KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS

FROM DUST Is Rad - This Means You Should Buy It

2011-07-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

From Dust is a recent entry in the Xbox Live SUMMER OF ARCADE promotion alongside Bastion and the upcoming Insanely Twisted Shadow Planet.

All 3 games are really rad, but From Dust really stands out. This is the kind of game that I dreamed I was playing as a child. I played stuff like Populous and Sim City, but I always wanted a little more. From Dust is nothing like Populous and Sim City, but it still scratches that I MUST CONTROL THE WORLD itch that sandbox games strive for.

You don't have direct control over anyone... only some of the elements. It's a strange place you're thrown into... with the power to move earth, water and lava... but no power to physically manipulate the people you're trying to save. Tsunamis and lava rivers can only be redirected, not completely stopped. That is... until you get the special powers that protect villagers from water and fire. But even then, it's up to THEM to bring the knowledge back to the village. It's your job to make sure they can get there safely.

This is the kind of 'GOD' game I've wanted. A game where people go about their business and you control the world around them. You influence the people rather than push them.

But hey... you can still drown them and burn them alive, so it's all good.

Seriously. Get the demo.
It's coming to PSN and PC soon, but it's on XBLA right now for 15 bucks.

Resident Evil: Afterlife is stupid

2011-06-13T17:10:00.000-07:00

I was making a running tally of everything that was wrong with the movie, but really just pick a 10 minute section of the movie and you will notice something stupid.

Alice explicitly states that there is no sign of life in LA, not even any undead. Then it cuts away to a massive crowd of zombies. Apparently no sign of undead means thousands of them.

Just awful in every way....except for Wentworth Miller. How is he not a bigger star yet?

Assorted Cartoon Notes From After the Rapture

2011-05-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

So May 21st came and the world didn't end. What did happen was Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes had the episode titled "Hail, Hydra!" Which was the best episode yet. There will be spoilers for the episode, so if you're going to watch it, you might not want to read this first. The episode is about AIM and Hydra fighting over the Cosmic Cube. The Avengers move to stop them, and SHIELD shows up, under the new Director, Maria Hill, and she declares that the Avengers are no longer getting the same pass that Nick Fury had given them while he was running SHIELD. She makes a few comments about them needing to be registered (ugh, Civil War was a pile of shit and I hope it doesn't rear its head in this series again), but there is no real followup in it in this episode. What DID happen is Baron Strucker and Captain America touched the Cosmic Cube at the same time, and it appears as if nothing happened. Until the closing moments, where it's revealed that when Cap touched the Cube, he wished that Bucky didn't die. Obviously we're going to get a Winter Soldier, and this was a far superior way of having Bucky live than what the comics went with (they chose an "Everything You Know Was Wrong" approach rather than give a good reason).

This comes onto the heels of the fact the Guardians of the Galaxy are confirmed to be on the show's second season. It's not the real Guardians, but rather the new version of them, but still it's close enough. The fact that AEMH keeps getting better is real plus for fans of the Avengers, as well as fans of superhero cartoons.

The other big superhero cartoon on television right now, is Young Justice, which still isn't airing new episodes, but the show has been at a very high quality as well. Some of the continuity changes are fantastic additions (Superboy's power level) but the lack of The Kid's personality really breaks my heart. Miss Martian is a great replacement for Secret, and Artemis is a very interesting choice.

I guess we will see which one of these shows ends up being better in the long run (I'd put money on the Avengers though).

In other cartoon news, I recently watched Birdy the Mighty: Decode on Netflix Instant Viewing. It was an excellent anime. It was essentiallty a story about Mar-Vell in the form of an attractive Anime girl. It's a space cop named Birdy, who accidentally kills a teenage boy, and then they end up sharing a body while she searches for an alien weapon named the Ryunka. It's a short show (13 episodes that not counting credits are all about 20 minutes) so there isn't a ton of time investment involved with it. There is a single annoying character, who thankfully isn't in every episode.

Finally, I noticed some Marvel Motion Comics on Netflix Instant Viewing. They seem to be done really well, the Iron Man one is really great, but the Spider-Woman has terrible voice acting. There is also an X-Men one but I haven't watched it yet. Also, the entire Black Panther cartoon is on Netflix Instant Viewing. I put it here because it's animated a little less than the other motion comics. It's quite shameful. It's also just the telling of the terribad Reggie Hudlin origin where everything is about evil white people trying to kill the T'Challa because because he's black royalty. I wouldn't really recommend this to anyone who isn't already a fan of the Black Panther because it's quite disgraceful to the character (much like Hudlin's entire run on the comic book series).

Wackydeli's top 20 games

2011-04-12T06:30:00.001-07:00

Top 20 games of all time, by WackyDeli

Kaboom sucks and sorry for having a busy and hectic life since I originally wanted to do this.

Also PC games SUCK.

20. Banjo Kazooie

This game was bought on a whim when it came out, and was a gem that has been part of my N64 collection since.

19. Blast Corps

Same as Banjo I had no idea what it was about, but it looked awesome. I have a lot of fun running around making explosions in this game.

18. Mario Paint

Even to this day, I still play this game every few weeks. Amazing game that introduced many of us to the joys of computer art. The fly swatting game is also extra rad.

17. NBA Hangtime

The first sports game to make the list. Hangtime was the first game I slaved over to unlock everything, and complete 100%. I can remember playing this game until 4 a.m. on occasion, and I was nine. What terrible parenting.

I still think thats Emmitt Smith on the cover.

16. Virtua Tennis

The game that made me drive to six different malls looking for it. Well I couldn't drive yet, and we were visiting relatives. Eventually we found this game, and I was excited I could stop spending 2 dollars everytime I went to the Arcade.

The Ten Most Crazy Awesome Things In Japanese Wrestling

2011-03-12T20:27:00.000-08:00

Also titled, "OR remembers he's still a writer at KBN, 2011 Edition"

Anyways, as most of the people who view this blog know, Japanese wrestling has three modes: Awesome, Crazy, and Crazy Awesome. But for those who reading aren't aware of this, I say you're missing out on a wonderful and bizarre world. Well, no, I actually say "how the fuck did you learn about Kidnapped By Ninjas in the first place". But after THAT, I say you need OR's personal version of Wacky Japanese Indy Shit 101.

10. Danshoku Dino vs Aja Kong

Just like Japanese wrestling in general has three modes, women's wrestling in Japan (Joshi for those who somehow don't know about this) has three archetypes of wrestlers: Super-Hot asskickers (pretty much just Megumi Kudo and Akira Hokuto here, really), vaguely boyish looking junior heavyweights, and vicious monster women whose primary job is murdering the vaguely boyish looking types.

Aja Kong is the third type. And her favorite weapon of boygirl murder is her spinning backfist.

Danshoku Dino is not a joshi wrestler, however. He is the gayest wrestler ever. That's not a homophobic statement or any kind of hyperbole, mind you... Danshoku Dino (both the character and the person who plays him) is an openly gay wrestler whose primary finishing move involved stuffing his opponent's head into his tights for a piledriver. And he's also got like four variations of this, including one where he also stuffs his opponent's head into the thong he wears under his tights. Also, instead of chopping on the chest, he chops his opponents in the dick. No, really.

One day, they met. And as you can probably guess, Dino's signature offense was of little use to him, so Kong murdered him. What makes this crazy awesome? The finish. Before knocking Dino's head off with her backfist, she forces Dino to grab her own tits. In other words, she out-Dinoed Dino.

For what's probably this match but I'm too lazy to check myself, click here.

9. KUDO's Game Of Death

There is a company in Japan called Triple Sixxx, or 666 for short. It's basically JCW, except without shitty rapping clowns and shitty wrestling, it's got some of the weirdest gimmicks imaginable, including a wrestling monk who constantly wrestles while having his legs crossed Yoga style, and a 500 pound version of Ronald McDonald.

KUDO is Japanese Indy Wrestling's homage to Bruce Lee. Much like Bruce Lee, he can cave in your skull with his foot. Also like Bruce Lee, he is fucking awesome.

KUDO came to Triple Sixxx to do a wrestling version of Bruce Lee's Game of Death... essentially a gauntlet match where he fought a bunch of nameless jobbers and 'killed' them in various ways. He even wore a yellow jumpsuit, presumably because his usual wrestling outfight was at the dry cleaners.

KUDO's final opponent... was KUDO himself! Yes, for the first time since 1994, wrestling had a 'mirror match'. The match ended when KUDO (The second KUDO) snapped KUDO's neck.

Sadly, I can't find this on YouTube. Which is odd because I SAW it on YouTube.

8. Saitama Pro Wrestling

What's that, you never heard of Saitama Pro? Well, there's a few reasons for that. One is that it's roster is comprised of like two people. The other is that they almost never had an actual ring, but wrestled on gym mats. But also, you don't know how awesome Japanese indy wrestling is, because Saitama Pro has arguably one of the most famous absurdly bizarre gimmick ever: KEN THE BOX.

Now, I said the roster has two people in it. Well, outside of kayfabe that's true. In kayfabe, the main hero of Saitama Pro is Survival Tobita. Tobita is basically the Blade of Japanese Indies, only instead of vampires, Tobita fights momsters with crazy ass gimmicks like Education Magamon, who forces innocent people to read (WHAT A SICK BASTARD!). But there is one foe that Tobita has never defeated... Ken The Box, aka Mokujin Ken, aka Bokujin Ken.

Their battles are top notch, fifty-star greco-roman classics, like this one here.

7. The Epic Dream Match

This is also from Saitama Pro, and is an even more astounding technical masterpiece. It is the battle that wrestling fans all over the world crave to see, but it has happened only once ever. Two of the greatest and most iconic names in wrestling going at it.

This is... TABLE... VERSUS... LADDER

6. BJPW's Shopping Plaza Deathmatch

Big Japan is basically the CZW of Japan. Well, that's kind of unfair. CZW is more like like Big Japan's braindead stepcousin. One day, they decided to hold a wrestling match in a shopping center in Japan. Where in Japan, I have absolutely no idea. I'm going to guess and say Kyoto. When, sometime in 1996.

Anyway, they have a match... and it kind of sucks really. But then, for absolutely no discernable reason, the wrestlers in the match basically fight all over the shopping plaza, going into stores and punching each other and occasionally knocking over stuff and hitting each other with fish.

I'd go into further detail, but that's pretty much what happens. It's so silly and terrible, and yet like a car wreck, you can't possibly turn away.

Sadly, I can't find it on YouTube.

5. Wrestling HOFer President Ramu

Back to Triple Sixxx for this one, or rather 666's most awesome regular, President Ramu (aka Chairman Ramu, aka Kaicho Ramu). Ramu (the daughter of another wrestler, Onryo) debuted at the age of 7, and almost never lost a match (she held three championships, so I assume she's only lost three matches ever).

Believe it or not, she's only the SECOND youngest wrestler ever, beaten by Mr. 6, but Mr. 6 was essentially a cheesy ripoff of Ramu's act so he's not worthy of further mention here.

For a sample of the awesome that is Ramu, click here.

4. Ironman Heavymetalweight Championship

Dramatic Dream Team is probably the most epic wrestling promotion ever. The home promotion of KUDO and Danshoku Dino, their product is best described as WWE if Vince McMahon was on a permanent LSD trip... and also a billion times more entertaining than WWE ever was. Even their founder/head booker, Sanshiro Takagi, pretty much does a parody of Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Really, I could just put DDT as a whole in this slot, but I'm going to focus on the epicenter of DDT's greatness, it's Ironman Heavymetalweight championship. Having well over 750 championship reigns since it's inception (meaning an average reign is less than a week long), the title is defended 24/7, and the winner does not necessarily have to be a DDT wrestler, or indeed, a member of the human race... or even a living being at all.

And what's not to love about a belt that's been held by a Hello Kitty doll?

Here's footage of one of the belt's most famous title changes, when Ladder #2 (yes, the belt has been won by no less than three different ladders) was pinned by... DDT's ref's dog.

3. The Saga of Yinling's Baby

Before I describe this, watch this video first.

Now, here's what you just saw:

It's from HUSTLE, which was essentially All Japan's attempt at making a promotion like DDT. While it had it's moments, this is by large it's best.

Yinling The Erotic Terrorist was one of the top villains of HUSTLE, and teamed with Tajiri (yes, THAT Tajiri) against Great Muta (yes, THAT Great Muta) and Real Gay (aka Hard Gay #2). Yinling tried to defeat Muta with her "M Style Pin", but Muta countered this by rolling her over and misting her right in her nether regions.

Apparently, the Green Mist does more than just blind opponents, as Yinling became pregnant due to the mist (which begs the question of what would have happened if he used one of the other mist variations instead). Instead of giving birth to the baby, she laid an egg, which grew into... Monster Bono (played by the 64th Yokozuna and guy who kicked Big Show's ass at WrestleMania, Akebono).

I guarantee you if WWE did this exact same storyline only with CM Punk, Gail Kim, and Great Khali, it would lead to MASH Finale-breaking ratings for Raw.

2. YOSHIHIKO

I'm not even going to bother describing YOSHIHIKO, I'm just going to post this video of him wrestling Kenny Omega and let it speak for itself.

1. DDT Campsite Wrestling

Now, if YOSHIHIKO, Danshoku Dino, and the Ironman Heavymetalweight title haven't convinced you yet that DDT is the greatest wrestling promotion ever, then this will.

DDT is the only promotion to feature, and I shit you not, a tag team match in a nature preserve. And this isn't at all like the shitty shopping center match; they actually wrestle. In ring gear. Well, three of the wrestlers do, Muscle Sakai (who, btw, is my personal role model) didn't get the memo and showed up in hiking gear instead. Not only that, but they actually do spots that aren't 'punching a lot'. This is also the first match to my knowledge to feature a BOTTLE ROCKET FIGHT.

This match was so epic, they did at least one more, but here is the original.

And now, for my final thought: Boy that car is coming real fast I hope it's brakes wo

The Worst Thing About CoD: Black Ops

2011-03-03T18:41:00.001-08:00

I finally isolated the worst thing about Black Ops. It actually isn't that the game lacks polish in just about every aspect of it. The only thing that seems to have any real time spent on it was the voice acting. But even though they went all out for the voice cast, they did it wrong. Completely. Look at the cast.

Ed Harris, Gary Oldman, Ice Cube, and Sam Worthington. That would probably make a good movie. The problem is this is a videogame that lacks every single element that makes a movie enjoyable. That's not the only problem. Let's look at the offenders individually.

Sam Worthington. I know he's the next big action star and everything but there could not have been a worse choice for an American soldier in a videogame. For one, he doesn't hide his accent at all. His Australian accent was what got this whole rant started. It was extremely distracting in the game. Video games provide a level of immersion that really can't be rivaled by other media, and miscasting a voice is probably the fastest way to ruin immersion. On top of that, why would you want someone who is famous for their LOOKS in your game where all you will hear is their VOICE? With a game lacking as much polish as Black Ops, the money spent on Worthington could have gone into the game itself.

Ed Harris: I have no idea why he would even do this. I'm assuming they paid him a lot of money. Ed Harris is a good actor, but I didn't know it was him voicing Hudson. Which is the problem with most of the voice casting in this game.

Gary Oldman: First of all, Gary Oldman is one of the best actors in the entire world. He disappears into roles better than almost anyone else. The guy has an amazing range. So they cast him as Reznov, the Russian sidekick to Mason. The only problem is he's doing a Russian accent the whole time so there is no way to even know it was Gary Oldman. I'm pretty sure that someone like him has a high pricetag. I'm also pretty sure that there are hundreds of great voice actors who do great Russian accents for probably half the pay. Nobody is going to know it's Gary Oldman anyway, so why bother hiring him?

But all of that is Treyarch's modus operandi. They can't make a game worth shit so Activision markets the game insanely well. There was nothing in the entire game that was done as well as Call of Duty 4, which released in 2007. In fact, I would go as far as to say Ice Cube was the only thing that the game got right. He is extremely recognizable as well as delivers the lines with the proper emotional tone.

Introducing a new series

2011-03-01T07:38:00.001-08:00

Wackydeli's top 20 console games of all time!

Starting tomorrow March 2nd I will begin a countdown of my top 20
games of all time.

BULLETSTORM

2011-02-24T19:26:00.001-08:00

"I'm not interested in quantifying how much abuse your ass was built for."

That is an actual line from the game.

Short Review: RAD

Long Review: REALLY FUCKING RAD

Bullestorm is a love letter to me. It's true. Grayson Hunt was completely designed from the ground up to be appealing to people like me. His entire personality is just like mine. He's constantly making jokes, and always has a witty comment whenever something happens in the game. His partner, Ishi, plays a perfect straight man to go along with Gray's outlandish behavior. Trishka is cool as hell as well.

Anyway on to Bulletstorm the videogame. Best game I have played in a while. The most important thing that Bulletstrom does, is be fun. More videogames should be more concerned about being fun rather than exciting (although Bulletstrom has its exciting moments as well). Everything about Bulletstorm says VIDEOGAME. Nothing is taken very serious at all, even the gimmick of score points is worked into the game as a function of the game (they actually do explain it, and it's kind of cool). The object of the game is to rack up points from your skillshots. A skillshot is a method of killing an enemy, and whenever you do one, an indicator pops up on the screen and informs you of what skillshot you did and how many points it was worth. To assist in these, you get the Leash, which grabs a distant enemy and pulls them towards you and puts that enemy in slow motion. You also have a kick which knocks a nearby enemy away from in slow motion, and a slide which pops the enemy upwards into slow motion. The skillshots are an awesome feature. I haven't had this much fun picking apart enemies since the first Medal of Honor, which was the first time I saw an enemy react to getting shot in the nuts. Now I leash someone and kick them away and shoot them in the butthole and get a little popup that says "REAR ENTRY." It makes me smile every single time too. I'm having more fun trying to shoot enemies in different methods with different guns in an attempt to get different skillshots, and that provides a whole different type of challenge rather than just survive or make it to the next waypoint.

Other than the campaign (which is very entertaining), you get two other modes. Echoes and Multiplayer. Echoes takes small parts of some of the levels and you play them with the goal of getting the highest possible score. There is a 3 star rating on how you do in Echo, which gives you a goal to reach. It's very evocative of older games where the challenge was always getting a higher score than your friends. Multiplayer (which people are calling Anarchy Mode, even though it doesn't say that anywhere in the game itself) is similar to the Horde Mode in Gears of War where you and up to 3 other people online take on waves of enemies in an attempt to get higher scores. In between rounds you can purchase upgrades for your weapons and character with the points that you have been earning. As you level up, you will acquire cosmetic changes to your character to customize they way that you look. It starts off very easy and then the challenge increases each round as you take on different types and combinations of enemies.

