So the last couple of months every post I've made has been whoring of my work. I think that's unfair to this blog. In fact I did a teaser for an upcoming movie last month that I've declined to post here cause I don't want to just throw my stuff up on here with no content. It's shameless whoring.
Alright, moving on. I got a few things I do want to post about. I saw some movies the past month I want to sorta review.
Piranha 3D
What a good time at the movies. It starts off with an AMAZING cameo by Richard Dreyfuss, and ends with Christopher Lloyd being cartoonishly overly dramatic. This film had tension, comedy, gore, nudity, and characters that I cared about at the end. James Cameron talked some crap about Piranha, but this movie needed to be in 3D more than Avatar. My favorite 3D part is either the dead Piranha's flying up towards the camera as Michael Clark Duncan hams it up, or the two naked chicks swimming underwater. Overall I think it was one of the best movies of the summer and far from the disappointment it could have been.
Machete
This is where I'm sorta gonna review The Expendables as well as Machete. The Expendables feels like Stallone didn't try. Replace the cast and get rid of a few explosions and you can watch this movie on straight-to-DVD...well, you don't have to replace Dolph Lundgren. Not enough action, plot, tension, or much of anything. Just kind of a nice payday for the lot of them. All the talk about cumming and getting pregnant was all hype.
Machete, on the other hand, delivers a movie I didn't expect. It had all the cool action and awesome shit that was shown in the trailers, but I thought the plot, acting, and characters were fantastic. Everything was developed nicely and you got good quiet scenes with all the characters to learn about their motivations and such. Expendables was just very generic and hollow. Machete is the action flick of the summer in my humble opinion.
Devil
A very good horror/thriller/mystery. Not a scene feels unnecessary, it's inventive enough, has a great pace at 80 minutes, and in the end the tension of this movie makes it feel twice as long. That's a very good thing when you're on the edge of your seat. I'm not saying it's mind-blowing, but it's good & worth the 9 dollar ticket. I'm anxiously awaiting the other Night Chronicles.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I am a teacher again
This time dealing with In School Suspension only. Expect a lot more out of the WD.
So let's start it back up with "WHAT I ATE"
Last night the lady and I went to the grocery, in a torrential downpour mind you, and got the makings for veggie lasagna. I don't know how you feel about cooked meat in the oven, but I hate it. I also hate beef. It's the grossest thing since egg farts. So she made the lasagna, I made the salad and corn, and we made some garlic bread.
Was it good?
Yes! It looked like Scars child vomited on my plate after her fed her grass again, but it was really good. The salad was superb, and the corn was amazing as usual.
I think this is going to turn into a recipe sharing area. Ninjas Eat? Help me with a name.
WD
So let's start it back up with "WHAT I ATE"
Last night the lady and I went to the grocery, in a torrential downpour mind you, and got the makings for veggie lasagna. I don't know how you feel about cooked meat in the oven, but I hate it. I also hate beef. It's the grossest thing since egg farts. So she made the lasagna, I made the salad and corn, and we made some garlic bread.
Was it good?
Yes! It looked like Scars child vomited on my plate after her fed her grass again, but it was really good. The salad was superb, and the corn was amazing as usual.
I think this is going to turn into a recipe sharing area. Ninjas Eat? Help me with a name.
WD
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sergeant Sludge
This is a movie we made years ago. Early 2006. It was a total tribute to the Toxic Avenger and Troma in general. This one was never finished and if you notice only two people from "Of Dice and Men" were in this one. I was also a lot skinnier back then...
This is also only 6 minutes so give it a watch. I imagine most people gave up on the other movie I posted long before the rape scene, but this goes by pretty quick and is interesting enough in my opinion.
This is also only 6 minutes so give it a watch. I imagine most people gave up on the other movie I posted long before the rape scene, but this goes by pretty quick and is interesting enough in my opinion.
I made a commercial.
Did a commercial for our friends over at www.karatemart.com. They needed an authentic ninja such as myself, so I was happy to oblige.
Monday, July 19, 2010
I love WMAC Masters
Well, WMAC Masters, the ENTIRE SERIES, is up on http://www.4kidstv.com/wmac-masters
I *love* this show. Seriously.
