I also saw Nightmare on Elmstreet

Since I'm the head ninja, which either means I'm the boss or I give everyone head or both, I can't stand by and have an Elm Street debate on my site without commenting, but the comment section is for Chinese spammers only, so I figured I'd do a post instead.

Let me set a bit of a scene for you guys.

Imagine being six years old. I know, some of you might be that are reading this. Shit fuck dick diarrhea. Still, imagine DVDs not existing, and magical little plastic devices called VIDEOTAPES just starting to get noticed.

Man, I feel so fucking old right now you guys.

Anyway, some of you might be too young, legit, all joking aside, to remember the big VHS boom. VCRs finally became popular- and video rental places were the shit, son. It isn't like Blockbuster now, which is to say video stores back then didn't suck like ten kinds of fat cocks. Video stores would put a HUGE variety of shit out because video was so hot that no matter what you had, someone would probably rent it. The place I went, Video Valley in Chatsworth, CA, had SO MUCH SHIT DUDE. They had these big fucking scary video boxes with the horror movies on them and they even had shit in BETA.

So anyway, Nightmare on Elm Street was there and we rented it and I loved it and I was six and my parents were cool and fuck commas and where was I going with this?

Uhhhhh...yeah so I was six, and a Freddy fan. By the time I was seven, it was time for Halloween, and I was FREDDY and I didn't have the shitty licensed Freddy mask that they were selling at the stores, I had this fucking crazy ass one that I bought at a magic shop that I think they made themselves, because I haven't seen ONE since. I'll post a pic sometime.

I had my hat, my glove, my sweater, and my fucking badass mask, and noticed something.

EVERY FUCKING KID WAS DRESSED AS FREDDY.

But talking to them about it, man, these fucks were normal kids whose parents didn't let them watch R rated movies and just heard about them from older kids and shit.

FUCKING POSERS

Anyway, saw the new flick. It wasn't bad, but Freddy as melty Voldemort wasn't a great look, but he had a creepy smile that was pretty awesome. I thought it was passable. I mean, it wasn't as good as the first one, or Dream Warriors which was one of my favorite movies growing up, but it was the fuck of a lot better than the shittier sequels like Dream Child or Freddy's Dead.

Fuck Dream Child.

So yeah, I'm a lifelong Elmstreet fan and didn't fucking hate the remake, but the remakes for Halloween and Friday the 13th can SUCK MY BALLS.

Of Rats and Chucks

Growing up, I fucking loved me some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Thing is, shit was confusing, man. Shit was so...conflicted.

Most of us were probably introduced to TMNT through the cartoon. I happened to be introduced through the toys- I had bought Michelangelo from the very first wave of figures, because I loved nunchaku(hey, I'll accept nunchucks, but if you say numbchucks you're a fucking idiot) ever since I saw Bruce Lee use them, and they'd make pretty much any toy that used them an instant purchase(Though I never had Panthro-I wasn't into the Thundercats toys despite liking the cartoon).

Now, nunchuku are illegal to carry in my home state of California, and you can't even ship them to a lot of states in the US, but this is nothing compared to the European treatment of the weapon. In a market where you weren't even allowed to say the word "ninja"(fucking TEENAGE MUTANT HERO TURTLES? Give me a break.), Mikey's weapons were edited out of the TV show and some of the releases of the live action film.

So we still got the chucks, no problem, man. Well, eventually, they caved in to pressure and TOOK MIKEY'S WEAPONS AWAY. Some of you might remember the first syndicated cartoon the most, but it eventually moved onto CBS, with a slightly different design...and Mikey had a fucking grappling hook as a weapon.

I was so pissed, you guys. It was fucking bullshit.

I couldn't get into the show at that point. I had to stop watching. They killed my favorite character.

Enter THE NEXT MUTATION. Okay, this show sucked pretty bad, unleashing the abomination of VENUS DE MILO, THE FEMALE TURTLE onto the world. And they crossed over with Power Rangers and didn't totally kick their asses, which is basically doing a job to them because THEY'RE THE FUCKING NINJA TURTLES DUDE, they could fight Krang when his robot body grew to Godzilla height and WIN, so fuck a Megazord. My anger is guiding me away from the real issue here- they took away Mikey's chucks again. Motherfucker got saddled with TONFA.

Okay, nunchaku are fucking awesome, man. Tonfa are a fucking NIGHTSTICK. I couldn't even lie to myself and say "Man, maybe Mikey loves the Big Boss Man as much as you do." It wasn't working. I had to not watch, again.

At least the new cartoon fixed that shit.

While this inconsistancy existed, at least it happened as a progression. Mikey lost the chucks, get over it(like anyone could) or stop watching(EXACTLY). The treatment of the origins of Master Splinter were fucking MIND BOGGLING to kids.

In the toyline, and the cartoon, which most of us considered gospel, Splinter was a normal dude named Hamada Yoshi that got turned into a rat when he was hit with the same mutagen that turned the turtles into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Since the turtles were last in contact with Splinter, they became like people. Since Splinter was handling rats right before he was splashed, he became a rat man.

Then, the cinematic event of the century(as far as we were concerned) happened. The LIVE ACTION TMNT MOVIE!

And man, not only were fucking Bebop and Rocksteady not in it, and NO KRANG, but Splinter was a rat first that got mutated. Many a schoolyard conversation revolved around the movie being good and everything, but that stuff being fucking bullshit.

Little did we know that it was the original origin of Splinter in the Eastman and Laird comics, that none of us could read because collectors were selling them for $100 a pop. The cartoon went and changed everything, and since it was what we were exposed to, we all thought the movie was wrong.

But was it? I'm going to go with yes on this. I mean, it makes sense that the mutagen would make a rat man like it made turtle teens, but it also meant that ninjas had pet rats that would watch them train and mimic their movements, and swear revenge when their master is murdered. All pre-mutation, mind you.

But the cartoon origin...that shit was tragic. Splinter was a dude, and became a rat. It was bad enough that he was homeless and living in a sewer, he mutated into an animal that would make the shit smell even MORE powerful due to heightened animal senses. Turtles live swimming in their own shit anyway, so they don't matter. We had hope that Splinter would become human once again, because he was human once, and lived the life of a normal guy until fate kicked him in the balls. Nobody wanted to see the turtles de-mutate into regular turtles again, but Splinter becoming human was even the ending in some of the great and not-so great Turtles video games we grew up playing.

HOW DID WE WRAP OUR HEADS AROUND THIS STUFF?


--HeadNinja Tromataker