The game is not perfect though, it has two noticable flaws. The campaign's story has two twists that are completely predictable even before the twist comes. One of them was very unnecessary and the other was kind of neat (I'm not going to spoil it for people that care). There are also long load times. This has never been a dealbreaker for me, and it is not starting now. Even with these two minor flaws, Bulletstorm provides the most fun I've had in a game this generation. Anyone who plays games not just for entertainment but for fun would not be disappointed in their purchase of this game. If you can play through this game and not laugh a single time you're better off not playing a videogame ever again and watching stupid shit like Woody Allen movies anyway.

Best Picture opinions

2011-01-28T07:48:00.000-08:00

Inception - Inventive, entertaining, popcorn action drama thriller. That's how I would describe the movie. Sometimes it gets tripped up on it's own bullshit, but as complicated as it was I found it to be pretty straightforward. To be honest I probably couldn't tell you exactly what happens in the movie in fear of confusing myself like I so happily tried to avoid. The big question is do I think this deserves the best picture Oscar? No, unfortunately. It was a great movie and in my top 5 of the year, but it felt rushed in spots and long-winded in other which shouldn't be case for an almost three hour movie. This could have been paced a little better, and that might have been the tipping point for me.

The Fighter - This is more than a boxing movie, as most boxing movies are, but this is a different case. In most movies like this the main character would ditch his drug-dealing brother, controlling money hungry mother, and bitchy family members. Maybe that's what he should of done, but in this film (based on a true story of course), he doesn't and still makes it to the top. I think that's a refreshing angle in a film like this. There's nothing storybook about this story and it doesn't really hit any of the storybook notes along the line, but at the end I still cared if he won and was excited that he did. Out of all the movies of the year this one was the most surprisingly good for me, and I can't think of a damn thing I didn't like, but the Oscar does not go to The Fighter.

True Grit - It was said beforehand that this wasn't the typical Coen brother movie, and that much of their signature humor was lost in this film. I completely disagree. This was the Coens brothers take on a western, and even if you have to read between the lines, all their signatures are there. I laughed my ass off throughout this movie, and when I wasn't their was plenty of human drama, action, or even scenery to enjoy. I think the scenery is really the last thing I loved about this movie which says a lot. Usually westerns are visual feats, and sometimes the characters play backseat to it. In this movie the scenery was beautiful, but you really had to quit listening and watching the characters to enjoy. Anyways, it's really a testament to their talent that they can make a western in 2011 a box office hit AND best picture contender. Do I think it should win the statue? No.

The Kids Are All Right - This is a good comedy/drama bogged down by weird story choices. I don't want to spoil the movie too much, but in the end you're supposed to want to see the two women together, but with the way the other characters played out, and the way they just brush them off in the end, I didn't. As much as I did like this movie, when I'm sitting there unsatisfied with a happy ending there are a lot of problems with your movie. I felt Annette Bening's character was underdeveloped and underused, almost a background character in this film, and her Oscar nod is surely based on past work. There were times were you could clearly see her struggling to act out the scene. You could take my criticisms as being frustrated the narrative wasn't cliche, but usually the cliches are there so the story is well rounded instead of lopsided. A little more time in the oven and this could have been a contender, but the way it turned out the damn thing shouldn't even be nominated.

Toy Story 3 - Why is this nominated? I liked it, but the emotional impact just wasn't there. It almost felt like the tearjerker scenes were thrown in there out of expectation and not in any organic way. The characters themselves FEEL like toys this time around instead of actual character. Let me explain; this movie is mostly typical kids move shenanigans. The few scenes meant to make you cry feel out of place with the rest of the film, and are actually relying on your emotional attachment to the character from the previous movies. I'm sorry, but you can't expect me to give a damn about these toys because of Toy Story 1 and 2. I wanted to feel the attachment to them in Toy Story 3. If you cut out every scene in the movie except for the heart wrenching tearjerker scenes you'd feel the exact same impact (had you seen the other two). To me, that means this movie failed, and mostly mostly an experiment in making movie.

As you can see I haven't seen all of the movies nominated. From what I've seen I wouldn't give any of them Best Picture, but I wouldn't be unhappy with a Fighter or True Grit win. My prediction is the Social Network though.

Uruguay is awesome.

2011-01-07T18:34:00.000-08:00

As much as I love lucha libre, I never thought it would get this awesome-

Cubsfan posted this on deathvalleydriver. If you don't read the lucha blog over at www.luchablog.com, do it. Also, watch this.

TheDenizen talks Big Muscles and Body Slams

2010-12-30T16:25:00.000-08:00

Early Happy New Year, fellow ninjas.

It's been a few months but TheDenizen is back from the wilderness to serve up the goods on some more awesomely bad flicks.

Today I'm going to review a selection of wrestling movies. Pro wrestling is something that most of us like, even if it isn't really accepted by mainstream culture (I know it has had it's heydays, but it's definitely on a long downswing at the moment). Wrestling is generally seen as a niche interest of rednecks and trailer trash, and any references to it are usually mocking in tone. It's considered low brow, low budget entertainment.

It's not surprising then, that most wrestling films are cheap, low budget affairs made for the grindhouse market. They're also usually from Mexico or Japan (where the purists know the best pro wrestling is anyways)...there were dozens of movies starring Mexican luchador Santo in the 60s and 70s. Anyways, here's a handful of capsule reviews for some of my favorite wrestling flicks.

Calamari Wrestler - Cheesy wrasslin action from Japan, this one is a pretty formulaic underdog/sports movie kinda like Rocky, with the catch that the main character is a guy in a big, fake looking rubber squid costume. All the other actors treat him as though he were a real giant squid, and ignore the inherent strangeness of it. Very dry humor as the whole cast just plays every scene completely straight faced opposite a massive cephalopod. Hilarious.

Enter Zombie King - Gloriously campy lucha libre flick from Canada that features a group of technicos led by Ulysses fighting against evil rudo Zombie King and his undead hordes. Pretty much everyone in the movie wears a wrestling mask at all times, and Ulysses is constantly spouting ridiculous nonsense philosophies. It's got hot chicks, a great surf soundtrack, a Jim Neidhart cameo, and tons of dudes beating up zombies with snapmares and huracanranas. You could do a lot worse.

The Wrestler - Despite being a low budget indy film, this movie is the exception in that it's a serious drama about a washed up pro wrestler, and not just some schlocky junk. This is a really great flick and Mickey Rourke gives an amazing performance as the pathetic and broken down Randy the Ram. It won awards and deservedly revitalized his career. Some of the overwrought emotional stuff with the daughter came off as a little hokey, but it's just a crushing experience. Every pro wrestling fan should see it.

Oh! My Zombie Mermaid - Real life grappler Shinya Hashimoto stars as a pro wrestler whose wife is severely injured in an explosion and begins to transform into a mermaid. Unable to pay the medical bills, he is forced to accept a big money death match against a faction of rogue killer wrestlers called DDD. The first half hour or so is just set up but the last hour is solid insanely over the top wrestling action in a series of escalating battles. It's like a bad anime come to life, in a good way.

3 Dev Adam - Granted, this film is only tangentially related to wrestling, but it's such a great flick I relish any opportunity to talk about it. It's a Turkish superhero film in which knockoff versions of Captain America and the famous luchador Santo are brought in by Turkish police to help them stop evil knockoff Spiderman who is on a terrible crime spree. It's seriously insane watching a paunchy Spiderman climb up a drainpipe and stab a woman to death in the shower. Spidey terrorizes people with hungry gerbils. A woman gets killed with an outboard motor in the first minute. If you haven't seen this flick, find it. It's gold.

There's a bunch of other wrestling flicks to be had as well...I've got a few of the authentic Santo films on my "to-watch" pile. Plus there's a Japanese film called Rikidozan, a biopic about pioneering Korean wrestling star of the same name that is excellent by most accounts. And if you can stomach Jack Black's particular brand of "humor", I suppose Nacho Libre is a technically a lucha film too. Of course there's also Hulk Hogan's terrible movies, but other than No Holds Barred, his movies weren't really about wrestling anyways.

Happy viewing.

Whoops

2010-12-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

I posted this by accident.

Use the comment section to call me nasty names.

Great Week for Cartoons

2010-11-28T17:36:00.001-08:00

So the last week was great for Cartoons. There was not one, but two really good animated features on Cartoon Network. Firebreather and Young Justice.

Firebreather was a very solid program. It's loosely based on the comic book by Phil Hester and Andy Kuhn. The basic premise is a high school kid who is the son of a dragon and a human. The only real negatives about the entire feature was that in the not so action oriented scenes, the animation is weird. The move like the old animatronic band at Chuck E Cheese. This also was not an issue during the fight scenes. The other negative was an extremely out of place parkour scene which was stupid and unnecessary (like every Parkour scene in every movie ever). Those two things aside, Firebreather was very entertaining. I don't know if they have any future plans for it, but I would certainly hope so.

The other new cartoon was Young Justice. This got a little bit of noise a while back when they revealed the black Aqualad. He still looks goofy as hell, but at least he looks cooler than the Aqualad from the Teen Titans cartoon. This was only the pilot for the series that is planned, and the show really knocked it out of the park. Every character has a great introduction to the viewer (which is important in a show about several characters). It was bound to ruffle nerd feathers when they didn't follow the old Young Justice series (which is an amazing comic in it's own right), but it was really great. Everything was executed perfectly and there was nothing to change. Well except for Aqualad's blond hair. Sisqo looked stupid 13 years ago, and it looks just as dumb today as it did back then.

Both of these can be found fairly easily online (although when I was looking for Young Justice, I came across quite a few scame sites so don't go to a website you don't trust while looking for it) and I would recommend watching both of these if you have some time to spare (both are less than an hour each).

XBOX Indie Game Worth Buying: ZP2KX

2010-11-26T17:31:00.000-08:00

If you haven't played the $1 XBOX Live Indie Game, ZP2K9, you're a doofus. There's a sequel coming. That's the trailer. It has online multiplayer and radical suits that give you powers. It's like Soldat... if Soldat wasn't so fucking bland.

This game is going to rock, and it's going to be worth your money.

EYE GAIRAWNTEE

I made another commercial.

2010-11-10T18:57:00.001-08:00

Random Thoughts about tons of stuff.

2010-11-10T16:54:00.000-08:00

I haven't written anything for here in a long time. Not because I was busy because some prick named Mark Isdell broke into my house and stole all my electronics because he doesn't want to go and get an actual job. So that sucked. The worst part was that I had a lot of stuff on the computer that was irreplaceable, mainly the manuscript I was writing, which I've started rewriting again but my heart is isn't in the same place about it.

So here is what I've been thinking about over the past 4 months or so.

Red, The Werewolf Hunter was one of the worst SyFy movies I've ever seen. I've watched a lot of them lately, and it was just awful. I'd put it barely a notch of The Phantom. First of all, can internerds (I just made that up) please stop pretending that Felicia Day is attractive. Because she really isn't. She's also a terrible actress. Which means SyFy had to get her in the title role of a movie about Little Red Riding Hood's descendants fighting Werewolves (sounds awesome). Then the movie hits every cliche you could think of. The werewolves looked a little cool though.

World of Warcraft is my main videogame right now (I play a hunter named Aksana on Korialstrasz if you want to play with someone as cool as me). As much as I like the actual game, I find the community seems to get worse as the new expansion looms in (Cataclysm, and it looks like it will be awesome). I've never seen a group of nerds who despise nerd culture as much as WoW players. Anything new in the game sucks, because things were always better before YOU played. There is an elitist problem where people think that they are the ULTIMATE player of the game. The one who knows all and everyone else is a moron. It doesn't matter how bad they play, it's YOUR fault because they have been playing for 5 years so it couldn't possible be their fault. Other than the D-Bags, the game is a blast, and one hell of a time killer.

Why the hell havent' we gotten a good SOCOM game on next gen consoles yet? I've been playing some SOCOM 3 lately (great game even though it looks like ass nowadays) and I can't believe how bad Confrontation was. There are so many things that SOCOM does right that other developers haven't even bothered to try out. Like intergrated Clan systems. Not just some silly initials before your name, but there is a Clan Menu where you can view members. It really isn't the same thing as a friend's list and several games could benefit from this feature.

Jackass 3D was such a good experience. When people make a movie and they are having fun, it really makes that much of a difference. Also there was a lot less penii (that's the plural of Penis) in this movie than in number 2. Which is a plus for some.

Avengers Cartoon: I think it's subtitled Earth's Mightiest Heroes, but who cares, it's the only Avengers cartoon on Disney XD. This is the best superhero cartoon I've ever seen. It's amazing. If you're a fan of The Avengers you have to watch this cartoon (and get over how stupid the Wasp looks, she had worse costumes in the comics several times).

I can't wait for the Christmas Special for Doctor Who this year. Matt Smith was even better than David Tennant and you're doing yourself a disservice if you haven't watched the last season of Doctor Who.

The Captain America movie pictures from a few weeks ago, made the movie look 100 times better than I originally thought. I like Chris Evans, but I didn't think he was a good choice for Cap. This is why I'm not a casting director, because he looked exactly like Captain America should. Hopefully the movie has a good story because I don't just want a movie that looks cool. Learn the lessons that Iron Man taught comic book movies. People like pretty action movies, but they love pretty action movies with likable characters and a plot that actually plots.

Batman: Under the Red Hood was the best comic book movie I've ever seen. I don't even like Batman that much but this was awesome. DC has been on a roll with their animated movies (Marvel not so much).

The Losers was the second best comic book movie. Seriously. It didn't do anything new for an action movie, but everything it did was great. The elements combined like Captain Planet only instead of fighting shitty eco terrorists he made a good movie.

Pay Per Channel TV

2010-11-04T17:08:00.000-07:00

by SonnyBone
------------

I'm thinking about canceling my cable TV subscription because I pay TOO MUCH for what I actually watch. With NETFLIX and HULU becoming more readily available by the day, I think satellite and cable tv providers need to find a solution and find it fast.

MY SOLUTION: Let me pay for the channels I want and nothing more.

Right now I'm paying a ridiculous amount of money for access to hundreds of channels when I seriously only watch 10. Charge me a buck twenty five per channel per month and you've got a deal that's on par with my HD Netflix subscription.

Then if I see something that I want to watch that's not on my subscription service, make me pay a dollar to watch it. That'll bring you some extra income and may force me to think about adding it to my monthly lineup.

Either way, these network and cable stations need to suck it up and realize that their shit is OLD and SUCKY.

Cop Drama

2010-10-11T19:01:00.000-07:00

So my group has been working on a new project. The group is down to four people to be honest, but I think this turned out entertaining. It's called "Cop Drama" and is about two cops on the beat. Two episodes are finished and on Youtube, and we have scripts for three more that are ready to be filmed. Hope you guys enjoy it.

Dental Hygiene

2010-10-09T00:25:00.000-07:00

I swear, bamboo toothpicks are absolutely AWESOME.

The only things better for the whole "food between your teeth" situation are FLOSS...

...and just not having anything between your teeth at all.

Bamboo toothpicks. Seriously. Just raid your local Chinese restaurant for 'em next time. It's totally worth it.

Shameless Whoring

2010-09-19T21:34:00.000-07:00

So the last couple of months every post I've made has been whoring of my work. I think that's unfair to this blog. In fact I did a teaser for an upcoming movie last month that I've declined to post here cause I don't want to just throw my stuff up on here with no content. It's shameless whoring.

Alright, moving on. I got a few things I do want to post about. I saw some movies the past month I want to sorta review.

Piranha 3D

What a good time at the movies. It starts off with an AMAZING cameo by Richard Dreyfuss, and ends with Christopher Lloyd being cartoonishly overly dramatic. This film had tension, comedy, gore, nudity, and characters that I cared about at the end. James Cameron talked some crap about Piranha, but this movie needed to be in 3D more than Avatar. My favorite 3D part is either the dead Piranha's flying up towards the camera as Michael Clark Duncan hams it up, or the two naked chicks swimming underwater. Overall I think it was one of the best movies of the summer and far from the disappointment it could have been.

Machete

This is where I'm sorta gonna review The Expendables as well as Machete. The Expendables feels like Stallone didn't try. Replace the cast and get rid of a few explosions and you can watch this movie on straight-to-DVD...well, you don't have to replace Dolph Lundgren. Not enough action, plot, tension, or much of anything. Just kind of a nice payday for the lot of them. All the talk about cumming and getting pregnant was all hype.

Machete, on the other hand, delivers a movie I didn't expect. It had all the cool action and awesome shit that was shown in the trailers, but I thought the plot, acting, and characters were fantastic. Everything was developed nicely and you got good quiet scenes with all the characters to learn about their motivations and such. Expendables was just very generic and hollow. Machete is the action flick of the summer in my humble opinion.

Devil

A very good horror/thriller/mystery. Not a scene feels unnecessary, it's inventive enough, has a great pace at 80 minutes, and in the end the tension of this movie makes it feel twice as long. That's a very good thing when you're on the edge of your seat. I'm not saying it's mind-blowing, but it's good & worth the 9 dollar ticket. I'm anxiously awaiting the other Night Chronicles.

I am a teacher again

2010-08-10T06:35:00.001-07:00

This time dealing with In School Suspension only. Expect a lot more out of the WD.

So let's start it back up with "WHAT I ATE"

Last night the lady and I went to the grocery, in a torrential downpour mind you, and got the makings for veggie lasagna. I don't know how you feel about cooked meat in the oven, but I hate it. I also hate beef. It's the grossest thing since egg farts. So she made the lasagna, I made the salad and corn, and we made some garlic bread.

Was it good?

Yes! It looked like Scars child vomited on my plate after her fed her grass again, but it was really good. The salad was superb, and the corn was amazing as usual.

I think this is going to turn into a recipe sharing area. Ninjas Eat? Help me with a name.

WD

Sergeant Sludge

2010-08-02T23:18:00.000-07:00

This is a movie we made years ago. Early 2006. It was a total tribute to the Toxic Avenger and Troma in general. This one was never finished and if you notice only two people from "Of Dice and Men" were in this one. I was also a lot skinnier back then...