Watching it again, it holds up really well, but is also horrible. HORRIBLY AWESOME. On the rad/sucks scale, it's rad, for sure.
So yeah, I'm going to start reviewing episodes. You can watch every episode online and follow along with me.
Headninja Tromataker
I *love* this show. Seriously.
Watching it again, it holds up really well, but is also horrible. HORRIBLY AWESOME. On the rad/sucks scale, it's rad, for sure.
So yeah, I'm going to start reviewing episodes. You can watch every episode online and follow along with me.
Headninja Tromataker
Monday, June 28, 2010
The New Phantom Movie Sucks
The Phantom (2010)
To sum up this movie, it's a symphony of stupid. From almost the opening scene to the end, the movie just scoffs at intelligence. There are going to be some spoilers ahead, so if you care about the integrity of a SyFy movie, you might want to stop reading.
Lets get the good things out of the way before I begin to just insult every single thing about this movie that they made for SyFy. The acting isn't that bad, and for the most part, the camera work is good.
Now comes the shit that just destroys every positive thing there could be about this movie.
-A very poor car chase. Nothing positive about this, because it just flashes between a woman and her kid, named Kit, being chased by some dudes in another vehicle. Then the bad guys start shooting at them with automatic weapons and manage to hit nobody, but then the mom drives the car into a river. At which time, the bad guys use a cell phone to declare that they are dead.to whoever their boss is.
-An evil Cable company. Seriously. An evil cable company that has mind control technology. FUCK. YOU.
-Parkour. This is the worst thing to hit movies. It looks silly, and it's fucking stupid. I can understand people who like to DO it, but if you enjoy watching it, you're a moron and I hope you get sterilized before your mouth breathing mongoloid children join the world's population.
-Oh I'm sorry, they aren't an evil cable company, they're an evil Hindu terrorist group consisting of some Indian dude, and a bunch of white people who seem like they think that he is going to rape them.
-So when the police arrest you for misdemeanors (and going as far as arresting you for crimes without any evidence or indication of the crime even happening), they enter your DNA into a computer system. I know that this is bullshit, because I got arrested for an actual crime and they didn't check my DNA. BECAUSE THAT ISN'T LEGAL.
-But it gets worse. Not only did they check his DNA illegaly, but apparently people just sit around monitoring DNA checks and then compare them to the DNA of a guy that has been dead for 20 years to see if they're related. This wasn't even the Evil Cable Company doing this retarded shit, this was the Good Guy secret organization.
-Ah, but the bad guys know the same information and sent ASSASSINS!!!!!! OH SHIT, THESE ASSASSINS KNOW PARKOUR. THIS SHIT JUST GOT EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEME.
-Again, Parkour is fucking stupid. Just fucking stupid.
-OH. A suit that gets signals from your brain (without being connected to your brain in any way) that becomes invincible when you think about it. It also gives super strength through the magic power of imaginary science.
-Ah the old I rechamber my .45s to shoot bigger bullets even though I never use guns to kill trick.
-Oh! Now I understand. The bad guys want to keep the Middle East unstable because they are EEEEEVIIIIIIL.
-MORE PARKOUR.
And that was The Phantom.
To sum up this movie, it's a symphony of stupid. From almost the opening scene to the end, the movie just scoffs at intelligence. There are going to be some spoilers ahead, so if you care about the integrity of a SyFy movie, you might want to stop reading.
Lets get the good things out of the way before I begin to just insult every single thing about this movie that they made for SyFy. The acting isn't that bad, and for the most part, the camera work is good.
Now comes the shit that just destroys every positive thing there could be about this movie.
-A very poor car chase. Nothing positive about this, because it just flashes between a woman and her kid, named Kit, being chased by some dudes in another vehicle. Then the bad guys start shooting at them with automatic weapons and manage to hit nobody, but then the mom drives the car into a river. At which time, the bad guys use a cell phone to declare that they are dead.to whoever their boss is.
-An evil Cable company. Seriously. An evil cable company that has mind control technology. FUCK. YOU.
-Parkour. This is the worst thing to hit movies. It looks silly, and it's fucking stupid. I can understand people who like to DO it, but if you enjoy watching it, you're a moron and I hope you get sterilized before your mouth breathing mongoloid children join the world's population.
