going through rigorous training exercises - nice. Then about 30 seconds later any notion of this being a serious movie are tossed gleefully out the window as the focus changes to female ninja and their training methods. This includes a mud wrestling match to the death that plays over most of the opening credits, and repeated half naked dipping into an icy pool. Thankfully after that, the weak exploitation stuff falls to the wayside and unadulterated asskicking takes over.
The plot concerns a total prick of a Hong Kong businessman who is being targeted by Ninja for assassination, and the Chinese kendo instructor (Chen Kwan Tai) he hires to protect him. Lots of cheese on display here, like when a female ninja hypnotizes another girl with bright blue orbs that shoot from her eyes, or when a guy gets attacked with a machete in the shower and responds by spraying his attacker with the shower head. There's also plenty of brutal fighting in the flick, including an insane beatdown when Tai takes on about 15 ninja single-handed, using only a pair of tonfa. HELL YEAH. Of course the final battle between Tai and Kurata is incredible, although for some reason, they filmed about 1/3 of it in the pitch black, and you can't see a thing. When the lights are on though, the two veteran screen fighters put on a clinic, with Kurata even busting out some lightning fast monkey style at the end. Me likey.
Ninja 3: The Domination - This flick starts out really promising with a ninja slaughtering about 30 people at a golf course, including a bunch of cops, before being cornered and gunned down. The ninja sees a girl before he dies and magically transmits his spirit into her, and the next 45 minutes of the movie is the girl and her cop boyfriend trying to figure out why she's suddenly got an interest in Japanese swords and keeps blacking out. There's all kinds of stupid Poltergiest/Exorcist crap in there to pad the running time, plus Sho Kosugi standing around looking tough in an eye-patch. Finally around the hour mark, we get another police massacre at a graveyard before Sho goes into action...first fighting the girl to force the ninja spirit back into it's own body in a blur of cheap effects, and then kicking his ass.
All around, a pretty shit movie with way too much melodrama and not nearly enough ninja antics. It wasn't even goofy enough to laugh at, except for the clothes people are wearing in the gym club scene. Lucinda Dickey plays the main chick, and she's kinda cute, like a mix of a young Geena Davis and Linda Hamilton, but she never gets her cans out, and she falls for this dweeby little guy with a furry back and shoulders. Weak. At least lots of people get killed.
And there you have it. My bloodlust is whetted. My shuriken sharpened. I've got my ninja headband. Ninja Assassin here I come.
I mentioned in my first blog that I like violence, and I really, really do. To me, violence is one of the few bright beacons of joy in an existence completely saturated with stupid people doing stupid things. I hate people in general, and that tends to go hand in hand with enjoying seeing extreme violence inflicted upon them.
It's for this reason that I still haven't seen Ninja Assassin: there's nothing worse than sitting in a movie theater crowded with idiots, so I have a cardinal rule about NOT seeing movies in the theater until they've been out for at least a week. The crowds thin out significantly by then and I can choke down my murderous rage for longer. I made an exception to this rule ONCE in the last 10 years for LOTR: The Two Towers and it was 3.5 hours of torture, as I spent the entire film's running time stifling the urge to savagely donkey punch the retarded chatty fucks filling the row in front of me.
Anyways, I'm finally seeing Ninja Assassin tomorrow most likely (and will post my thoughts to compare/contrast with the HeadNinja), but I've spent a bit of time over the last few days revisting more old school ninja *ahem* "classics" to put me in the mood. Let's get to it.
Ninja Terminator - Godfrey Ho is like the king of the shitty 80's ninja film, and this is one of his finest hours. He takes a bunch of footage from an old 70's triad movie, shoots a bit of new ninja footage, and then splices it all together in the hopes it somehow makes sense using voice overs. It doesn't (he also blatantly rips off music from Star Wars and Clockwork Orange). This flick concerns a band of three ninja who betray their clan and steal the three part Golden Ninja statue, which gives the possessor physical immunity. The rest of the movie is just various ninja/triad groups fighting and trying to steal the pieces back.