This is also only 6 minutes so give it a watch. I imagine most people gave up on the other movie I posted long before the rape scene, but this goes by pretty quick and is interesting enough in my opinion.

I made a commercial.

2010-08-02T19:05:00.001-07:00

Did a commercial for our friends over at www.karatemart.com. They needed an authentic ninja such as myself, so I was happy to oblige.

I love WMAC Masters

2010-07-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

Well, WMAC Masters, the ENTIRE SERIES, is up on http://www.4kidstv.com/wmac-masters

I *love* this show. Seriously.

Watching it again, it holds up really well, but is also horrible. HORRIBLY AWESOME. On the rad/sucks scale, it's rad, for sure.

So yeah, I'm going to start reviewing episodes. You can watch every episode online and follow along with me.

Headninja Tromataker

The New Phantom Movie Sucks

2010-06-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

The Phantom (2010)

To sum up this movie, it's a symphony of stupid. From almost the opening scene to the end, the movie just scoffs at intelligence. There are going to be some spoilers ahead, so if you care about the integrity of a SyFy movie, you might want to stop reading.

Lets get the good things out of the way before I begin to just insult every single thing about this movie that they made for SyFy. The acting isn't that bad, and for the most part, the camera work is good.

Now comes the shit that just destroys every positive thing there could be about this movie.

-A very poor car chase. Nothing positive about this, because it just flashes between a woman and her kid, named Kit, being chased by some dudes in another vehicle. Then the bad guys start shooting at them with automatic weapons and manage to hit nobody, but then the mom drives the car into a river. At which time, the bad guys use a cell phone to declare that they are dead.to whoever their boss is.

-An evil Cable company. Seriously. An evil cable company that has mind control technology. FUCK. YOU.

-Parkour. This is the worst thing to hit movies. It looks silly, and it's fucking stupid. I can understand people who like to DO it, but if you enjoy watching it, you're a moron and I hope you get sterilized before your mouth breathing mongoloid children join the world's population.

-Oh I'm sorry, they aren't an evil cable company, they're an evil Hindu terrorist group consisting of some Indian dude, and a bunch of white people who seem like they think that he is going to rape them.

-So when the police arrest you for misdemeanors (and going as far as arresting you for crimes without any evidence or indication of the crime even happening), they enter your DNA into a computer system. I know that this is bullshit, because I got arrested for an actual crime and they didn't check my DNA. BECAUSE THAT ISN'T LEGAL.

-But it gets worse. Not only did they check his DNA illegaly, but apparently people just sit around monitoring DNA checks and then compare them to the DNA of a guy that has been dead for 20 years to see if they're related. This wasn't even the Evil Cable Company doing this retarded shit, this was the Good Guy secret organization.

-Ah, but the bad guys know the same information and sent ASSASSINS!!!!!! OH SHIT, THESE ASSASSINS KNOW PARKOUR. THIS SHIT JUST GOT EXTREEEEEEEEEEEEEME.

-Again, Parkour is fucking stupid. Just fucking stupid.

-OH. A suit that gets signals from your brain (without being connected to your brain in any way) that becomes invincible when you think about it. It also gives super strength through the magic power of imaginary science.

-Ah the old I rechamber my .45s to shoot bigger bullets even though I never use guns to kill trick.

-Oh! Now I understand. The bad guys want to keep the Middle East unstable because they are EEEEEVIIIIIIL.

-MORE PARKOUR.

And that was The Phantom.

TheDenizen's TV Movie of the Century

2010-06-21T15:38:00.000-07:00

Howdy, ninja gang...I'm back from my vision quest in the desert.

I've been caught in the swirling undertow of the time sink that is Read Dead Redemption for the last several weeks (too soon to declare GOTY?), but I've finally finished that up and gotten back into the swing of watching the crappiest movies I can find. I've got a backlog of shit to watch that would stagger a proctologist, so I soldier on.

One of the unexpected joys of mining the depths of lesser known world cinema is the occasional unearthing of an absolute gem. I recently watched the 1984 British made-for-TV nuclear holocaust film Threads, and not only was it the best film I've seen in ages, it gets my nod as the best TV movie I've ever encountered. I thought it would be a bit of a laugh, but I was dead wrong.

There are a couple of types of post-holocaust film: the predominant Mad Max action type, with outlaws and raiders racing around the wasteland and blowing each other up over resources, and the rarer scaremongering type which try to frighten people with dramatizations of how horrible the aftermath of nuclear war would truly be. Probably the best known American example of the latter is "The Day After", another TV movie from the same Cold War era as Threads. However, The Day After was full of melodrama and Hollywood heroics, and painted a cheesily unrealistic picture. The blunt realism of Threads is shocking in comparison.

Threads focuses on two working class families in Sheffield, England, which is the country's fourth largest city and one of the main centers of industry. The film slowly builds up the characters of Ruth and Jimmy, a young couple expecting a child, as well as their parents and siblings. In the beginning, there are news reports of tensions in the Middle East that everyone ignores. But as Jimmy and Ruth find an apartment and begin building their lives together, the tensions suddenly escalate into a very real threat of war between America and the USSR.

As panic gradually builds, people begin hoarding food and building bomb shelters according to government issued instructions. Contingency plans are put into motion, but suddenly 200 megatons falls on England and fucks up everything. Millions are killed in the initial blasts, and the survivors quickly discover that their shelters are woefully inadequate. Weakened by radiation sickness, hunger and disease, many millions more don't survive the first weeks. The film then continues on to tell the story of some of the few people remaining in England over the course of the next 13 years, struggling to cope with the reality of a world where everything left is irradiated.

The brilliance of Threads is twofold. One, it is disturbingly realistic looking. The filmmakers employed the expert knowledge of many scientists and nuclear theorists in writing the script, and filmed in a documentary style. The direction is flat, there is a monotone voiceover filling in necessary details, and almost no music to speak of. It feels real. Two, it doesn't flinch away from the horrific truth of the effects of nuclear explosions and fallout at all. Burning corpses, dead children, desperate and violent looters, radiation burns and projectile vomiting, completely ineffective government measures, mutations, it's all here. The only thing that Threads shies away from is cannibalism, which is never mentioned...although we do see survivors reduced to eating rats and raw animal carcasses.

Even without the cannibalism, Threads is relentlessly bleak and joyless, grisly horror piled upon horror, and the ending ruthlessly snatches away the one tiny shred of hope that exists. Threads aired on British TV in an era when most people only had 4 TV channels...millions of people saw this and it must've scared the bejesus out of Thatcher's England. It scared the bejesus out of me. And I loved it.

I do enjoy a good downer movie, and Threads is the granddaddy downer. It forces you to recognize the futility of trying to think or plan what you would do in the same situation. There's nothing you could do and there's nothing the survivors can do except keep going. Everyone should see this, especially horror buffs...it really is frightening. Powerful and affecting, seek Threads out and watch it.

Until next time...

Things are looking up for Mad Magazine

2010-06-20T14:42:00.001-07:00

Mad Magazine switched to a quarterly format last year, which immediately started rumors that the magazine was on its last legs. They canceled Mad Classics and Mad Kids on top of all of this, so they were significantly cutting back, and four times a year just wasn't enough for Mad fans.

Well, some good news just hit. Mad is now going to be BIMONTHLY, giving everybody two more issues a year. While this is a sign of good fortune coming Mad's way, that's not even the huge news.

Mad Magazine is getting its own animated series on the Cartoon Network.

More details on the deal are going to be published in the next issue of Mad which hits stands August 15th.

I would LIKE to make a movie as well...

2010-06-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

I am jealous of my fellow Kidnappers having such ready access to willing co-stars and camera-people...and pro-style movie cameras (I have a cheap non-HD vid-cam and a point-and-shoot non-HD with rounded anamorphic lens, neither of which are conducive to good even-amateur on-the-spot movies).

Unfortunately, I am not one of those people who inspires rousing loyalty from my friends and acquaintances, so I'm SOL.
:(

(I DO have some experience, having had camera-work experience thanks to my Freshman year--my only year, by the way--at Allegheny College, and having done more than a little of the principal photography, as well as having a nice little bit part, in the DEE fan film "Final Fantasy v. Kaiju Big Battel"...which is officially endorsed by KBB's own Dr. Cube!)

Anyone here in the New York City area need a dependable cameraperson/writer/actor? I'm available...

I Also Made a Movie...

2010-06-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

(Tagline) "Tonight there is going to be a murder" says Dr. Marlowe in the opening scene of Christyanity Studios debut picture. This sets a precedent for what is to come; bone-chilling horror, mind-blowing terror, and heart breaking tragedy. Only one man can stop the madness, and his name is Gumshoe.

(Plot) Dr. Marlowe and his cronies take to the streets of Clearfield in the name of murder; Detective Gumshoe takes to the streets in the name of justice. Which side will prevail in this classic tale of good versus evil? Why don't you roll the dice and find out...this one is a crap shoot.

It was called "Of Dice and Men". We filmed it over a year ago, and while it's pretty shitty there are a lot of scenes I'm very proud of like the head smash and the rape.

In case you are wondering I'm "Dr. Marlowe" or aka the dude in the black hate and 2 sizes too small coat. All of the music was done on a Casio from 1988..the ending credits song is by my band "Beforehead" which is just fantastic work. It was filmed on my buddy's cousin's handheld camera.

This is a monster at 40 minutes with 4 10 minute parts.

HOPE YOU ENJOY

So, I Made A Movie And Stuff.

2010-06-03T09:31:00.000-07:00

Machinery Making Modern Music (in association with a group a couple of my friends made, GIHAGI Studios, and the MV94 News team) made a movie. A freaking movie, dude. Well, a short film...that honestly isn't awesome as I'd hoped, but still. Freaking wewt.

It's called "Espuniage: Aldo Giovanni vs Chuck and Taylor". We were assigned to do a video about some new security measures that the school instituted. Pretty lame pitch, honestly, but nonetheless, we got to work. What came out was a hilariously bad 1940s crime drama mixed with an 80s B cop movie, with 2000s stupidity and sensibilities. It's supposed to be a campy spy vs spy kinda deal, and was mainly inspired by the Homestar Runner cartoon Dangeresque. I wrote, directed, and edited this, with rewrites and other type things coming from my class colleagues. Even though they helped, this was pretty much my baby, and I think the people in my group would probably concur with that. It was also made on a shoestring budget on 3 different cameras, all of which weren't that awesome. If we had filmed the whole thing on one of the cameras, it wouldve been in widescreen but, alas, quality is not our friend. Also, I had to edit part of it in Windows Movie Maker, which honestly makes me gag. Oh well, I have new editing software now, rock.

Here it is...

Let me know what you think. Comments, critiques, etc. are very welcome.

- FishHook

Trash and Treasure: Gaming on a Budget RETURNS! Featuring Brutal Legend!

2010-05-28T11:57:00.000-07:00

Hello, kidnappers and kidnapees, and welcome to the return of Trash and Treasure: Gaming on a Budget! I am your long-time absentee host, FishHook. I truly do apologize for the lack of writing for this column, but I honestly stopped buying games for awhile, or at least games that would fit into this budget gamer category. Also, I've been doing some rad stuff for preparation for college and getting something of a "production company" together called Machinery Making Modern Music Productions (or 4M for short), which will be the banner I will post any of my future projects under. I had a blogpost about that earlier though, so I won't waste time talking about it here. I'll just get right into the rating scale explanation!

I use a simple scale that will take into account not only the quality of the game with the standard measures of Gameplay, Graphics, Sound, and Replay Value, but also the fifth value of Affordability, how well the game stacks up at its current price point. The final rating of a game is not an average of these individual ratings, but a subjective rating that falls within one of three categories. The categories are as follows...

Pawn Shop Paraphernalia (The Low End)
- These are games that are either simply horrendous games that aren't worth any amount of currency no matter what or games that are hideously overpriced for their value. As the budget gamer, these are titles to avoid.

Decent Value Deal (Middle Of The Road)
- These are either merely OK games at a great value or great games at a value that may not be affordable to the budget gamer. These are games that the budget gamer should consider, but they aren't completely must-buy titles.

Tremendous Gaming Treasure (The High End)
- These are great games at great values. Tons of fun to be had at a low price point, these are the budget gamer's Nirvana and should be picked up at any cost. Even the gamer with a ton of expendable income should look into these high-class titles.

Now then, let’s move things along to our next review, Double Fine Productions’ latest work, the action RTS Brutal Legend!

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The boys at Double Fine Productions have created another underappreciated work of gaming art. After 2006’s phenomenal Psychonauts (which, if you’re wondering, is totally a Tremendous Gaming Treasure), Tim Schafer’s company began work on something very near and dear to Schafer’s heart: metal! The end result is a very unique action/RTS game that will give you neck cramps from the amount of headbanging you’ll be doing.

In Brutal Legend, you play as Eddie Riggs, rock and roll roadie caught in the wrong generation of pop rock. After some idiocy from the band that leads to the set falling on Eddie and trailing blood on supposedly magical belt buckle, the set comes to life, rips the band apart, and sends Eddie into a world made of heavy metal album cover motifs: car parts growing from the ground like flowers, grandiose pillars of amps, and guitars that fire lightning and literally melt faces. In this mystic world, the roadie is a commander of battle, the organizer of combat. Eddie finds his calling with Stonehenge, a rebellious human group fighting against devilish creatures and glam-head humans that sold out to the dark overlords. In fighting for the Stonehenge resistance, you’ll guide Riggs through a twisting story based in (of all things) love, loyalty, and vengeance. The story, while not seemingly as good as some of Schafer’s other works, is still very funny and engrossing and the characters really come to life.

Speaking of engrossing, Brutal Legend’s free roaming world is an absolute wonder to play around in. Animals freely roam through the country-side (and by animals, I mean boars with chrome wheels and flaming tailpipes and hedgehogs with steel quills), majestic mountains with rock gods carved into the face, garages that go straight into the depths of hell, and headbangers moshing around abandoned sets, just waiting for the next show. The world is beautifully crafted. It may not be the most technically wondrous as far as graphics goes, but it’s one of the best when it comes to style and feel. The characters are creative and ooze metal motifs and enemies really feel like enemies of metal, and when you actually take control of Eddie, you’ll quickly find death is indeed their reward.

The gameplay is very different from what people expected from Brutal Legend…and I’m failing to see why that’s a bad thing. People just expected God of War with a guitar and the game was actually bashed in reviews for having RTS elements. I just don’t understand it. The ‘Stage Battles’ as they’re called are an absolute blast to play. Setting up your stage, assaulting fan geysers with merchandise to take control of them to gather more troops for your metal crusade, they’re all done incredibly intuitively through the in-game mechanics. You never feel like you’re never in control of your legions, as the complexities of RTS gameplay have been simplified to 4 main controls: hold position, defend, attack, and follow the leader. It works well despite its simplicity. The only problem, in my opinion, with the game is what you get to do in between the Stage Battles. While these battles of the bands are extremely fulfilling, you don’t get much in the side-missions. Race the same guy in your bad-ass street rod; defend a position with a mounted machine gun; blow some shit up, wash, rinse, repeat. Don’t get me wrong, the action sections are fun, it’s hard to feel unfulfilled when you’re slicing Poision-style glam rockers in half with an ax while powersliding into dozens of unruly minions and blowing them up with the sheer force of your rock, but it’s simply repetitive. Another problem with the gameplay is the difficulty. It’s nearly non-existent throughout most of the game, but as soon as you get to the last couple of Stage Battles, it gets unbelievably hard. That gap in difficulty is off-putting, and led me to some very frustrating moments where I wanted to smash my 360 controller like a Les Paul.

The thing that kept me from doing so was the incredible sound design. The soundtrack is a perfect set piece to the game, with legendary riffs and powerful drums creating the perfect atmosphere. Music is integral to every mission, with the metal setting the mood for every single one of your exploits. The music is also an awesome distraction: if you get frustrated with those last few Stage Battles like I did, just hop in the Druid Plow and listen to "The Mob Rules" while smashing into everything in your path for a little while. I guarantee it will keep you playing. The voice acting is top-notch as well. Stars like Jack Black, Lita Ford, Rob Halford and Lemmy Kilmeister lend surprising depth to their characters. Topping the charts in voice acting is Ozzy Osbourne's depiction of the demonic master of the Metal Forge where you buy upgrades; the Prince of Darkness never fails to force a smile upon your face. And while enemies and allies have repetitive voice samples (you'll hear Headbangers say "We're on patrol!" more times than you'd ever want to hear), nothing every feels annoying or takes you out of the universe the game creates.

In terms of replayability, Brutal Legend offers one major victory: online Stage Battles! These are incredibly fun and keep the good times rolling for quite awhile in this game. There's little incentive to play through the single player mode again though, all you really get is a harder difficulty level. And, of course, it is an Xbox 360 game, so you will get some replayability if you are an achievements whore. Other than that though, the game struggles to recapture your attention if you aren't Live-enabled.

So how does this package come presented to the budget gamer? Despite a much heavier advertising campaign than Double Fine's last work, the backing of Electronic Arts, and a superstar voice acting crew, Brutal Legend still didn't sell that well. While this is disappointing for the industry, it's great news for the budget gamer, as you can pick up the game for a mere $20 new, and around the $17 range used. That is an incredible deal for the amount of enjoyment you'll get out of this game.

So, where does it fall in the ratings scale? If you've been reading, it's pretty obvious that I view this as a Tremendous Gaming Treasure. The game simply exudes charisma and charm from the second the opening video with Jack Black walking into a record store and finding the mysterious Brutal Legend record that leads you into the main menu. It's simply a creative masterpiece, and while the side-missions can be repetitve, the difficulty is out of whack and the lack of replayability if you're not an online gamer is concerning, it's all worth it to come to this mystical world of rock and roll.

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That'll do it for me this time. Tune in next time for more of the trash and treasure from the bottom of the bargain bin barrel!

- FishHook

Teh Wrasslin Newzwire

2010-05-27T02:31:00.000-07:00

Or, holy crap OR actually posted here.

For you ZOMGers (because, lets face it, nobody outside of ZOMG and FPC are ever going to read this blog) who don't know, I'm doing a kinda-comical mostly-psuedo wrestling news blog now.

In an unrelated matter, Deadliest Warrior is awesome. If you disagree, let me ask you this: What other show features a dude literally disemboweling a pig carcass with katars?

