The Ten Most Crazy Awesome Things In Japanese Wrestling

Also titled, "OR remembers he's still a writer at KBN, 2011 Edition"

Anyways, as most of the people who view this blog know, Japanese wrestling has three modes: Awesome, Crazy, and Crazy Awesome. But for those who reading aren't aware of this, I say you're missing out on a wonderful and bizarre world. Well, no, I actually say "how the fuck did you learn about Kidnapped By Ninjas in the first place". But after THAT, I say you need OR's personal version of Wacky Japanese Indy Shit 101.


10. Danshoku Dino vs Aja Kong

Just like Japanese wrestling in general has three modes, women's wrestling in Japan (Joshi for those who somehow don't know about this) has three archetypes of wrestlers: Super-Hot asskickers (pretty much just Megumi Kudo and Akira Hokuto here, really), vaguely boyish looking junior heavyweights, and vicious monster women whose primary job is murdering the vaguely boyish looking types.

Aja Kong is the third type. And her favorite weapon of boygirl murder is her spinning backfist.

Danshoku Dino is not a joshi wrestler, however. He is the gayest wrestler ever. That's not a homophobic statement or any kind of hyperbole, mind you... Danshoku Dino (both the character and the person who plays him) is an openly gay wrestler whose primary finishing move involved stuffing his opponent's head into his tights for a piledriver. And he's also got like four variations of this, including one where he also stuffs his opponent's head into the thong he wears under his tights. Also, instead of chopping on the chest, he chops his opponents in the dick. No, really.

One day, they met. And as you can probably guess, Dino's signature offense was of little use to him, so Kong murdered him. What makes this crazy awesome? The finish. Before knocking Dino's head off with her backfist, she forces Dino to grab her own tits. In other words, she out-Dinoed Dino.

For what's probably this match but I'm too lazy to check myself, click here.

9. KUDO's Game Of Death

There is a company in Japan called Triple Sixxx, or 666 for short. It's basically JCW, except without shitty rapping clowns and shitty wrestling, it's got some of the weirdest gimmicks imaginable, including a wrestling monk who constantly wrestles while having his legs crossed Yoga style, and a 500 pound version of Ronald McDonald.

KUDO is Japanese Indy Wrestling's homage to Bruce Lee. Much like Bruce Lee, he can cave in your skull with his foot. Also like Bruce Lee, he is fucking awesome.

KUDO came to Triple Sixxx to do a wrestling version of Bruce Lee's Game of Death... essentially a gauntlet match where he fought a bunch of nameless jobbers and 'killed' them in various ways. He even wore a yellow jumpsuit, presumably because his usual wrestling outfight was at the dry cleaners.

KUDO's final opponent... was KUDO himself! Yes, for the first time since 1994, wrestling had a 'mirror match'. The match ended when KUDO (The second KUDO) snapped KUDO's neck.

Sadly, I can't find this on YouTube. Which is odd because I SAW it on YouTube.

8. Saitama Pro Wrestling

What's that, you never heard of Saitama Pro? Well, there's a few reasons for that. One is that it's roster is comprised of like two people. The other is that they almost never had an actual ring, but wrestled on gym mats. But also, you don't know how awesome Japanese indy wrestling is, because Saitama Pro has arguably one of the most famous absurdly bizarre gimmick ever: KEN THE BOX.

Now, I said the roster has two people in it. Well, outside of kayfabe that's true. In kayfabe, the main hero of Saitama Pro is Survival Tobita. Tobita is basically the Blade of Japanese Indies, only instead of vampires, Tobita fights momsters with crazy ass gimmicks like Education Magamon, who forces innocent people to read (WHAT A SICK BASTARD!). But there is one foe that Tobita has never defeated... Ken The Box, aka Mokujin Ken, aka Bokujin Ken.

Their battles are top notch, fifty-star greco-roman classics, like this one here.

7. The Epic Dream Match

This is also from Saitama Pro, and is an even more astounding technical masterpiece. It is the battle that wrestling fans all over the world crave to see, but it has happened only once ever. Two of the greatest and most iconic names in wrestling going at it.

This is... TABLE... VERSUS... LADDER

6. BJPW's Shopping Plaza Deathmatch

Big Japan is basically the CZW of Japan. Well, that's kind of unfair. CZW is more like like Big Japan's braindead stepcousin. One day, they decided to hold a wrestling match in a shopping center in Japan. Where in Japan, I have absolutely no idea. I'm going to guess and say Kyoto. When, sometime in 1996.

Anyway, they have a match... and it kind of sucks really. But then, for absolutely no discernable reason, the wrestlers in the match basically fight all over the shopping plaza, going into stores and punching each other and occasionally knocking over stuff and hitting each other with fish.

I'd go into further detail, but that's pretty much what happens. It's so silly and terrible, and yet like a car wreck, you can't possibly turn away.

Sadly, I can't find it on YouTube.

5. Wrestling HOFer President Ramu

Back to Triple Sixxx for this one, or rather 666's most awesome regular, President Ramu (aka Chairman Ramu, aka Kaicho Ramu). Ramu (the daughter of another wrestler, Onryo) debuted at the age of 7, and almost never lost a match (she held three championships, so I assume she's only lost three matches ever).

Believe it or not, she's only the SECOND youngest wrestler ever, beaten by Mr. 6, but Mr. 6 was essentially a cheesy ripoff of Ramu's act so he's not worthy of further mention here.