Richard Harrison looks ridiculously out of place as a middle aged white ninja named Harry, who delivers orders to his underlings via his Garfield phone and sports more eyeliner than BigKaboom at a Smiths concert. The evil Ninja Empire issues death threats by sending little tiny robots to deliver menacing VHS tapes to their victims - seriously, they look like Transformers toys. There's a totally pointless G-rated sex scene between two minor characters, scored with "Echoes" by Pink Floyd.
Lots of cool ninja stuff with smoke bombs, shuriken, caltraps, etc at the beginning and end, but most of the middle is taken up by the kung fu fighting of the older triad picture. Thankfully those fights are plentiful and actually quite well choreographed and filmed. Jaguar Wong is a badass dude who smirks constantly while beating the shit out of everyone, and the main villain is played by Korean superkicker Hwang Jang Lee. Lee played Silver Fox in the Secret Rivals films, but for some reason he wears a preposterous blonde ladies wig and a white dress suit for 90% of this movie. I'm sure it made sense to Godfrey.
Life of Ninja - I had great hopes for this movie: a kung fu/ninja flick starring Chen Kwan Tai and Yasuaki Kurata? Can you say "massive fucking potential"? It starts off with a bunch of ninja in a cave going through rigorous training exercises - nice. Then about 30 seconds later any notion of this being a serious movie are tossed gleefully out the window as the focus changes to female ninja and their training methods. This includes a mud wrestling match to the death that plays over most of the opening credits, and repeated half naked dipping into an icy pool. Thankfully after that, the weak exploitation stuff falls to the wayside and unadulterated asskicking takes over.
The plot concerns a total prick of a Hong Kong businessman who is being targeted by Ninja for assassination, and the Chinese kendo instructor (Chen Kwan Tai) he hires to protect him. Lots of cheese on display here, like when a female ninja hypnotizes another girl with bright blue orbs that shoot from her eyes, or when a guy gets attacked with a machete in the shower and responds by spraying his attacker with the shower head. There's also plenty of brutal fighting in the flick, including an insane beatdown when Tai takes on about 15 ninja single-handed, using only a pair of tonfa. HELL YEAH. Of course the final battle between Tai and Kurata is incredible, although for some reason, they filmed about 1/3 of it in the pitch black, and you can't see a thing. When the lights are on though, the two veteran screen fighters put on a clinic, with Kurata even busting out some lightning fast monkey style at the end. Me likey.
Ninja 3: The Domination - This flick starts out really promising with a ninja slaughtering about 30 people at a golf course, including a bunch of cops, before being cornered and gunned down. The ninja sees a girl before he dies and magically transmits his spirit into her, and the next 45 minutes of the movie is the girl and her cop boyfriend trying to figure out why she's suddenly got an interest in Japanese swords and keeps blacking out. There's all kinds of stupid Poltergiest/Exorcist crap in there to pad the running time, plus Sho Kosugi standing around looking tough in an eye-patch. Finally around the hour mark, we get another police massacre at a graveyard before Sho goes into action...first fighting the girl to force the ninja spirit back into it's own body in a blur of cheap effects, and then kicking his ass.
All around, a pretty shit movie with way too much melodrama and not nearly enough ninja antics. It wasn't even goofy enough to laugh at, except for the clothes people are wearing in the gym club scene. Lucinda Dickey plays the main chick, and she's kinda cute, like a mix of a young Geena Davis and Linda Hamilton, but she never gets her cans out, and she falls for this dweeby little guy with a furry back and shoulders. Weak. At least lots of people get killed.
And there you have it. My bloodlust is whetted. My shuriken sharpened. I've got my ninja headband. Ninja Assassin here I come.
Snaptu review for blackberry curve 83xx
Shit. I'm'll come clean. I'm a cellphone junkie. I go through about five a year. As of recent I got myself a twitter account and I started following a friend of mine. Long story short he sends me a link to a site to download snaptu, what's snaptu? Well it is a sweet ass app for your cellphone/device I can hold down my facebook,twitter and all of my blogs, it also has a bunch of other stuff, but I don't use that.so if you have a blackberry or any other sort of 'smartphone' go to m.snaptu.com and get to downloadin!
4.5 out of 5
Twitter.com/smashatomz
Sent from my BlackBerry device from Cincinnati Bell Wireless
4.5 out of 5
Twitter.com/smashatomz
Sent from my BlackBerry device from Cincinnati Bell Wireless
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