Exactly.

Go watch the movie Lo right now.

2010-05-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

So last night all my friends had gotten off of Modern Warfare 2 and I didn't feel like playing all alone. So I turned off the game and opened up the Olde Tyme Netflix Instant Queue. I've got tons of stuff in there, some of it I'm really never going to watch but I don't want to remove because "Hey, you never know." I've had this little movie named Lo in there for a while now. I put it in there because it has a cool looking picture and it's about a dude summoning a demon (I pretty much adore Satanic Ritual movies).

So I slap on the movie and it starts off good. By good I mean that they used a decent camera. I absolutely HATE a movie that looks like a home movie or looks like it was filmed as a soap opera. In fact I tried a different movie before Lo, but it had such awful film quality, I turned it off in less than 5 minutes (that movie was called Pusher by the way. I proceeded to remove it and its two sequels from my queue).

It jumps right into the demon summoning. The guy summons a demon named Lo because he wants the demon to find his girlfriend who was kidnapped by a demon. Lo responds with a simple question "Where the fuck am I?"

The movie is basically the interactions between Lo and Justin. Their conversation is where most of the exposition comes from. The dialogue is good so it doesn't sound like the end of a Scooby Doo cartoon while they're explaining motives and all that. Also helping this are the actors who do an excellent job at everything that they're trying to do.

Lo does something that I haven't seen in a movie (and to tell the truth I don't watch many independent movies because most of them look like dog shit). The entire movie takes place in a single room. While this sounds like a handicap, it isn't, and it works around this in a creative way. I don't want to spoil it but it is just so different from what I usually watch that it was quite refreshing.

So with all that verbal fellatio I just heaped onto this movie, you should go watch it immediately. Rent it, buy it (probably not very expensive on Amazon but I don't feel like looking).

Also there is a documentary series on youtube from the creator that is pretty cool as well. There's also the official trailer on there (which I'm gonna post a link to just below this line).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhFsK7e8wUo

Friday the 13th Part 2 "Review"

2010-05-12T17:59:00.000-07:00

First things first - I never realized they killed Crazy Ralph this early in the series. I swear he is warning those kids before getting on the cruise in Jason Goes to Manhattan. But yeah, I did remember the death scene, but I never noticed he was strangled with barbed wire. EC-DUB! EC-DUB!

On to some actual reviewing...I think this is a lot better than Friday the 13th 1. As a kid I never thought much of this sequel cause Jason didn't have his hockey mask yet, but as an "adult" I really enjoyed the pacing of this one, especially the chase/showdown at the end. The scene where the lead girl puts on Pamela's sweater is really good stuff.

Jason is totally human in almost to a fault. For instance, he breaks a chair while standing on it and falls down like a goon. Then he cowers like a little bitch when confronted with a chainsaw (though it isn't really fair. He wasn't using machinery. Keep it clean)

The skinny dipping scene is a good stuff even now. From the first scene with that girl you knew you wanted to see those tight shorts displaced in favor of nudity, and you get a good bit of it. And, while we're on the subject of that chick, I liked the fake-out through the movie of her dog being dead. Muffin showing up in the end and Jason jumping through the window is classic.

The only big flaw of this movie is that nerdy guy surviving. I couldn't remember if he was killed or not when I popped this in, and the whole movie I'm just waiting to see that idiot get slaughtered. I was less than pleased with his shenanigans throughout. Hopefully that character crashed on the way back from the bar.

Part 3 has been my favorite for years so I hope to put it under the microscope soon. This weekend I'm going to watch some shit like Legion, Pandorum, and probably obscure stuff on Netflix. I may post "reviews" for all of those before I get to Part 3 (which could be a bit cause of Red Dead Redemption among other things).

Friday the 13th Part 1 Review

2010-05-09T11:30:00.000-07:00

The film starts with camp songs inside of a cabin followed by two young people getting murdered by a mystery assailant after fooling around. To me this is a great way to start a franchise here. You basically get promised sex and death within the first five minutes. Anyways, since that scene takes place only a year after Jason is dead is should be obvious for anyone watching this for the first time that it isn't going to be Jason doing the killing. I watched this with someone who had never seen it before, and it didn't dawn on him until Pamela Voorhees showed up that "oh yeah, his mother is the killer in this one".

After that first scene we are following a young girl who we think is going to be the lead, but within 10 minutes her throat is slit in the woods. All she did was hitchhike. I just touch on this slightly: horror movie rules. Yeah, it was cool and funny when Wes Craven did it in Scream, but every jackass who watches a horror movie spouts these "rules" off as gospel. As if they are smarter than the material.

Well fuck you. These "rules" were a joke in Scream making fun of cliches. Most of the Friday the 13th movies don't even follow these rules. For instance, the fat kid in Part 3 gets murdered for no reason as does the girl near the lake. In fact, Alice Hardy drinks alcohol in this movie and doesn't die (she does get killed in the second movie, but that is irrelevant). I never want to hear anybody say these "rules" out loud again. You're not funny and you have ruined the joke in Scream.

Back to the movie. I feel that Steve Christy, the guy who is re-opening the camp, was creepy in his few scenes. There was almost an undertone of him being a pervert, but it is never rightly explored. I think had he raped someone or been peeping it would have added another dynamic, almost another villain, to this movie. Perhaps he could have been killed while peeping, or been a plot device as the suspected killer? They planted those seeds by having him drive the same looking jeep as Mrs. Voorhees and such, but again I feel they either dropped the plot line or didn't even realize it.

Ralph in this movie is incredible. If you're seeing this for the first time he could easily be suspected as the killer, especially after he pops out of the closet. That scene is actually quite hilarious looking back. He's says all this ominous stuff, and then rides a bicycle with a little basket on the front of it in to the woods.

Speaking of hilarious, watching this again that cop on the motorcycle is really funny. The motorcycle sound effect they used was way too loud for a bike just moving two feet down the road at 2 miles an hour, and add that with the actor almost losing control of it and I thought it was as goofy as Ralph. I can't tell if this was intentional or not because of the way Kevin Bacon and the other kids mess with the cop, but I'll just pretend it wasn't and enjoy it.

One more thing: since I was a kid I always though Pamela gave Alice the bird after getting her head chopped off. If you had asked me before I watched this again I would have swore to god that it played out like that...perhaps I was watching a different cut on the movie as a kid? I know some uncut version is out on DVD and Blu-Ray, but I don't think that was the version I watched on VHS as a kid. The version I watched yesterday was from the boxet. If anyone has any information about that I'd like to know.

So anyway, yeah. This isn't much of a review but more of a collection of misc thoughts I had while watching the movie. I like this style a little better than a full on review, because a lot of re-hashing of plot details and fluff aren't interesting to read for a 30 year old movie.

Now I'm off to re-watch Part 2.

LUCHA LIBRE ON MTV2

2010-05-07T21:44:00.000-07:00

Well, MTV2 is trying to broaden its horizons by adding some more sports stuff to their network, and they chose lucha libre.

Which is apparently filming somewhere in Vegas over Memorial Day weekend.

Allow me to over-analyze the situation.

Now, I love lucha and I fucking can't wait for this show. A bunch of people probably feel exactly the opposite because they're afraid it'll become WS-Mex or something, but man, I loved WSX. Now, I've loved a lot of things MTV did that got canceled pretty quickly, so I have to say my optimism has been pretty clouded by a big fat dose of history.

How do I think the show is going to be? Well, I think it's going to be pretty heavy on comedy, but comedy has always been a pretty big part of lucha, and it's also going to be pretty heavy on holy-shit highspots. I really don't think we will see any of the overlooked technical aspects of lucha libre, aka "Wacky Mexican Submissions" which I fucking love in lucha...but you'd have to educate an audience on why they're awesome and man, that's fucking hard. I don't think I've done that in any of my Lucha Libre for Gringos vids yet, because the majority of my stuff is AAA and they kind of stay away from that stuff for the most part as well. You see plenty of that in CMLL and IWRG though.

How would I run the promotion if I was doing it?

MIDGETS OUT THE ASS DUDE. I'd have Mascarita Dorada and build the whole fucking show around him, or at least a VERY significant portion. The guy makes fans wherever he goes, and if I truly feel that ONE luchador could be a breakout, crossover star that could be popular in the US(I'm not talking about being in some telenovelas and Dancing with the Stars or some shit), it's him.

HIRE CASSANDRO. USE HIM ALL THE TIME. Nuff said, really.

FUCKING CRAZY GIMMICKS. Shit like the Psycho Circus and Soccer Goats and Monsther and Chucky need to be on every show. I'm not saying every guy needs to have that over the top of a gimmick, but you need something that will draw people in while flipping around the channels- because if regular lucha was already doing that, people would just be watching it on the Spanish channel instead.

LUCHADORAS- Hey, why not?

THE ESTELLAR MOMENTS REELS- Highlights of dives and crazy moves from around the lucha world. This is always a highlight to see on Mexican TV, and MTV needs to steal the fuck out of this.

SUBTITLED INTERVIEWS- Don't do a MXC on this shit and don't try to force everyone to speak English, and don't get a bunch of non-luchadores on the show. Make it ALL LUCHA, ALL THE TIME. If I wanted to see a bunch of Americans wrestle I'd just watch AAA.

BURN.

HAVE A BUNCH OF SIX MAN TAGS- Seriously, these are important in lucha, but I have a feeling they're going to go one-on-one with this shit for some reason. Just a gut feeling, I guess. Explain the wacky lucha rules to the fans. I can do it on a fucking youtube video, so they can do it on a TV show.

I hope it's not a half hour long, too. Yet, I feel it will be.

I really hope this is something that not only is something different on TV, but changes the way that wrestling matches are presented, because right now you have WWE being WWE, and TNA trying to be WWE, and AAA trying to be WWE, and CMLL waaaaay off in the distance when it comes to production values. Speaking of which, do that instant replay where you can see the guys' skeletons. That was the shit.

TheDenizen talks boobs and bars

2010-05-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

Alright kids, time for some more trash cinema.

TheDenizen is back and I've got celluoid cells on the agenda. Jail cells, that is.

A prison makes a great setting for a movie. Two opposing uniformed gangs (prisoners and guards) have to coexist in a tightly controlled, institutionalized environment. Dramatic tension is always high and the potential for violence is ever present. Not to mention the fact that filming in concrete rooms and plain grey hallways can be done pretty fucking cheap. Make it a women's prison and cast a bunch of babes and you've got yourself box office gold. Today I'm going to discuss a selection of Women In Prison films.

WIP movies go back to the 40's and 50's, but the films from that era were generally chaste morailty plays designed to scare young women away from a life of crime. It wasn't until Spanish sleaze merchant Jess Franco came along in 1969 with his shocker 99 Women that WIP films became about exploitation, reveling in lurid displays of flesh and sexual sadism. 99 Women was a hit, and established the formula that the vast majority of subsequent WIP movies adhered to.

A wide eyed, naive young woman is brought to a prison to begin serving her sentence (she's sometimes guilty of a crime of passion but usually completely innocent). She's introduced to the sadistic warden, is forced into a shower and given a revealing prison uniform, and then mixed in with the general population. She encounters tough lesbians, gains the respect of other prisoners by winning some catfights, endures torture or rape at the hands of the warden and ultimately leads a jailbreak attempt. The escape often fails with the prisoners being killed or returned to their cells.

It seems like kind of a downer, but dozens of profitable films have been made using pretty much that exact outline. Of course, the appeal lies not in the riveting storytelling, but in the pervasive nudity and the BDSM fantasy of the (usually fairly tame) torture sequences. It's not everyone's cup of tea to be sure, but if you can enjoy this type of thing, there are some great flicks out there to be seen. Anyways, enough rambling, here's some quick reviews.

99 Women - the first, but not really the best. I already mostly described this one, so let me mention this: As with many European WIP movies, 99 Women exists in both R and X rated versions. The X rated stuff is most often (as in this case) cheap looking hardcore insert shots filmed by someone else, making no effort to match the sets or the actors to the people in the real movie. Be preapred for that if you plan to delve into the X rated or Unrated cuts of WIP flicks.

Female Prisoner 701: Scorpion - Meiko Kaji plays Sasori, a woman falsely imprisoned after being betrayed and framed by a former lover and his gang. Sasori is not just tough, she's incredibly bright and determined, and after enduring the standard WIP trials (including a very sexy lesbian scene with an undercover cop posing as a fellow prisoner), Sasori actually escapes the prison and exacts bloody revenge on all the men who put her there. A classic that spawned three sequels.

The Big Dollhouse - Mmmm, Pam Grier. A bunch of other hot chicks, too, but mmmm...Pammy. Also Sid Haig. This one was directed by Jack Hill, who made a handful of blaxploitation films with Grier. An all female prison in the Phillipines somehow has mostly hot American girls as prisoners, who get into the usual trouble and catfights. One of the best produced WIP films.

Virgins from Hell - super campy stuff from Thailand, about an all girl motorcycle gang who commit violent robberies to fund an assault on a criminal compound. The plot is ridiculous and convoluted, but basically these chicks fail utterly and get captured by the criminals, who keep them locked up in an underground cave to test their aphrodesiac drugs on (seriously). Thai film laws forbid nudity, so part of the appeal of this one is how retarded it is seeing two chicks in evening gowns having a catfight in a tub, or lesbian sex scenes that consist of fully clothed soft kissing and sultry looks. Hilarious crap, and full of crazy action and stunts.

Lost Souls - this variation on the WIP theme involves a large group of illegal immigrants from mainland China who are captured for ransom by a sadistic gang outside of Hong Kong. The prisoners, men and women alike, are stripped naked and kept in a filthy barn and are subjected to all manner of abuse. Some are tortured, some are raped and they all end up dead or deported. This was actually quite grim and unpleasant; genuinely sadistic instead of camp-sadistic and none of the nudity was titillating at all. This flick is hard to recommend, and it's probably one of the strangest things ever produced by Shaw Brothers, much better known for their kung fu epics.

Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS - The prison this time is actually a WWII concentration camp, run by a female S&M Nazi with huge boobs. All the prisoners are Jewish, but thankfully the film veers away from any overt racism, merely fetishizing the Nazi trappings. Lots of sex in this one, even the torture scenes have a slant of kink to them, like one with an electrified dildo. This flick is notorious for good reason and well worth a look.

There are many other examples of the type, like the three Ilsa squels (Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, Wicked Warden, and Tigress of Siberia), Barbed Wire Dolls, Escape from Hell, Women in Cages, Bare Behind Bars, Caged Heat, The Big Bird Cage, etc. etc. Sadly, as the exploitation grindhouses of the 70's gave way to the VCR boom of the 80's, the demand for this type of fare nosedived as a glut of hardcore porn became available to watch in the comfort of your own home. WIP movies have pretty much remained the exclusive domain of porno (and direct to video crap) ever since.

Perhaps with Rodriguez and Tarantino's recent renewal of the exploitation cycles, we may see a proper WIP movie in the theaters again in the near future. The closest thing we've had in years has been Black Snake Moan, with half naked Christina Ricci in chains for most of the running time.

More of that shit, please.

I also saw Nightmare on Elmstreet

2010-05-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

Since I'm the head ninja, which either means I'm the boss or I give everyone head or both, I can't stand by and have an Elm Street debate on my site without commenting, but the comment section is for Chinese spammers only, so I figured I'd do a post instead.

Let me set a bit of a scene for you guys.

Imagine being six years old. I know, some of you might be that are reading this. Shit fuck dick diarrhea. Still, imagine DVDs not existing, and magical little plastic devices called VIDEOTAPES just starting to get noticed.

Man, I feel so fucking old right now you guys.

Anyway, some of you might be too young, legit, all joking aside, to remember the big VHS boom. VCRs finally became popular- and video rental places were the shit, son. It isn't like Blockbuster now, which is to say video stores back then didn't suck like ten kinds of fat cocks. Video stores would put a HUGE variety of shit out because video was so hot that no matter what you had, someone would probably rent it. The place I went, Video Valley in Chatsworth, CA, had SO MUCH SHIT DUDE. They had these big fucking scary video boxes with the horror movies on them and they even had shit in BETA.

So anyway, Nightmare on Elm Street was there and we rented it and I loved it and I was six and my parents were cool and fuck commas and where was I going with this?

Uhhhhh...yeah so I was six, and a Freddy fan. By the time I was seven, it was time for Halloween, and I was FREDDY and I didn't have the shitty licensed Freddy mask that they were selling at the stores, I had this fucking crazy ass one that I bought at a magic shop that I think they made themselves, because I haven't seen ONE since. I'll post a pic sometime.

I had my hat, my glove, my sweater, and my fucking badass mask, and noticed something.

EVERY FUCKING KID WAS DRESSED AS FREDDY.

But talking to them about it, man, these fucks were normal kids whose parents didn't let them watch R rated movies and just heard about them from older kids and shit.

FUCKING POSERS

Anyway, saw the new flick. It wasn't bad, but Freddy as melty Voldemort wasn't a great look, but he had a creepy smile that was pretty awesome. I thought it was passable. I mean, it wasn't as good as the first one, or Dream Warriors which was one of my favorite movies growing up, but it was the fuck of a lot better than the shittier sequels like Dream Child or Freddy's Dead.

Fuck Dream Child.

So yeah, I'm a lifelong Elmstreet fan and didn't fucking hate the remake, but the remakes for Halloween and Friday the 13th can SUCK MY BALLS.

Thanks Head Ninja

2010-05-06T16:13:00.000-07:00

I now have better fine art hanging in my dining area:

I do plan on getting this framed, just not soon. I also need to cut the white off.

So my girlfriend works at a copy shop...

2010-05-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

Until August, and recently we've been making these badass posters and just hanging them around town. However I kept one! ELI MANNING DRUNK!

So I want more images, they must be high quality so they don't look shitty, to hang in my home or around town.

A picture says a thousand words.

2010-05-05T07:06:00.000-07:00

This one says three. "Fuck yeah, motherfucker."

We've been approved as 80stees.com affiliates.

TheDenizen reviews Nightmare on Elm Street

2010-05-04T19:16:00.000-07:00

Hey what the hell, jzbadblood mentions the movie I just saw tonight. So here's my take on the Freddy remake:

Jackie Earle Haley is pretty good as the creepy-as-fuck pedo Freddy, and there's a couple of cool visual concepts and novel kills...but it's not scary at all, and it's not funny at all....it's just kinda there, and it's boring watching the two protagonists slowly and painfully piecing together Freddy's backstory since pretty much everyone in the theater already knew what the story was. Too many weak jump-scares, not enough Freddy cracking jokes.