-Oh I'm sorry, they aren't an evil cable company, they're an evil Hindu terrorist group consisting of some Indian dude, and a bunch of white people who seem like they think that he is going to rape them.
-So when the police arrest you for misdemeanors (and going as far as arresting you for crimes without any evidence or indication of the crime even happening), they enter your DNA into a computer system. I know that this is bullshit, because I got arrested for an actual crime and they didn't check my DNA. BECAUSE THAT ISN'T LEGAL.
-But it gets worse. Not only did they check his DNA illegaly, but apparently people just sit around monitoring DNA checks and then compare them to the DNA of a guy that has been dead for 20 years to see if they're related. This wasn't even the Evil Cable Company doing this retarded shit, this was the Good Guy secret organization.
-Ah, but the bad guys know the same information and sent ASSASSINS!!!!!! OH SHIT, THESE ASSASSINS KNOW PARKOUR. THIS SHIT JUST GOT EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEME.
-Again, Parkour is fucking stupid. Just fucking stupid.
-OH. A suit that gets signals from your brain (without being connected to your brain in any way) that becomes invincible when you think about it. It also gives super strength through the magic power of imaginary science.
-Ah the old I rechamber my .45s to shoot bigger bullets even though I never use guns to kill trick.
-Oh! Now I understand. The bad guys want to keep the Middle East unstable because they are EEEEEVIIIIIIL.
-MORE PARKOUR.
And that was The Phantom.
Monday, June 21, 2010
TheDenizen's TV Movie of the Century
Howdy, ninja gang...I'm back from my vision quest in the desert.
I've been caught in the swirling undertow of the time sink that is Read Dead Redemption for the last several weeks (too soon to declare GOTY?), but I've finally finished that up and gotten back into the swing of watching the crappiest movies I can find. I've got a backlog of shit to watch that would stagger a proctologist, so I soldier on.
One of the unexpected joys of mining the depths of lesser known world cinema is the occasional unearthing of an absolute gem. I recently watched the 1984 British made-for-TV nuclear holocaust film Threads, and not only was it the best film I've seen in ages, it gets my nod as the best TV movie I've ever encountered. I thought it would be a bit of a laugh, but I was dead wrong.
There are a couple of types of post-holocaust film: the predominant Mad Max action type, with outlaws and raiders racing around the wasteland and blowing each other up over resources, and the rarer scaremongering type which try to frighten people with dramatizations of how horrible the aftermath of nuclear war would truly be. Probably the best known American example of the latter is "The Day After", another TV movie from the same Cold War era as Threads. However, The Day After was full of melodrama and Hollywood heroics, and painted a cheesily unrealistic picture. The blunt realism of Threads is shocking in comparison.
Threads focuses on two working class families in Sheffield, England, which is the country's fourth largest city and one of the main centers of industry. The film slowly builds up the characters of Ruth and Jimmy, a young couple expecting a child, as well as their parents and siblings. In the beginning, there are news reports of tensions in the Middle East that everyone ignores. But as Jimmy and Ruth find an apartment and begin building their lives together, the tensions suddenly escalate into a very real threat of war between America and the USSR.
As panic gradually builds, people begin hoarding food and building bomb shelters according to government issued instructions. Contingency plans are put into motion, but suddenly 200 megatons falls on England and fucks up everything. Millions are killed in the initial blasts, and the survivors quickly discover that their shelters are woefully inadequate. Weakened by radiation sickness, hunger and disease, many millions more don't survive the first weeks. The film then continues on to tell the story of some of the few people remaining in England over the course of the next 13 years, struggling to cope with the reality of a world where everything left is irradiated.
The brilliance of Threads is twofold. One, it is disturbingly realistic looking. The filmmakers employed the expert knowledge of many scientists and nuclear theorists in writing the script, and filmed in a documentary style. The direction is flat, there is a monotone voiceover filling in necessary details, and almost no music to speak of. It feels real. Two, it doesn't flinch away from the horrific truth of the effects of nuclear explosions and fallout at all. Burning corpses, dead children, desperate and violent looters, radiation burns and projectile vomiting, completely ineffective government measures, mutations, it's all here. The only thing that Threads shies away from is cannibalism, which is never mentioned...although we do see survivors reduced to eating rats and raw animal carcasses.