For a sample of the awesome that is Ramu, click here.

4. Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship

Dramatic Dream Team is probably the most epic wrestling promotion ever. The home promotion of KUDO and Danshoku Dino, their product is best described as WWE if Vince McMahon was on a permanent LSD trip... and also a billion times more entertaining than WWE ever was. Even their founder/head booker, Sanshiro Takagi, pretty much does a parody of Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Really, I could just put DDT as a whole in this slot, but I'm going to focus on the epicenter of DDT's greatness, it's Ironman Heavymetalweight championship. Having well over 750 championship reigns since it's inception (meaning an average reign is less than a week long), the title is defended 24/7, and the winner does not necessarily have to be a DDT wrestler, or indeed, a member of the human race... or even a living being at all.

And what's not to love about a belt that's been held by a Hello Kitty doll?

Here's footage of one of the belt's most famous title changes, when Ladder #2 (yes, the belt has been won by no less than three different ladders) was pinned by... DDT's ref's dog.

3. The Saga of Yinling's Baby

Before I describe this, watch this video first.

Now, here's what you just saw:

It's from HUSTLE, which was essentially All Japan's attempt at making a promotion like DDT. While it had it's moments, this is by large it's best.

Yinling The Erotic Terrorist was one of the top villains of HUSTLE, and teamed with Tajiri (yes, THAT Tajiri) against Great Muta (yes, THAT Great Muta) and Real Gay (aka Hard Gay #2). Yinling tried to defeat Muta with her "M Style Pin", but Muta countered this by rolling her over and misting her right in her nether regions.

Apparently, the Green Mist does more than just blind opponents, as Yinling became pregnant due to the mist (which begs the question of what would have happened if he used one of the other mist variations instead). Instead of giving birth to the baby, she laid an egg, which grew into... Monster Bono (played by the 64th Yokozuna and guy who kicked Big Show's ass at WrestleMania, Akebono).

I guarantee you if WWE did this exact same storyline only with CM Punk, Gail Kim, and Great Khali, it would lead to MASH Finale-breaking ratings for Raw.

2. YOSHIHIKO

I'm not even going to bother describing YOSHIHIKO, I'm just going to post this video of him wrestling Kenny Omega and let it speak for itself.

1. DDT Campsite Wrestling

Now, if YOSHIHIKO, Danshoku Dino, and the Ironman Heavymetalweight title haven't convinced you yet that DDT is the greatest wrestling promotion ever, then this will.

DDT is the only promotion to feature, and I shit you not, a tag team match in a nature preserve. And this isn't at all like the shitty shopping center match; they actually wrestle. In ring gear. Well, three of the wrestlers do, Muscle Sakai (who, btw, is my personal role model) didn't get the memo and showed up in hiking gear instead. Not only that, but they actually do spots that aren't 'punching a lot'. This is also the first match to my knowledge to feature a BOTTLE ROCKET FIGHT.

This match was so epic, they did at least one more, but here is the original.

And now, for my final thought: Boy that car is coming real fast I hope it's brakes wo

The Worst Thing About CoD: Black Ops

I finally isolated the worst thing about Black Ops. It actually isn't that the game lacks polish in just about every aspect of it. The only thing that seems to have any real time spent on it was the voice acting. But even though they went all out for the voice cast, they did it wrong. Completely. Look at the cast.

Ed Harris, Gary Oldman, Ice Cube, and Sam Worthington. That would probably make a good movie. The problem is this is a videogame that lacks every single element that makes a movie enjoyable. That's not the only problem. Let's look at the offenders individually.

Sam Worthington. I know he's the next big action star and everything but there could not have been a worse choice for an American soldier in a videogame. For one, he doesn't hide his accent at all. His Australian accent was what got this whole rant started. It was extremely distracting in the game. Video games provide a level of immersion that really can't be rivaled by other media, and miscasting a voice is probably the fastest way to ruin immersion. On top of that, why would you want someone who is famous for their LOOKS in your game where all you will hear is their VOICE? With a game lacking as much polish as Black Ops, the money spent on Worthington could have gone into the game itself.


Ed Harris: I have no idea why he would even do this. I'm assuming they paid him a lot of money. Ed Harris is a good actor, but I didn't know it was him voicing Hudson. Which is the problem with most of the voice casting in this game.

Gary Oldman: First of all, Gary Oldman is one of the best actors in the entire world. He disappears into roles better than almost anyone else. The guy has an amazing range. So they cast him as Reznov, the Russian sidekick to Mason. The only problem is he's doing a Russian accent the whole time so there is no way to even know it was Gary Oldman. I'm pretty sure that someone like him has a high pricetag. I'm also pretty sure that there are hundreds of great voice actors who do great Russian accents for probably half the pay. Nobody is going to know it's Gary Oldman anyway, so why bother hiring him?

But all of that is Treyarch's modus operandi. They can't make a game worth shit so Activision markets the game insanely well. There was nothing in the entire game that was done as well as Call of Duty 4, which released in 2007. In fact, I would go as far as to say Ice Cube was the only thing that the game got right. He is extremely recognizable as well as delivers the lines with the proper emotional tone.

Introducing a new series

Wackydeli's top 20 console games of all time!

Starting tomorrow March 2nd I will begin a countdown of my top 20
games of all time.