It was a decent enough movie I guess, just kinda unnecessary.

And jz also posed the question 'why do we like horror movies'? Well, I can only speak for myself, but it's totally about the blood-lust.

Coming Soon from jzbadblood

2010-05-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

Last week "A Nightmare on Elm Street" came out to harsh criticism from across the board. Professional critics like Roger Ebert panned the film:

" The movie consists of a series of teenagers who are introduced, haunted by nightmares and then slashed to death by Freddy. So what? Are we supposed to be scared?"

Fans of the series hated the movie before it even came out. It is a remake after all, and no matter what haters will be hating. Me, personally, I enjoyed it a lot. I try to go in to every movie without any bias or pre-conventions. Of course that's impossible, but the point is I make an effort, and with "A Nightmare on Elm Street" I wasn't really able to do that. I am ashamed to admit that. As a fan of the series I had very low expectations, and thus I liked the movie a lot. Perhaps if I had went in level-headed I may have hated it? Who knows. That's the tricky thing about the brain; a lot depends on your mood.

Anyways, I'm rambling. The thinking about my mood and expectations and the Ebert quote got me to thinking about why I like horror movies.. It's not about being scared (although Halloween 1 still creeps me out alone at 3:am). It's not about blood-lust, because I tend to let flies out of the window instead of smashing them..

And then I came to a conclusion which kind of makes everything before this pointless: I don't know. I can humbly admit that. I don't know why I like horror movies, and that's fine with me. I accept that.

So now you're asking yourself: What's the point of all this? Well, let me explain. After wasting my time thinking about all this psychobabble I got a huge urge to watch all of the Friday the 13th movies so Friday night I bought the 3 pack of New Line movies, and today I received the F13 collection in the mail...

How does this effect this blog you ask? Well.....Starting some day near the weekend my "review/analysis" of Friday the 13th Part 1 will be up, and after that Part 2 will follow, and etc. etc. etc.

Until then I ask you to pray with me for a "Salute Your Shorts" DVD release

Reading assessments

2010-05-04T09:36:00.000-07:00

No names will be given due to some legality I have signed. However at the school I worked with, 1st graders, they took three reading assessments this year to judge growth. Students took one the first part of the year, another before christmas, and now one as the school year is ending.

My students showed TOO MUCH GROWTH. I asked the principal, is this not what you want? Her response was it was too high. So they retested all of first grade. Guess what, my students scored HIGHER. So now they think I have the test and shit. Like I am making my students read the test only, and they are memorizing each passage. So they retested Friday with completely new readings they bought, and....THEY SCORED HIGHER. Finally she admitted I was just a good teacher, and thanked me for preparing nineteen 7 year olds for second grade properly.

School administration is almost stupid.

SAVEUS.333

2010-05-03T17:40:00.000-07:00

THE SECRET CODE IS

Confirmation Code: GHDVCVX23428689

CAN YOU BREAK THE CODE?

Probably not it's for our advertisers to verify the site.

Carry on.

These are not the droids you're looking for.

Salute Your Shorts

2010-05-02T15:26:00.000-07:00

Well, JZBadblood made the above. You know why?

Salute Your Shorts is on iTunes. We're holding out HOPE for a DVD release, you see.

But yeah, I think I saw every episode of that 1000 times, because, well, they barely had any episodes. Love that shit though, because you know, I never went to camp as a kid, and them showing camp as something you suffer through instead of having fun made me feel a lot better about that, and man, you'd expect all the kids from that to be on more shit as adults today.

The thing that bothered me about the show is that Budnick was into the metal and shit, but whenever he mentioned cool bands he'd always throw Whitesnake in there. Come on, dude, nobody listens to Whitesnake. I guess I could let this go though.

The best episode was ZEKE THE PLUMBER, a great variation of the Cropsy urban legend that went around camps and also brought us the movie THE BURNING. I also learned giraffes have black tongues from Salute Your Shorts, and man they're totally right. Television is educational.

It didn't make sense that Ug was the councilor for both the girls and the boys so he was probably some kind of creepy pervert, or the female councilor was eaten by a bear or murdered by Zeke the Plumber. Either way, Ug probably has some statch charges.

In This Blog: FishHook Explains Absences and Advertises a Production Group on the Blog of Another Production Group

2010-05-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

Hello, Kidnappers and Kidnappees! I do apologize for the long absence from the KBN network, but I just haven't had anything to write about. I really haven't bought a ton of budget games recently (or any games, to be honest), but that has recently changed as my local video rental shop is holding a closing sale and I've gotten a ton of good and not so good stuff from there on a budget. So, until that dries up, I should have a semi-decent amount of material to write Trash and Treasure on. I've got three that I'm looking at right now in particular, the first one should be up in a manner of days, maybe a week.

Anyways, that's not why I'm here. I'm here because we have new sponsors and if I blog enough, HeadNinja will give me Highspots' money...OK, not really, but do visit our new sponsors Highspots.com so that KBN can make money and stay afloat. I'm actually here because I want to advertise my new Youtube page and "production company", Machinery Making Modern Music Productions. I realize it's a long title (which is why I usually shorten it to 4M when I discuss it), but anything that's a reference to Tenacious D when they reference Rush is certainly great success. For those out of the loop, watch the concert on Tenacious D's Complete Masterworks Volume 2, specifically the song The Metal. It's just a little comment Jack Black makes, but I think it's pretty hilarious.

The long and short of it is that as a future telecommunications major in college, I'm very interested in the creation of media: television, radio, short film, etc. 4M will basically be the banner that I will post all of my various class projects and all of the other stuff I do under. The first of these are the videos from the class that inspired me to be a telecommunications major: the Mass Media class at my high school, which is basically a loosely organized class made pretty much just to produce the announcements you hear every morning at school over the PA, except we do them on closed circuit television over the school. Although that's our primary goal, we've also produced a couple of commericals for class projects and for other purposes, such as advertising sign-ups for the Mass Media class next year and various school plays and whatnot. These videos will be going up under the 4M banner on the Youtube page I created.

And now, I present to you...the MV94 News Team videos. There's only 3 thus far, and I'll post 2 of them here. First of all, there's the intro for the news show, which features the entire team and gratuitous use of STAN HANSEN THEME SONG (which I selected as our theme, conveniently forgetting to mention it was a pro wrestler's theme):

Secondly, there's the commerical/skit made to advertise signups for the Mass Media class. This one may not make sense to the masses, as there's a lot of inside jokes:

Well, that's basically it for now. If I have any more stuff, I'll let you guys know and show it off here. We're working on a short film about high school security, that'll probably be next to be posted. I'm very open to praise, criticism, suggestions, and anything else you'd like to add. Also, if you wish to subscribe, please do so at youtube.com/MachMakModMus (and trust me, there will be more than school projects on here eventually, so don't be offput by my first two offerings). By the by, that URL is VERY screwed up, as I needed to shorten Machinery Making Modern Music and I hadn't thought of the very simple "4M" shortening, so I shortened each individual word. "MachMakModMus" sounds like machs (like robots or something) making a modified moose. Which sounds...awesome, and may or may not be the logo.

- FishHook

Hola!

2010-05-02T12:02:00.000-07:00

So the past month has been wild for myself, and Mrs. Deli. We both finished up the last of our LEARNIN' and are both on the prowl for jobs. Money is short, time seems to be passing at a pace people from Kenya can't keep up with (cause they run). However a new chapter is opening. So I would like to publicly address some stuff.

1. When I die, cremate me. Then plant my ashes with a tree, and each year come tell me how big I have gotten.

2. To my unborn child(s), I hope you like stupid shit as much as I do. When we meet, I hope you don't call me a nerd and beat me up.

3. School lunches suck, and they always will suck.

I hope all ninjas are enjoying life. I hope to have something real to contribute to this blog soon. Unless you want to learn about my students fluency rates, and how my class scored too high on their final reading assessments then I have nothing to talk about.

WD

Fuck that adsense shit.

2010-05-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

No more google adsense. It wasn't doing anything, and man, I'd rather schill for advertisers I actually buy shit from.

For example-

---------------------------->

Too much good shit

2010-04-03T10:07:00.000-07:00

This year is going to be pretty nuts for video games, you guys.

Fucking check this shit out-

We get RED DEAD REDEMPTION. It looks amazing- pretty much what I just hope it has the fucking badass Spaghetti Western soundtrack the first game had, because it really enhanced the experience.

We get UFC 2010. Though KBN homey Biff told me that the PS3 version gets Dan Severn, Royce Gracie, and Jens Pulver and the 360 doesn't and that makes me sad. Dan Severn's majestic mustache must be experienced by all. Fuck bipartisan gaming. Notice I didn't say tripartisan, sorry Nintendo.

We also get FALLOUT NEW VEGAS. I loved Fallout 3, and man, moving it to a place I've actually been can only make me love it more. Plus, robots with TVs in their stomach are pretty sweet but I don't even have a HDTV yet, let alone a robot TV.

Dead Rising 2 is coming out too. More Vegas shit but they say it's not Vegas but it's totally Vegas you guys. The trailers make it appear that you can Macguyver weapons together but it's probably just scripted events and cinemas. Mulitplayer looks like American Gladiators with zombies, which just feels so, so right.

There's that game with the cars that you blow up shit. Uh...Split Second? That's a fucking shitty game for a racing game. They should just call it THAT GAME WITH CARS WHERE YOU BLOW UP SHIT. I'm not a huge fan of racing games, but I love mayhem, and this seems to have lots of it. I love the Burnout series, but unless I'm recreating the opening scene of Final Destination 2, I'm not really interested.

I'm sure there's some huge title I'm forgetting that I don't give a shit about that everyone will talk shit about me not mentioning here, so fuck you. THESE ARE THE GAMES I CARE ABOUT.

TheDenizen talks violence of the Pink persuasion...

2010-03-26T17:15:00.000-07:00

Hello again, ninja minions.

TheDenizen is back and about to tackle a subject that's near and dear to my heart: half-naked Japanese girls kicking ass.

The Japanese film industry was pretty austere and serious during the 50's and 60's with only a few exceptions (Seijun Suzuki's 1967 mindfuck Tokyo Drifter springs to mind)...the most popular films of the era were stately dramas and rousing action adventure films. But by the time the 70's rolled around, pretty much everyone in the country had a TV set at home and movie theater revenues were plummeting. In order to coax patrons back into the movie houses, filmmakers often took the tasty bits that couldn't be shown on TV and cranked them up to 11. Mainly, the sex and violence quota skyrocketed.

Masterfully written and acted samurai films gave way to gory and over the top swordplay flicks. As the market for exploitation fare soared, one subgenre of chambara and yakuza films carved out a niche for itself by telling the lurid stories of female gangsters: Pinky Violence. Packed with wall to wall swordfights, brawls, nudity and sex, these flicks certainly weren't innocent, but they usually lacked the meanness of a lot of contemporary American exploitation fare. They were just more fun.

Here's a quick look at a few of the series from the 1970's I enjoy the most.

Rica - Rica is a half Japanese, half American teenager who runs an all girl gang in modern day Yokohama. After a huge battle with a rival gang, Rica is carted off to juvenile hall and her gang is captured and sold to slavers who intend to ship them to Vietnam as rape fodder for American GIs. Rica busts out of detention and goes on the warpath, facing off against one tough male gang boss after another, trying to get back her girls. There is more plot in the first 20 minutes of this movie than most complete films, and it just moves at a breakneck pace the whole way. There's an extended scene where Rica sings in a strip club, and her dance moves are some of the worst stuff you've ever seen, but her outfits are amazing. In practically every scene, Rica is wearing a new cape or midriff-baring pantsuit with incredibly detailed and colorful patterns. Very kitschy. Tons of knife scraps, kung fu catfighting and bouncing boobs.

Rica was followed by two sequels. Rica 2: Lonely Wanderer is about Rica trying to unravel the story of one of the reform school girls from the first film, who has somehow ended up in a mental institution in Misawa. The plot was much more coherent and conventionally paced, but there was almost no nudity and too much use of guns. Rica 3: Junvenile Lullaby features Rica using a fucking spear gun to bust up a pornography ring that was exploiting girls from the Juvenile Prison. Much better.

Sex & Fury - Reiko Ike plays a fearless swordswoman, pickpocket and gambler named Ocho who is on the trail of her father's killers. She plays some poker and gets whipped naked by Swedish nymphette Christiana Lindberg along the way, and ends up slashing her way to the top of the yakuza syndicate responsible for her father's death. The first major set piece of the movie is a swordfight in a bath house, in which Reiko takes on a dozen or so men completely nude. She also fights the final battle topless, but by the end she is so soaked in gore that you can't even tell. Nice.

Sex & Fury had only one sequel, the ludicrously titled Female Yakuza Tale: Inquisition and Torture, in which Ocho solves the equally ludicrously named "Crotch Gouge Murders" while doing battle with a bunch of opium smugglers. The story is kinda confusing and some of the sex scenes are just creepy, but there's lots of cool visuals and and swordplay.

Lady Snowblood - Meiko Kaji plays Yuki, a woman who was born in a prison to a widow who died in childbirth. She was then raised and trained as an instrument of vengeance, possessing deadly skills and a concealed sword. This is probably best known as the flick that Quentin Tarantino used as the basis for Kill Bill, even reusing Lady Snowblood's theme song. Meiko Kaji is beautiful, and has a fierce glare that could bore a hole through titanium. She uses that glare to stunning effect as she smoothly dispatches her enemies. Plenty of splashy blood, but this flick also asks some serious questions as Yuki continually ponders the point of avenging the family she never met.

Lady Snowblood was followed by Love Song of Vengeance a year later, a less interesting film in which Yuki gets mixed up a political scheme. It still has no shortage of swordplay, and fans of Meiko Kaji will want to check it out. Meiko Kaji was also famous for playing Sasori (aka Scorpion) in the Female Prisoner 701 series, a woman who breaks out of prison to exact revenge on the men who wrongfully put here there. Maybe for my next blog I'll review those, or some other Women In Prison flicks.

Other notable Pinky Violence films from the era include Stray Cat Rock, Girl Boss Guerilla, Girl Boss Revenge, and Terrifying Girls' High School.

The Pinky Violence genre still exists today in a slightly altered form, way down on the low budget end of the filmmaking spectrum in Japan. Recent efforts use less sex but WAY more bloody gore, often for comedic effect. Movies like Machine Girl, Zombie Hunter Rika, Oneechanbara, Samurai Princess and Tokyo Gore Police all show off sexy female leads unleashing copious amounts of ultraviolence.

I love that shit, it never goes out of style...

Do you play Adam Ryland's TEW?

2010-03-06T21:43:00.000-08:00

If you do, then you know that the default belt graphics are basically dog turds. You got Adobe/Macromedia Fireworks and you wanna make your OWN belts for it? Here's a helpful tutorial video, made by yours truly.
Have fun listening to my douchey voice. :)

Oscar Picks

2010-03-05T17:30:00.000-08:00

Best Actor - Jeff Bridges

Jeremy Renner is the only other contestant I feel, but since he's young and Jeff Bridges deserves an Oscar I'm leaning towards him.

Best Actress - Sandra Bullock

Too much hype has been made about her "comeback" for her to lose this race. I'll be shocked if she doesn't get the statue.

Best Supporting Actress - Monique

I liked Precious and thought she was fantastic. There really isn't any competition here in my opinion.

Best Picture - The Hurt Locker

I haven't seen it, but it's been getting all the talk latey. Avatar was good, but I just don't see the academy going for a big budget special effects movie with a weak cliche story. Precious was hyped to hell for months, but I haven't seen any buzz about it recently. So this is my pick.

Best Director - James Cameron

It's either him or Katheryn Bigelow. I'm banking on Bigelow being a woman not being a factor in this....but that is really short-sighted of me. We'll see.

Best Supporting Actor - Christoph Waltz

Yeah, nobody would be risky enough to pick against him. There's just no way he's not going to win this.

Best Animated Film - Up

Lock. It's Pixar and it was fantastic. I'd honestly love to see this win best picture.

Cinematography, Art Direction, and Visual Effects - Avatar

Yep

Film Editing- The Hurt Locker

I hear it's a movie that relys on precision for a lot of the scenes, and is very tension filled so I'm going with this.

The rest are pretty much a crap-shoot for me.

COPOUT

2010-03-02T06:56:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I fucking liked it, yo.

Hey Man, Cool Shirt - Volume One

2010-02-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

Man, the internet is full of cool shirts.

Since KBN is pretty fucking cool itself, I'm going to show you cool shirts. We're not getting kickbacks or free shirts or advertising for doing this but maannnnn I would so welcome that if someone wanted to. Call me a sellout all you want, I want free stuff or money as much as the next guy.

Here's the first in a series-

HEY MAN COOL SHIRT

The Jack Burton

The tank top from Big Trouble in Little China, motherfucker.

This was for sale once before- but it was some company only doing expensive limited editions of the shirt. It's 20 bucks here.

While I personally avoid tank tops because I keep these pythons under wraps, brother, I figure some of you mofos would like to check this shit out.

Available at 80s Tees

XBOX Live Indie Games Spotlight #1

2010-02-19T17:31:00.000-08:00

by SonnyBone
--------------------------------------------

So I'm making an XBOX Live Indie Game called Souplobstar. Before I get too deep into development, I want to scour the service to find the VERY BEST games available. I want to know what's possible, and I want to know what I'm up against. I've already tried out 50 or so Indie Games, and I'll be doing a periodic 'spotlight' on the games that I feel are worth the free trial, and I'll let you know which ones are worth purchasing.

SO HERE WE GO!

--------------------------------------------

ZP2K9
by Ska Studios

This is one of those games where screen shots and videos DO NOT convey the incredible amount of FUN to be had. It's a 2D side-scrolling multiplayer shooter with tons of guns, grenades, and powerups. And when I say multiplayer, I don't mean split screen. ZP2K9 has online multiplayer support for up to 10 people. You can also play against AI bots if you're all alone.

Here's what sets ZP2K9 apart from similar games.

1) You can walk on walls and ceilings. Yes. At all times. It doesn't make any sense, but it's totally rad and makes for some incredibly fun moments.