Even without the cannibalism, Threads is relentlessly bleak and joyless, grisly horror piled upon horror, and the ending ruthlessly snatches away the one tiny shred of hope that exists. Threads aired on British TV in an era when most people only had 4 TV channels...millions of people saw this and it must've scared the bejesus out of Thatcher's England. It scared the bejesus out of me. And I loved it.
I do enjoy a good downer movie, and Threads is the granddaddy downer. It forces you to recognize the futility of trying to think or plan what you would do in the same situation. There's nothing you could do and there's nothing the survivors can do except keep going. Everyone should see this, especially horror buffs...it really is frightening. Powerful and affecting, seek Threads out and watch it.
Until next time...
I've been caught in the swirling undertow of the time sink that is Read Dead Redemption for the last several weeks (too soon to declare GOTY?), but I've finally finished that up and gotten back into the swing of watching the crappiest movies I can find. I've got a backlog of shit to watch that would stagger a proctologist, so I soldier on.
One of the unexpected joys of mining the depths of lesser known world cinema is the occasional unearthing of an absolute gem. I recently watched the 1984 British made-for-TV nuclear holocaust film Threads, and not only was it the best film I've seen in ages, it gets my nod as the best TV movie I've ever encountered. I thought it would be a bit of a laugh, but I was dead wrong.
There are a couple of types of post-holocaust film: the predominant Mad Max action type, with outlaws and raiders racing around the wasteland and blowing each other up over resources, and the rarer scaremongering type which try to frighten people with dramatizations of how horrible the aftermath of nuclear war would truly be. Probably the best known American example of the latter is "The Day After", another TV movie from the same Cold War era as Threads. However, The Day After was full of melodrama and Hollywood heroics, and painted a cheesily unrealistic picture. The blunt realism of Threads is shocking in comparison.
Threads focuses on two working class families in Sheffield, England, which is the country's fourth largest city and one of the main centers of industry. The film slowly builds up the characters of Ruth and Jimmy, a young couple expecting a child, as well as their parents and siblings. In the beginning, there are news reports of tensions in the Middle East that everyone ignores. But as Jimmy and Ruth find an apartment and begin building their lives together, the tensions suddenly escalate into a very real threat of war between America and the USSR.
As panic gradually builds, people begin hoarding food and building bomb shelters according to government issued instructions. Contingency plans are put into motion, but suddenly 200 megatons falls on England and fucks up everything. Millions are killed in the initial blasts, and the survivors quickly discover that their shelters are woefully inadequate. Weakened by radiation sickness, hunger and disease, many millions more don't survive the first weeks. The film then continues on to tell the story of some of the few people remaining in England over the course of the next 13 years, struggling to cope with the reality of a world where everything left is irradiated.
The brilliance of Threads is twofold. One, it is disturbingly realistic looking. The filmmakers employed the expert knowledge of many scientists and nuclear theorists in writing the script, and filmed in a documentary style. The direction is flat, there is a monotone voiceover filling in necessary details, and almost no music to speak of. It feels real. Two, it doesn't flinch away from the horrific truth of the effects of nuclear explosions and fallout at all. Burning corpses, dead children, desperate and violent looters, radiation burns and projectile vomiting, completely ineffective government measures, mutations, it's all here. The only thing that Threads shies away from is cannibalism, which is never mentioned...although we do see survivors reduced to eating rats and raw animal carcasses.
Even without the cannibalism, Threads is relentlessly bleak and joyless, grisly horror piled upon horror, and the ending ruthlessly snatches away the one tiny shred of hope that exists. Threads aired on British TV in an era when most people only had 4 TV channels...millions of people saw this and it must've scared the bejesus out of Thatcher's England. It scared the bejesus out of me. And I loved it.
I do enjoy a good downer movie, and Threads is the granddaddy downer. It forces you to recognize the futility of trying to think or plan what you would do in the same situation. There's nothing you could do and there's nothing the survivors can do except keep going. Everyone should see this, especially horror buffs...it really is frightening. Powerful and affecting, seek Threads out and watch it.
Until next time...
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