2) You can do this weird Matrix-style slo-mo mid-air floaty thingy. Again, it makes no sense, but it's fun to jump off a cliff, only to do a Matrix float and fire a few shots back at your enemy before free falling to the ground below.

3) POWERUP SUITS. Ok, this is my favorite feature. You can grab suits from the occasional crate that will change the powers and appearance of your player. There is a bat suit that lets you become invisible when hanging from the ceiling, a bee suit that lets you fly, a cyborg suit that gives you faster firing and reload times, a tesla suit that lets you fire electricity along with your bullets, a cat suit that lets you dash super fast and leap farther, a hedgehog suit that doubles your attack power, and MANY MORE.

4) Swords. There are two swords in the game: a katana, and a huge sword that looks like something out of Final Fantasy. These are fun because they knock your opponent back and you can slice in any direction, even while jumping. Combining the sword with the bee suit or bat suit creates some amazing moments.

5) THE BITCH KICK. By performing the bitch kick, you can boot an enemy into a chasm or to the bottom of the ocean for a satisfying "HA HA" kill. I love it.

There are several game type options: Deathmatch, team deathmatch, king of the hill, and capture the flag. We've all seen these before, but that doesn't mean they aren't totally awesome. The stages can become a bit repetitive, as they all look very similar, but once you learn them, you'll begin to appreciate their unique subtleties. There are plenty of rad weapons available, and you can even dual wield certain guns. There are several grenade types as well, so you can certainly develop a unique strategy. You can carry 4 different guns and 2 different grenades at any given time. Certain guns have unlimited ammo, and others do not. You can also swap weapons out if you've already filled all 4 gun slots. There is also an option to edit your character. There are 2 races (human and zombie) with several variations of each.

There is a LOT crammed into this little game for the price.

So what's the price?

80 points.

That's a DOLLAR, folks. This is easily the best dollar I've ever spent on a video game, and I encourage EVERY XBOX 360 owner to buy this. It was developed by Ska Studios, the guys behind Dishwasher and I MADE A GAME WITH ZOMBIES IN IT, so you know it's gonna be good. But the beauty of this service is that you don't have to make a blind purchase. You can try a free demo, and there is no reason not to.

This is by far my favorite XBOX Live Indie Game at the moment, but I have MANY MORE to play through. I'll see you suckaz next time with the XBOX Live Indie Games Spotlight #2, where I'll focus on a game that's all about being as RAD as possible.

BEWARE OF!

Snowmageddon 2010!

2010-02-15T19:24:00.001-08:00

So in the south we rarely get snow.

It has snowed three times already this year.

Today we got out early because of SNOWMAGEDDON.

It was rad.

Surviving The Apocalypse

2010-02-05T17:59:00.000-08:00

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

MOVIE REVIEW

2010-01-27T20:50:00.000-08:00

by SonnyBone
--------------------------------------------

SO I SAW THIS MOVIE RIGHT. SOME BITCH WAS ALL WORKING THESE SHITTY JOBS AND SHIT AND FUCKING THIS DUDE ON THE SIDE RIGHT. HER SISTER WAS ALL STUPID AND DUMB AND SHIT AND THEN THEY TRIED TO GET RICH TOGETHER CLEANING UP DEAD BODIES AND SHIT SO THEY BUY SOME CLOROX RIGHT. YEAH THEN THIS FUCKING ONE ARMED DUDE MAKES HELICOPTERS AND SOME OLD MAN SELLS SHRIMP TO MEXICANS AND SOMEBODY'S HOUSE BURNS DOWN THEN IT GOES OFF.

IT WAS FUCKING RAD.

Kuon

2010-01-25T19:23:00.000-08:00

I needed to post something else. So I decided to review a video game that in all likelyhood none of you have ever heard of: Kuon.

What the fuck is Kuon you ask? It's a PS2 Survival Horror game based on Heian-era Japan. It's also been localized by our good friends Agetec, so the odd obvious translation error is present.

The story is simple, yet confusing. You control one of two characters: A preist's daughter who is a total shut-in, who finds herself seperated from her sister, or a female excorsist who is investigating the dissapearance of the former's fuedal lord. All Jigoku breaks loose, and gaki and ghosts overrun a castle. You complete the story with one character, then you play as the other in a slight variation of the other story, then you play as a third character, another excorsist who is the rival of the person who turns out to be the main villain of the game.

Also, the story centers around some weird spell that can bring someone back to life by turning them into a famished undead who has to feed on creatures to come back to life, but instead of coming back to life as a human they are reborn as a mulberry. The preist's daughter accidentally killed her sister, but doesn't know the sister is actually dead, and the priest used the spell to try to bring the daughter to life.

And how does this turns the fuedal castle into an ancient Racoon City you ask? I'm not sure. Apparently the trees are evil and the silkworms that grow on the trees are sacred or something.

Overall, it's an okay game. You can set the difficulty between three modes, it's not too hard to beat the medium setting though you might die a couple times because the characters are a quite a bit fragile. Luckily you can heal them, in-combat by using items and out-of-combat with meditation. Outside of combat you travel the map in typical 'you need the red key to pass this door, the blue key to pass this other door' fashion, and there are a couple puzzles which you can solve in simple trial and error fashion. You can only save by using a limited item in certain locations on the map, but in all likelyhood you will rarely find yourself unable to save regularly.

Replay value is very very limited though. The entire game can be beaten in about eight to ten hours, and while there is a challenge mode where if you are hit nine times you die there's not really much else to make you want to play the whole thing again. There IS a minigame you can unlock, which is essentially a heian-era version of backgammon... in that it's EXACTLY like backgammon without the part where you take your stones off the board at the end.

So, if you have seven bucks, like a decent but not memorable story, and REALLY REALLY like Backgammon, get Kuon. Otherwise, get yourself some Chik-Fil-A.

Halloween II Review

2010-01-24T16:33:00.000-08:00

First off, I'm a huge fan of the original Halloween and the sequel. After that the series fell off, but the later editions of the series were still kinda stupid fun. When I found out Rob Zombie would be re-making the original, I was skeptical to say the least. Figured it would either be really good, or fucking awful, with no middle ground.

Saw Rob Zombie's Halloween opening night, and was ready to walk out five minutes into the flick. The whole changing of Michael's family from ordinary middle class folks to white trash scum was goofy enough, but I can't stand the dialogue Zombie writes. I have no problem with swearing in a movie, but there needs to be an element of realism in my opinion, and he goes way overboard. Basically, the movie just went downhill from there. I hated it.

Now why the hell would I even bother watching the sequel? Guess because I'm just a fan of the series. I Netflixed it last week, and watched Friday night. There will be spoilers here, so if you haven't seen the movie but intend to, don't read any further. Plus, this review will probably suck, so just stop now.

The main problem I had with a sequel was the fact that Zombie himself said he was doing his version of Halloween the way it should've been done, with Michael dying and that being that. But, wait, here we are with a sequel. Money talks, I guess.

Halloween 2 actually started off with some potential, with Michael rising up from the back of an ambulance and decapitating one of the paremedics, complete with close-up of the knife sawing through the guy's neck. Once Michael starts seeing visions of his dead mom speaking to him and giving him direction to find his sister, the retardation sets in. Then, you get Michael sans mask, with a long coat and hood on. He's also somewhere along the line grown a huge ass beard and instead of being the silent killer from the original series, he grunts and snarls when killing someone, and even speaks at the end of the movie. Fuck you, Mr. Zombie.

Then there's the obnoxious Lorie, who's all traumatized and doped up on anti-depressants, yelling fuck you to everyone she comes across in the movie. After awhile I was ready for Michael to find her and chop her damn head off.

It was just a lot of silliness and lame dialogue, with some decent kills sprinkled here and there, with the stupidity of Michael's mother popping up and talking to him. I pretty much lost all interest halfway, through but kept on and finished.

I give Halloween 1.5 stars. Barf.

He's a Cop, AND a Samurai?

2010-01-18T19:59:00.000-08:00

It's TheDenizen again.

OK, enough of the lists. The Year's Best Milkshakes, Top 10 Diseases of the Decade, Greatest Celebrity Haircuts, etc. etc. I've seen a zillion of them in the past month, and I'm sick to death of them. They're usually stupid (in that they list shit I don't care about) and wrong (in that they don't agree with my opinions). I don't need to know the Top 5 Ways to Shave a yak, just tell me the best one. I'm probably only gonna need that kind of information once. So today in the interest of brevity, I'm just going to talk about one movie, but it is unquestionably the best of it's kind.

I like shitty movies, and I've seen a lot of really bad ones. Knowing my unusual cinematic tastes, people often ask me "What is the best 'bad movie' out there"? It's important to state that when I talk about shitty movies, I don't mean overwritten big budget Hollywood star driven ego-projects that tanked, like Ishtar or Gigli...I mean Z-grade schlock filmed for next to nothing that tries really hard to rise above it's limitations and fails spectacularly.

There are lots of great bad movies. 80's slashers produced for short drive-in runs, amateurish Italian and Turkish knockoffs of popular American films, exploitation sleaze churned out for the 70's grindhouses, etc, but one film rises above the creme de la crap. That film is Samurai Cop.

Samurai Cop is about a white cop named Joe who comes to LA to fight the evil Japanese gangs taking over the streets. Despite the fact that we're told several times that Joe has "trained with the Japanese masters", he talks about the code of "Bushida" and cannot pronounce the name of the main bad guy Fujiyama (played by a Latino). The Katana gang (which appears to only have one actual Japanese member) doesn't take kindly to Joe's intrusion into their racket peddling smack to grade school kids, so they send wave after wave of goons to die by Joe's hand.

Samurai Cop is truly wretched in every way. Filmed in the mid 80's and starring Sly Stallone's bodyguard, it never actually played anywhere, only getting a direct to DVD release in the 90's after being discovered in a vault somewhere. Everything is completely amateur hour, from the clunky writing, to the awkward direction, to the wince-inducing acting (Samurai Cop is the only acting credit on imdb for several of the principal actors). This movie wants to be a knockoff of Lethal Weapon so badly, it even has Joe exchanging painful chummy racial banter with a black partner.

Joe dodges bullets during a car chase by ducking and bobbing his head in the driver's seat. The main girl has a giant crocheted lion head on her office wall for no apparent reason. A villain uses a katana to slowly SAW the head off an unconscious guy. One of the female gang memebers only has one line: "The boss is coming", but she gets to use it in about five different scenes. The climactic katana duel was obviously filmed in slow motion and sped WAY up. It's got glaring continuity errors, poorly choreographed fight scenes, ridiculous plot devices, laughable editing, cheesy 80's synth music throughout, and three of the most painfully uncomfortable-to-watch love scenes I've ever witnessed.

It's a fucking classic.

The Best of 2009: FishHook Edition

2010-01-15T08:07:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I return to Kidnapped by Ninjas to steal a gimmick that SonnyBone, Deli, and FNK did a few weeks ago....it's the cheesy, unneeded Best of 2009 awards!

BEST WII GAME
For the vast majority of the year, the Wii was the only current-gen system I had, as my Xbox 360 was dead and buried via RRoD and I had no access to it from about July to December, when my brother finally put up the money to buy a new one. So, 2009 was the Year of The Waggle for me, and the Wii I recieved for Christmas got a major workout that turned me into a major Nintendo nerd all over again. However, I spent most of the year playing games that were actually released in 2008, such as Super Smash Bros. Brawl, the first three episodes of Strong Bad's Cool Game for Attractive People, Mario Kart Wii, No More Heroes, and an assortment of other WiiWare games.

As far as games that actually came out in 2009, my Wii collection comes down to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Smash-Up, New Super Mario Bros. Wii, Excitebike: World Rally, MadWorld, Pokemon Rumble, and Mega Man 9. I haven't played enough of MadWorld to really call it the best Wii game I played this year, and I really found the all black-and-white graphics disorienting. Feels like there's nothing to do but follow the trail of blood you leave in your wake, as it's the only distinguishing feature on any level to tell you which way to move forward or back. Pokemon Rumble and Excitebike are OK games, but not game of the year material, and TMNT is basically a Smash rip-off. That leaves us with Mega Man and Mario, and it's really a toss-up. Both games are great throwbacks to old school platforming of the early 90s heyday I grew up with. And although my fast-twitch platforming skills (which weren't great in the first place) have diminished greatly since my youth, leading to a great deal of frustration with both games on my part, there's no doubt that New Super Mario Bros. Wii is the one Wii title of 2009 that is an absolute must-buy for everyone, and I think it's the tremendously fun multiplayer options that put it over the top compared to Mega Man, which is a great, if unforgivingly difficult, return to the classic 8-bit Mega Mans of the day, before all the games released after Mega Man X killed the series dead. But Mario is head and shoulders above, with simple but challenging platforming and fun new power-ups.

Also, a special shoutout to Punch-Out!! Best game I ever played for only 2 days on a rental.

BEST 360 GAME
As I stated earlier, my 360 was dead for most of the year, and I'm not a big fan of shooters, so my 360 games library is quite different from most 360 gamers: it's older stuff that's more non-traditional from the typical "shooters and more shooters" mentality. With the limited time I've had with the 360, I basically only played two major games for my 360 this year that consumed a major amount of my time: UFC Undisputed 2009 and Batman Arkham Asylum, both multi-platform releases. And while I've only just started playing Arkham, it's already an A-list experience that gives me no reservations in calling Batman Arkham Asylum the best the 360 had to offer for me this year. It's the simple but fun Freeflow combat system and the immersive world that you're dropped into puts it over the top. While I'm not even the biggest Batman fan in the world, you become a Batman thanks to this game: you always feel like the Caped Crusader with every motion you make, and all the villians are perfectly portrayed. Arkham is a tremendous example of how to properly use a license for a game.

BEST NINTENDO DS GAME
I'M ALL BIAS in this section, because I have only had my DS for about a week of 2009, and only had one game for it. So in a not so shocking upset, The Legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks was my favorite DS game of 2009. This might change when I actually start playing some more DS games from '09, but it may not, as Spirit Tracks is a truly great experience. I found the puzzles intuitive without being mind-bendingly difficult, and really, they didn't need to be. You don't have to break someone's brain with mind-numbing furstration to be a good game. Also, control with the stylus felt natural after a little 15-minute or so learning curve, combat and movement felt really natural on the touch-screen, and I think it's going to feel weird eventually when I actually have to use the d-pad and buttons to play other DS titles thanks to this experience. Also, the boss battles are really super-fun, and the music is phenomenal, as always from Zelda. Definitely a title deserving to be picked up.

BEST BARGAIN BIN GAME OF 2009
Sure, it came out in 2008, but how can I say anything less than No More Heroes? It's easily the best I've felt purchasing a $20 game, and the quality for the price was through the roof. No More Heroes' quirky sense of humor and tremendous stylized graphics make a world worth spending quite a bit of Waggle-time on. And not only is the sequel coming out soon (which will fix the problems the game has with the boring side-jobs and exploring, it will be worth the full $50 price tag it should recieve), but there's also talks of a 360 and PS3 port coming soon. If those two ports make it to America, there's no excuse not to play this game. A great experience, and I can't wait to play Desperate Struggle.

BEST WRESTLING MATCH OF 2009
I know this will seem obvious, but I watch a lot of pro wrestling. A lot. And I watched basically anything that I could get my hands on this year, and I still didn't find a match that topped the drama of Shawn Michaels vs Undertaker from Wrestlemania 25. In a match that basically saved the show, these two put on an absolute masterpiece. But what I'll remember more is how my friends and I reacted as the match went on, going along this roller coaster ride up and down, emotion with every count. THAT is pro wrestling: taking the fans on a ride.

BEST MUSIC OF 2009
I spent most of my year listening to Jonathan Coulton. Nerd rock FTW.

Well...that's about it. I hope everyone enjoyed 2009, and 2010 is shaping up to be an even bigger year in gaming and wrestling, my two main habits/obsessions. Hope the days are as good to you as they are to me, and I'm sure I'll be doing this list again by about mid-Janurary of 2011 for the 2010 stuff.

- FishHook

BEFORE I DO MY ANALYSIS

2010-01-13T16:00:00.000-08:00

I WANT YOUR THOUGHTS:

SAINTS ROW 2 VS GTA 4

Daybreakers Review

2010-01-10T16:19:00.001-08:00

Best of the Decade

2010-01-03T11:09:00.001-08:00

So here's my best of list of the past 10 years.

BEST SPORTS GAME:
NBA STREET VOL. 2
The pinnacle of the series, and an overall blast. Plus Larry Bird is in the game, and he's a bonafide badass.

BEST RASSLIN' GAME:
FIRE PRO: R
All of you know why, so we will skip.

BEST DREAMCAST GAME:
SHENMUE
Lots of people went ape shit over this game. I played FPD more, but my gawd Shenmue had me hooked. I tried to re-play the game not too long ago, and I can't do it. It's not fun, but the initial 80 hours or whatever I poured into this game were so satisfying that I can't put it anywhere else.

BEST GAMECUBE GAME:
LEGEND OF ZELDA: THE WIND WAKER
So a lot of people hate this game. I think it's my favorite in the series. The sailing was fun, and by god that ending. Oh that ending.

BEST PS2 GAME:
GRAND THEFT AUTO: VICE CITY
I love the 80s. I love bashing people to death. I love this game.

BEST PS3 GAME:
UNCHARTED
Never has a game captivated me with such brilliant cinematic and story.

BEST WII GAME:
SUPER MARIO GALAXY
This isn't even hard. It's worth owning the system over.

BEST X-BOX GAME:
BURNOUT 3
I got a X-Box to buy multiplatform titles only. Burnout 3 is the game still in the damn system, and I have a lot of X-Box games.

BEST DS GAME:
MARIO KART:DS
The reason I bought a DS. I still play this.

BEST RESTAURANT:
THE DINNER BELL(Corinth MS)
I got three words for you: Corn Bread Salad. BEST THING EVER.

That concludes my list. WD

My Best of 2009

2009-12-31T15:23:00.000-08:00

Everyone else is doing it (well not here anyway only Sonybone bothered) but here is my best of 2009.

VIDEOGAMES

I really didn't have much to pick from this year. I was unemployed for a good portion of the year so I didn't really have a chance to play as many new games as I would have liked. So out of the the games I did play (and really I loved the other contenders just as much as this game), Modern Warfare 2 was the best game for me. I love guns and explosions and this game has them in spades. Despite the community constantly trying to ruin everyone's play experience.

MOVIES

This one is actually a tie. It's between two remakes (which is kind of a surprise for me) but both were awesome.

Star Trek: I'm not a Trekkie, at all. For a brief time I was really into Deep Space Nine but that was it. The movie was great. It really shows that you don't have to shit on the source material to remake a franchise for current audiences. Everything that came before it was preserved and it has plenty of potential to grow. The casting was good, the acting was great, the special effects were great, and the story was engaging. It was just a really well rounded movie and it worked on every level.

Friday the 13th: This was the other remake that was great. This was the perfect Jason movie. The effects were completely excellent, it was bloody but not so much that it distracted with the ridiculousness of it. The guy playing Jason was great as well. For someone who doesn't show facial expressions or talk, he conveys a ton of emotion. This was important because Jason is the centerpiece of the movie. I really had no problems with any part of this movie.

TELEVISION

This is hard because there was some good TV and there was some bad tv. Jeez was there some bad TV. But there was a clear best for me.

Doctor Who: The Waters of Mars: This was the best thing I've ever seen on Television. The story was good, there is sentient (evil) water on Mars and it wants to get on Earth because it is a planet filled with water that it can infect. The Doctor (David Tennant who sadly leaves Doctor Who tomorrow) knows that everyone involved is going to die and that he can't change it. He faces this fact as well as his own curiosity about what happened to these people on Mars (who are famous). The ending was AMAZING, especially for someone who has been following the show since it restarted in 2005.

MUSIC

I didn't get any new music this year. Although I intended to get Kottonmouth Kings' "Green Album" and 311's "Uplifter" I just didn't get around to it.

BOOKS

I've been working on a backlog of books so I didn't get anything that came out in 2009. I don't really read that much anymore so I probably will never be current.

COMICS

Everything new that I read from the big companies was completely awful. I'm sure Dark Horse and Image put out some quality books but I've pretty much given up on today's comics so I wouldn't know. I did start buying Image comics from the startup (mostly the Wildstorm and Extreme Studios portions) and a few others (L.E.G.I.O.N. and X-Men 2099).

My Favorite Stuff From 2009

2009-12-28T21:25:00.001-08:00

by SonnyBone
---------------------------------

Yo, suckaz. I see lots of talk about GAME OF THE YEAR and ALBUM OF THE YEAR and bla and bla. So... seeing as how I've played a ton of games and listened to a ton of music, I guess I should tell everyone what I enjoyed the most as if they give a crap.

SO HERE WE GO

The following are my top 10 games that were actually released in 2009 that I happened to particularly enjoy:

1) Punchout! (Wii)
2) Madworld (Wii)
3) Skate 2 (PS3)
4) Little King's Story (Wii)
5) Wii Sports Resort (Wii)
6) F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin (PS3)
7) New Super Mario Brothers (Wii)
8) Fat Princess (PS3)
9) Muramasa: The Demon Blade (Wii)
10) Brutal Legend (PS3)

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Trash Panic (PS3)
A Boy And His Blob (Wii)

So I guess my vote for GAME OF THE YEAR 2009 goes to PUNCHOUT! I really don't need to explain why. It's the single greatest 'rebirth' of a classic game.

Madworld comes in at a VERY close second place. I had more fun with this game than almost anything else I can remember. Madworld is what No More Heroes TRIED to be: Fun from beginning to end with loads of style and humor.

Skate 2 was a phenomenal game from top to bottom, and Skate 3 will be one of the best games of 2010.

Little King's Story did NOT disappoint in what can only be described as: PIKMIN MEETS HARVEST MOON.

And fifth place goes to Wii Sports Resort, which totally floored me in ways I didn't expect. It was JUST AS FUN as the original Wii Sports, if not more.

----------------------------------------------

There are several other games that I played the hell out of this year... but they didn't actually release in 2009. Here's my top 3 games of the year that didn't actually come out this year.

1) Fallout 3 (PS3)

The release of DLC content on the PS3 platform extended the life of this game into 2010. That's amazing.

2) Saints Row 2 (PS3)

This is so much better than GTAIV that I can't even comprehend it. I am so incredibly excited for part 3.

3) Order Up! (Wii)

I got this game in mid 2008, and I STILL play it. It's easily one of the best Wii games to date.

---------------------------------------------

MUSIC!

Oh boy...
Overall, 2009 was a letdown for me in the world of music. Many of the albums I was looking forward to did NOT impress me at all. I was surprised, however, by two released that blew me away. In the end, I only have 2 top albums of the year because they stand head and shoulders above everything else I listened to.

1) "Act II: The Father Of Death" - The Protomen

This album contains more emotion than anything I've heard on the radio in the past decade... COMBINED. It's basically a rock opera about the origins of Doctor Light and Doctor Wily (from the Mega Man universe), and it's the best thing I've heard in YEARS. EASILY the album of the year, IMO.

2) "The Pariah, the Parrot, the Delusion" - Dredg

This is the greatest release from Dredg, and that's really saying something. They simply get better with age, and that's not always true in the world of music. This album moves me both lyrically and musically, which is all I really ask for in a band.

----------------------------------------------

So that's it. I'm not gonna link to anything or post any pictures or videos. If you give a shit, then you'll research this stuff yourself. If not, then why the hell did you read it?

See you suckaz in 2010!

BEWARE OF!

Merry Christmas everyone.

2009-12-24T22:20:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone.

TheDenizen talks End of the World

2009-12-24T13:46:00.000-08:00

Hello again, ninja dudes.

Gonna change gears this entry and talk about something other than ninjas for once. Today it's all about the Apocalypse, or more specifically, Post-Apocalypse. We all know that Mad Max was fucking awesome, and Road Warrior was even better (let's just pretend that Thunderdome never happened, ok?), and they were both very influential. Since Mad Max movies were relatively cheap to produce and made a shit-ton of money, it was only natural that million crappy knockoffs with tough dudes kicking ass in the wasteland would flood the market shortly thereafter.

And flood the market they did. Italy, Spain and the Philippines started cranking out these shitburgers like there was no tomorrow. Universally cheap and rushed, these flicks are a gold mine for the connoisseur of celluloid abortions like myself. Let's examine a small handful of examples from the Post Apocalypse genre.

2020: Texas Gladiators (1982) - This flick is about a group of 5 Rangers who travel around a post-nuclear war Texas meting out justice in a lawless land. It starts out with an incredible assault on a wasteland church by a horde of slavering mutants (well, guys with green paint on their faces). They crucify the priest, and gangrape one of the nuns while another nun desperately slashes her own throat with a shard of glass to avoid the same fate. The Rangers show up, fill the church with smoke bombs and then use shotguns and machetes to slaughter every single mutant as they run out. Sweet. Sadly the rest of the film doesn't quite live up to the opening, as one of the Rangers goes rogue right away and another quits to join up with a group of civilians trying to defend and repair a factory/refinery. A group of evil bikers led by the rogue Ranger eventually show up and massacre/enslave the civilians, and the remaining 3 Rangers are left to exact bloody revenge. Not bad, but it does drag through the middle a bit. Tons of squibs.

The New Barbarians (1982) - This Z-grade Italian flick is brutal. As in brutally bad. I'm going to spoil the shit out of it here, so if you don't wanna know, skip ahead. After a nuclear holocaust, an evil gang of homosexual bikers dressed as Stormtroopers and calling themselves "The Templars" are on a mission to exterminate the few remaining humans. Into the mix comes Scorpion, an Italian Mad Max wannabe with a badass car and a score to settle with the Templars. He gets captured and RAPED by the Templars, but then gets saved by Fred Fucking Williamson, who chews up the low budget scenery as an invincible archer. They team up and wipe out the Templars in a protracted and ridiculous scene full of guns that go "pew pew". The End. There, I just saved you an hour and a half of corny dialog and awful slow-mo action scenes (and male rape).

Stryker (1983) - They obviously had a bit of a budget for this one, since they had real tanks and an actual Interceptor just like Mad Max's but they must've spent all their money there. The "story" is some ridiculous twaddle about finding a new fresh water source in the aftermath of a nuclear war, but really it's just 90 minutes of bad actors staggering about a gravel pit shooting at each other. They're killing each other over a few drops of water, but no one ever mentions where all the gas for their dozens of vehicles comes from. I had to go back and rewatch several parts because I could barely stay awake during this snooze-fest.

The Warrior and the Princess (1984) - This chunk of schlock is essentially a remake of Yojimbo/Fistful of Dollars in a nuclear wasteland setting with David Carradine in the lead role. Carradine is a warrior monk (shocker) who wanders into a dirty little town controlled by two rival factions, both vying for control of the only well in the area. Unbelievably cheap and cheesy, but it does have a mutant chick with four tits.

Recently Post Apocalypse films are back in vogue, with Hollywood throwing some real money at the productions. Current examples of the type include the excellent Children of Men, The Road, and the upcoming Book of Eli with Denzel Washington fucking people up with a machete. Lookin forward to that one.

Also, at some point in the new year, the HeadNinja and myself are planning to post a special review of "Escape from the Bronx", another Italian Post Apocalypse monstrosity. Don't miss it.

COALPLEX

2009-12-24T02:33:00.000-08:00

WELL WELL WELL

It's Christmas time, you sniveling little shits, so let's get down to the nitty gritty. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

I'M PISSED NOW

Fuck a Christmas goose.

And I don't mean sexually.

We're talking bout some fine cuisine.

YEAH

YOU KNOW I'M TALKIN BOUT FILLET MIGNON

Man, Ray Fillet was such a shitty character. Why did they add him to the show? I mean, Napoleon Bonafrog was bad enough... but RAY FUCKIN FILLET? Eat my feces.

YOUR T SHIRTS ARE TOO TIGHT, TOO, BILLY!

Calling all KBN contributors...

2009-12-21T21:39:00.000-08:00

On orders from the Highest Ninjitsu Practitioner, I'll be making (among other things) new header and sidebar graphics for the KBN Productions blog.

And now the audience-participation portion: I'll need some suggestions from you guys on what to incorporate into them (besides a ninja and a lucha and probably a Bad Dudes title screen). Of course, Troma's decisions are final here, but I'll be seeing what you guys are capable of suggesting...for better or worse. :)

Of Rats and Chucks

2009-12-21T08:51:00.000-08:00

Growing up, I fucking loved me some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Thing is, shit was confusing, man. Shit was so...conflicted.

Most of us were probably introduced to TMNT through the cartoon. I happened to be introduced through the toys- I had bought Michelangelo from the very first wave of figures, because I loved nunchaku(hey, I'll accept nunchucks, but if you say numbchucks you're a fucking idiot) ever since I saw Bruce Lee use them, and they'd make pretty much any toy that used them an instant purchase(Though I never had Panthro-I wasn't into the Thundercats toys despite liking the cartoon).

Now, nunchuku are illegal to carry in my home state of California, and you can't even ship them to a lot of states in the US, but this is nothing compared to the European treatment of the weapon. In a market where you weren't even allowed to say the word "ninja"(fucking TEENAGE MUTANT HERO TURTLES? Give me a break.), Mikey's weapons were edited out of the TV show and some of the releases of the live action film.

So we still got the chucks, no problem, man. Well, eventually, they caved in to pressure and TOOK MIKEY'S WEAPONS AWAY. Some of you might remember the first syndicated cartoon the most, but it eventually moved onto CBS, with a slightly different design...and Mikey had a fucking grappling hook as a weapon.

I was so pissed, you guys. It was fucking bullshit.

I couldn't get into the show at that point. I had to stop watching. They killed my favorite character.

Enter THE NEXT MUTATION. Okay, this show sucked pretty bad, unleashing the abomination of VENUS DE MILO, THE FEMALE TURTLE onto the world. And they crossed over with Power Rangers and didn't totally kick their asses, which is basically doing a job to them because THEY'RE THE FUCKING NINJA TURTLES DUDE, they could fight Krang when his robot body grew to Godzilla height and WIN, so fuck a Megazord. My anger is guiding me away from the real issue here- they took away Mikey's chucks again. Motherfucker got saddled with TONFA.

Okay, nunchaku are fucking awesome, man. Tonfa are a fucking NIGHTSTICK. I couldn't even lie to myself and say "Man, maybe Mikey loves the Big Boss Man as much as you do." It wasn't working. I had to not watch, again.

At least the new cartoon fixed that shit.

While this inconsistancy existed, at least it happened as a progression. Mikey lost the chucks, get over it(like anyone could) or stop watching(EXACTLY). The treatment of the origins of Master Splinter were fucking MIND BOGGLING to kids.

In the toyline, and the cartoon, which most of us considered gospel, Splinter was a normal dude named Hamada Yoshi that got turned into a rat when he was hit with the same mutagen that turned the turtles into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Since the turtles were last in contact with Splinter, they became like people. Since Splinter was handling rats right before he was splashed, he became a rat man.

Then, the cinematic event of the century(as far as we were concerned) happened. The LIVE ACTION TMNT MOVIE!

And man, not only were fucking Bebop and Rocksteady not in it, and NO KRANG, but Splinter was a rat first that got mutated. Many a schoolyard conversation revolved around the movie being good and everything, but that stuff being fucking bullshit.

Little did we know that it was the original origin of Splinter in the Eastman and Laird comics, that none of us could read because collectors were selling them for $100 a pop. The cartoon went and changed everything, and since it was what we were exposed to, we all thought the movie was wrong.

But was it? I'm going to go with yes on this. I mean, it makes sense that the mutagen would make a rat man like it made turtle teens, but it also meant that ninjas had pet rats that would watch them train and mimic their movements, and swear revenge when their master is murdered. All pre-mutation, mind you.

But the cartoon origin...that shit was tragic. Splinter was a dude, and became a rat. It was bad enough that he was homeless and living in a sewer, he mutated into an animal that would make the shit smell even MORE powerful due to heightened animal senses. Turtles live swimming in their own shit anyway, so they don't matter. We had hope that Splinter would become human once again, because he was human once, and lived the life of a normal guy until fate kicked him in the balls. Nobody wanted to see the turtles de-mutate into regular turtles again, but Splinter becoming human was even the ending in some of the great and not-so great Turtles video games we grew up playing.

HOW DID WE WRAP OUR HEADS AROUND THIS STUFF?

--HeadNinja Tromataker

It's Christmas

2009-12-14T08:40:00.001-08:00

So I am doing a good deed this year for Christmas.

I just gave 75 canned goods to our local pantry, I also gave 10 books to a book drive, a pair of shoes to a shoe drive, and five toys for children ages 2-4 in a toy drive.

I'm officially broke, but I actually feel better for this.

I urge all KBNinja readers and contributors to do something nice. It doesn't have to be to the magnitude that I gave, but after working with kids for awhile now I see many situations where some people honestly have nothing.

Takes 20 minutes, and is totally worth it.

WD

Food, Dranks, and Games

2009-12-13T14:25:00.000-08:00

ALL ROLLED INTO ONE POST!

First!

IRIE two weeks ago. Had the Bacon Wrapped SHRIMP, cheese grits, and home fries.

The pic looks good enough to eat again! It was all cooked amazing, and tasted great.

SECOND!

AJAX, HOME OF THE GREATEST VEGGIE PLATE IN MISSISSIPPI, and probably the world.

I didn't snap a photo of the food, but I do have one of myself drankin' a long island ice tea!

The food was also great.

FINALLY!

WORDS WITH FRIENDS RULES! IF YOU HAVE AN IPHONE, YOU MUST HAVE THIS APP!

That ends my post. I will kick your ass in a spelling game if you want to play.

Lucha Review- UWA Solo Clasicos Vol. 1

2009-12-13T13:36:00.000-08:00

This is the first review in a series I'm going to be doing on this set of UWA discs that were recently made available to the US trading circle from a Mexican dealer. A huge thanks goes to secondcoming for organizing the buy, and making it happen so quickly. The bulk of these matches appear to take place in 1990-1991, with a handful of matches from the 70s and 80s that are dated. These discs are not complete shows, but compilations. I can't tell yet if they're in chronological order, but hopefully things will start to clear up once we get a few discs in. There are various title, mask, and hair matches on the set, so we will be able to date any title changes, or losses of masks or hair with the information provided at the fantastic LuchaWiki site. I am in no way an expert on Lucha Libre style or history, so this will be a learning experience for all of us. We've got a lot of discs to cover, here's Vol. 1.

UWA SÓLO CLÁSICOS VOL. 1

1. Ninja Sasuke/El Matematico Jr. Vs Rudy Reyna/Cassandro
We start out with young Great Sasuke teaming up with El Matematico Jr against what I believe is known as Los Exoticos, Rudy Reyna and Cassandro. Reyna and Cassandro work the gender bending gimmick perfectly, crowd pops big when Reyna kisses Matematico in the 2nd fall. I was a bit taken away by how comedic the crowd treats the gimmick, the flamboyant acts would have still been drawing good heat in the States at this time. Young Sasuke is really on in this match, hitting a 2nd rope moonsault and a few nice planchas. He works the trademark kicks in, ending with a particularly stiff spinning back kick to the chin of Cassandro. The finish was a bit too premeditated, but the 5 awkward seconds spent setting it up was about the only negative mark on the match. A very good match, actually a good bit better than I expected to start off with.

2. Los Espantos IV & V vs Las Estrellas Blancas Sr. & Jr.
Los Espantos y Las Estrellas wear identical tights and masks, making it way too tough tell who's who on either team. Villanos IV y V had it right with the numbered tights. Los Espantos were really impressive in this one. They are sons of Los Espantos III, from the original Espantos team of the 50s. One of the Espantos uses a fan's bell to do some work on one of the Estrellas, when the Estrella tries to retrieve the bell to retaliate the fan shoves it under his chair. Though rudos, the crowd is really into the Espantos. Two great back to back dives from both sides. Both dives took place directly to the left of a nice healthy lady, who appears to have an orgasm with each one. Chicks dig the topes. Los Espantos do enough innovative double team moves to send a ROH crowd into a frenzy. Another solid match.

3. Scorpio Sr & Jr vs Transformer / Celestial
Not quite as exciting as the first 2 matches. Transformer has some great entrance attire though.

4. Dr. Wagner Jr./Espanto Jr. vs Celestial / Coloso
Espanto Jr and Celestial start us off with some back and forth ground work. Espanto Jr has great facial expressions, something that tends to stand out when you watch lucha, with all the masks and what not. Espanto Jr was not a an actual family member of the original Espantos, but was given permission to use the name by Espanto II. Jr would later go on to be the original Pentagon, before a tragic near death experience ended his career in the mid 90s. Wagner Jr heels it up well. There's something about a great heel wearing all white that really seems to get to the crowd. Coloso launches Celestial high into the air and to the floor on Espanto for the biggest plancha thus far. Coloso follows it up with a decent little tope of his own. Coloso really didnt do much in the first 2 falls, but comes with some unexpected acrobatics in the 3rd. He's built like Mil Mascaras, but certainly moves a bit better. Wagner delivers the first low blow of the disc, and the rudo ref declares it a head butt to the abdomen. Coloso really sells the nut shot, and the heat piles onto Wagner. All 4 men really picked up the pace for the 3rd fall, with a few nice little spots that lead into the finish. This match is solid, this set is looking really promising.

5. The Killer/ Bull Pain / Zandokan vs Enrique Vera/Silver King / El Texano
Shit. Bull Pain? There really is some variety in this set. Someone stole a pink Macho Man jacket and is parading around the outside with the rudos. Zandokan is another guy who has great facial expressions. Zandokan takes a kick to the mid section from Vera, and sells the shit out of a nut shot. The rudo ref started to raise his hand, but the technico ref is having none of that jazz. Nothing too special here, but Zandokan is a fun rudo to watch, and its always nice to see Silver King and El Texano.

6. Fishman/ The Killer / Tigre Canadiense vs Gran Hamada/Silver King/Transformer
Young Hart Dungeon graduate Mike Lozansky is wrestling here as Tigre Canadiense, and he was also trained a bit by Bad News Allen. He's maskless, so this match is sometime shortly after October of 1991. Macho Man jacket man is back in the Rudo corner, with another fly jacket. Fishman definitely does not bang the Gran Hamada set, and he takes a cheap shot every chance he gets. He doesnt even have to be the legal man. If Hamada is slippin, Fishman is looking to get a shot in. Tigre comes out looking decent, with a nice little spot with Silver King. He then awkwardly climbs to the 2nd rope, and drops back into the weirdest looking elbow Ive ever seen. It wasnt the greatest match, but not bad.

7. Babe Face/Negro Casas/Dr. Wagner Jr vs El Hijo del Santo/Gran Hamada/El Solar I
This line up has potential. Wagner Jr and Solar set a great pace to start the match. Fast enough to catch your attention, but not so fast that they cant kick into a higher gear later on. Negro Casas really delivers as a rudo, his charisma is incredible. I got a good laugh when Wagner Jr completely no sold a Hamada submission break up attempt. He just keeps stretching Solar as the ref moves Hamada out of the ring, never turning his head to acknowledge that Hamada was there. When Wag wants to stretch someone, he's gonna stretch someone. Hamada probably shouldn't have tried it anyway, with only a few minutes left in the match Wagner Jr was working to a nice little hot tag from Solar to Hijo del Santo. The crowd eats up the finish. El Hijo del Santo finished Negro Casas off with a belly to belly suplex, hooking the head and leg for the pin. Santo holds on after the fall, wrenching Casas' neck and roughing him up a bit. I'll be looking forward to future encounters between the two. A bit shorter than I would have liked to see from the final match, but another good one.

Overall this was a fun watch. The final match delivered with the names, but match 4 is the stand out. The team of Dr Wagner Jr and Espanto Jr is great, I hope to see more from them in this set. Here's the matchlist for the next disc, we get our first taste of Bad News Allen in Mexico, as well as Bam Bam. This set also features what I believe is the last series of matches that Andre the Giant wrestled. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the match where he shits on Bad News doesn't appear to be on the set. I'm excited to see Negro Casas and Espanto Jr teaming up, two rudos with great skill and charisma.

UWA SÓLO CLASICOS VOL. 2
1. El Solar I/ El Celestial vs El Engendro/Kahoz
2. Negro Casas/El Espanto Jr vs Super Pinocho/El Halcon
3. Enrique Vera / El Psicodelico vs The Killer / American Eagle
4. Mil Mascaras/El Canek/Villano III vs Bad News Allen/Phill Lafon/Doug Furnas
5. El Texano/Silver King vs El Indomito/El Engendro
6. Enrique Vera / Dos Caras/ Villano III vs Gaint Warrior/Rambo/Bull Pain
7. Los Villanos vs Los Misinoneros de la Muerte
8. Andre The Gaint/Bam Bam Bigelow/Rambo vs El Canek/Los Villanos

I just previewed the disc, sadly there is a bit of pixelation and the ratio is off. Gonna be a tough watch, but I'll see what I can do.

Ludum Dare 16 is officially underway

2009-12-11T18:32:00.000-08:00

HERE WE GO.

The theme for LD16 is:

EXPLORATION

My suggestion missed out the number one spot by 10 votes.

:(

Go ahead and toss some ideas around. It might help me out a bit. YA NEVA KNOW.

Here's what I'm eating right now:

MUY BUENO ROLL

And here's my LD activity stream:
ME AND STUFF

Follow along... or don't. I'm off to do some damn work, suckaz.

ZOMG!!!(NOT THE WEBSITE!)

2009-12-10T13:10:00.000-08:00

What is up d00ds?

I sit here today as, well I am drunk, an individual who is completely happy.

I don't plan to leave my home. I am really feeling it though. We started the party early here in partytown USA! aka Oxford, MS. Hard to believe that one of the top party places in the world is in Mississippi. Anyway, it's true. We started the morning off with a great assortment of screwdrivers, mimosas, and bloody mary's. I have since moved on to...Orange Batman. Yeah you read that right. I am basically living the high life.

I am anxiously awaiting this soup I have been cooking all day to finish. It's a lobster bisque. It's cold, it's soup weather. We're partying in souptown. I plan to throwdown with Bobby Flay later.

OH, I almost forgot. I am drinking my Orange Batman out of this:

Yeah remember these glasses? Well I still have that one. I drink dranks out of it.

I just want to plug some cool stuff quickly, mainly books since I haven't gone out to eat in awhile.

Sky Maul: Happy Crap You Can buy from a Plane

I got this book on blackfriday for 4 bucks. It made me laugh a lot yesterday. It's a lot of fictional shit, but it's also funny. I enjoyed the Bird Zapper the most. It's like a bug zapper you hang outside at night, but big enough for birds!

The Areas of My Expertise by John Hodgman

You may know him from the Mac commercials, but I met him on his book tour for this book at Thacker Mountain Radio. Instead of doing the typical reading, he and Jack Pendarvis(another writer who's also a funny guy), led the crowd in song for 15 minutes.

Finally I leave you with: Breece Pancake

This guy is probably my favorite writer of all time. That is his collected works, as he died at a young age. This guy would be bigger than Faulkner, McCarthy, Hemingway. All those dudes that are famous for this style of writing, had he just lived a little longer. Guy is greatness.

<3 WackyDeli

THE LUDUM DARE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES

2009-12-08T18:59:00.000-08:00

Only 2 days and 22 hours until Ludum Dare 16 begins!

So the first round of voting is over with. I don't understand this fucking voting system, but whatever. The second round is up, and the list is totally different than the first list. I don't remember there being this many categories, so I'm confused. I really don't get it. OH WELL.

As for the round 1 voting results... one of my suggestions placed first. That's rad.

Here are the top 10 themes for round 1.

1. Unwanted Powers
2. Adaptation
3. Betrayal as a gameplay mechanic
4. Shapeshifting
5. Invulnerability isnt all it's cracked up to be
6. By our powers combined...
7. Dreaming
8. You are an unstoppable death machine
9. Construction
10. Deception

and what landed at the number 11 spot?

MY OTHER SUGGESTION:

11. Turn-Based Eating

So out of 67 suggestions, my ideas placed 1st and 11th (thus far). That's cool. As for round 2, I'm so fucking confused. None of the ones from round 1 are in there, and I don't recognize any of the suggestions on the list. Where did this second list come from? And it sucks, too. It's not worth voting on. I can only hope that we end up with a theme that can actually be worked with.

The idea of a game where you are constantly granted UNWANTED POWERS is pretty cool, I think. For example, you're in a room with spikes on the ceiling and you suddenly get a SUPER JUMP powerup or you're given IRON BOOTS when you're trying to swim. Some kind of constant slot machine that hands out these powers at random that you may or may not want at any given time. Could be rad.

Rasslin Sketchbook Page 1

2009-12-08T13:05:00.001-08:00

I have a little square sketchbook, where all the pages are like little glossy pieces of posterboard. The first thing I decided to draw ended up being one of my favorites...

CHESSMAN

From the phone of Wackydeli

2009-12-07T17:54:00.000-08:00

BK sucks man parts and talks about eating them like sloppy joes while
he listens to hinder and nickelback while jerking off to pics of
fishookcrossfacw he found online while convincing his mom that all
this was normal for a giant in the i.t. busieness and for someone who
thinks cougar town is comedy genius and everything abc has ever done
to be hand crafted by the likes of god.

That is what some spirit told me to add to the bible earlier.

FESS UP

2009-12-07T16:10:00.001-08:00

Rollcall time. If you read this blog, and aren't a contributor, please respond. Doing so will make Sonnybone look dumb and me look smart

Thank you

XOXOXO
Tromataker/Head Ninja

MEMORANDUM

2009-12-07T15:43:00.000-08:00

To all fat chicks. Putting on excessive eye liner does not make you look less fat.

-The Management

LUDUM DARE 16 COUNTDOWN

2009-12-06T21:39:00.000-08:00

by SonnyBone
------------------

Yo Suckaz. The strike is lifted and robotic buttholes are back in style.

On top of that... we're about 4 days away from the start of LUDUM DARE 16, the 48 hour video game design contest. I want to win this SO VERY BADLY, but I know it'll be incredibly difficult. I will be maintaining a blog during the development process that I will link to here on KBN, so give me tons of support. And by that I mean I want you to cup my balls.

There have been a jillion theme ideas suggested over at the Ludum Dare site, and some of them would make hilariously awesome games. I'm gonna post the list for all to see, and when it comes time to vote, I'll see if I can post the link for everyone. I'm not incredibly sure if ANYONE can vote, though. Either way, post a comment with your top 3 choices.

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3D Glasses
8 Eyes
A day in the life of…
Abstract
Adaptation
Adjectives
Aliens
Alexander the Great
All Humans are dead
All Natural
Angular Momentum
Antonyms
Apocalypse
Armada
Arms Race
Ascension
Autobiography
Bad luck
Baked Goods as Characters
Baked Goods as Weapons
Balance
Beards, Moustaches and crazy facial hair
Betrayal as a gameplay mechanic
Birds
Black Holes
Board Games
Bugs
By our powers combined…
Castles
Cat and Mouse
Claymation * A day in the life of…
Climate Change
Clouds
Coincidence
Cold or Frozen
Collective Action
Coloring
Combined Arms
Competition
Contrast
Construction
Crab people
Create or alter the laws of Physics
Cruel World
Crustaceans vs Cetaceans
Cyber warfare
Curses
Cute fluffy animals
Death
Deception
Delegation
Distribution of knowledge
Disjoint
Doors
Dreaming
Dynamic Changing Characters
Dwarves
Eating
Electricity
End of the World
Enemies of the Mind
Epic
Everyone is a Friend
Evolution
Existentialism
Fighting
Flags
The Fleet
Flying Pigs
Food
Friends Forever! Never apart!
Futility
Gel Substances (I.E.: Modelling stuff with gels (Like, a 3D Spring, as the math goes - Spring/string is 1D, cloth 2D, Gel 3D)
Ghosts
Gliding
Gravity
Greek Mythology
Hercules
History
History Rewritten
Holes
Horror
Hyperspace
Illusions
Influence
Intensity
Intentionally broken
Inversion
Invulnerability isn't all it's cracked up to be
Irreplaceable
Isolation
Jailbreak
Jargon
Gelatin
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here, this is the war room!
Kittens
Knowledge
Late partygoers
Letting go
Limbs like these are hard to use
Loss
Magnetism
Maze/Labryinth
Mechanics and Gears
Melancholy
Mirrors
Morocco
Monocles
Moustaches
Music
Narrative
Naked men
Negative Space
No Gravity, no Friction
Non-Newtonian Physics
Opposites
Organisation
Paints and Brushes
Parallel
Peak Oil
Perpetual Motion
Photography
Portals
Power Outage Calamity
Planets
Player-generated story
Poetry
Pop
Power Outage
Prehistoric madness
Preparation
Programming things in one way or another
Psychedelic
Psychology
Pussy
Pyrrhic Victory
Rabbits
Rain
Regression
Reptiles
Role Reversal
Roman Mythology
Romance
Science Fiction
Shakespeare
Shapeshifting
Shoes
Snakes on a plane
Sneaking
Snow
Spacemarine
Spaceships
Spaceship Earth
Spiders
Sports which could never exist
Stone Age
Submarines
Surrealism
Sympathetic Antagonist
Swine Flu
Tentacles
The [fill in blank]est Hero Ever!
The Speed of Light
Time
Timewarp ← Is RHPS cross-dressing encouraged?
Top hats
Towlr
Turn-Based Eating
Trading
Translucency
Treasure Hunt
Twilight fandom (a first person squee-er?)
UFO
Unnameable
Unwanted Powers
Unwinnable War
Vector Field Flows
Vector Flow Fields
Vicarious interaction through another player
Video / Webcam
Vikings
Volcanoes
Warped
Water
Whodunnit
Wild animals
Winnable War
Winter
World's worst superhero
Worms
Wormholes
Yin and Yang
You are a cat
You are an unstoppable death machine
Zombies
Zoophobia

Precious

2009-12-06T20:16:00.000-08:00

Since Troma posted about a depressing movie, I'll post about a movie that had the opposite effect on me.

Precious.

The movie about an overweight black girl having her 2nd child, and reading at a 1st graders level. A girl writing at the phonetic stage of writing. Oh and she's only 15 or 16.

I won't spoil, cause that's how I roll, so it's hard to tell a lot. I will tell you how I felt watching this movie.

Angered

That's the only word that comes to mind. I actually shed some tears, because I was so fucking pissed off watching this movie. It's not because of how the story was, not in the sense that GOD THIS MOVIE SUCKS! It was the way that the actors genuinely made me hate them. I felt terrible for this girl. Had Monique, who played Precious' mother, been standing outside the theater I saw this in. I would have beat the life out of her.

The acting is AMAZING in this movie, and if you haven't seen it. Please do so for the acting alone.

Brothers Review

2009-12-06T17:22:00.001-08:00

Getting your cry on

2009-12-06T17:03:00.000-08:00

Man, nothing sucks more than a depressing movie.

Let me tell you something brothers, and I mean this as in brothers in general and not like hydrocloud but he's included in both kinds of brothers I guess...what was I saying?

Yeah man, I go to movies to be entertained. I don't get entertained by getting depressed.

I KNOW there's a fucking market for this though. Nicholas Sparks is a best-selling author! You know how I was a former bookstore ninja, and man, my buddy Eric used to say his wife loved that stuff, and when he'd find the books for someone, he'd tell them "Yeah, my wife loves this one. It's good to get your cry on."

Okay so I know this site is a big sausage fest as far as writers go and most of the writers are the readers but do any of you motherfuckers actually get entertained by depressing shit?

I'm posting this because I just saw Brothers.

I'll post a video review in a minute, too.

the best two days of my life...forreal..dont laugh...ANNND TRANSYLMANIA REVIEW!

2009-12-06T08:03:00.000-08:00

so i met this girl, awesome girl, plays video games, likes wrestling, has a bunch of holes in her face etc, ideal girl for me.anyways we met and talked, hit it off crazy good, hung out all day Friday, and Saturday. i get home and she's all like ' i need some time, etc' fuckin cop out. i'm salty as hell. oh well, moral of the story is boys, like my ENGLISH teacher said DON'T TAKE NOTHIN' FOR FACE VALUE.

Guess its back to the chickenheads...get in where you fit in i guess.

On to the movie review, i went to see this shit last night, with ol girl i mentioned above, we made out for the majority of the movie, the plot it mad stupid, some kids in college get involved in an exchange program with a tranny (short for trannsylvania, not like FM) college and there's a music box with someones soul etc, blah balah, one funny moment in the movie is when they ask this dude 'what happened ton you last night, did you GET FUCKED WITH A TOBAGGIN?' that shit had me weak. it was us and like foul little 9 year old black kids there. the movie was wack, the night was wack, i shoulda just stayed home and got high. and yes I'm bitter. I'm going to see Ninja Assassin, sans bitch, homies over hoes, there ya go, two references from THE BOONDOCKS to close this one out...

TheDenizen reviews Ninja Assassin

2009-12-02T19:56:00.000-08:00

Well, holy crap.

I just got home from Ninja Assassin, and as I sit down to write this review I am consciously trying to keep the hyperbole in check...but fuck that noise, son, Ninja Assassin ROCKED and is quite possibly the best ninja movie ever. I've watched a lot of ninja flicks over the past couple of weeks in anticpiation of this one, so let's run down the standard checklist:

Ninja that melt effortlessly into the shadows? Check.

Insane ninja vs ninja battles? Check.

A modern day police force bleating on about "Ninjas in this day and age? Preposterous!" Check.

Multiple shuriken flurries? Check.

Brutal training sequences? Check.

Cheesy, over the top killings? CHECK.

If you don't like graphic beheadings and flying limbs and splashy buckets of bright red blood, stay far away from Ninja Assassin. Yes, the story is kinda trite, some of the dialog stinks and the acting is nothing special...but it's a goddamn ninja movie, not Shakespeare. A ninja movie only needs enough story to hang its fight scenes on, and Ninja Assassin succeeds at this in spades.

The fight scenes themselves are wonderful. Vicious, frantic, and gory as hell. I've read several reviews complaining of choppy choreography, rapid-fire editing and poor lighting during the action scenes. Those reviewers are retards. Listen: the days of classically trained martial arts actors performing long, uninterrupted takes of fighting are pretty much gone. Tony Jaa, Donnie Yen and a handful of indy film guys are all that's left of that tradition. The rapid cutting is here to stay, but Ninja Assassin does it very well. The movements are well choreographed and the action is relatively easy to follow. If you want to see examples of poorly edited fights where you can't tell what the fuck is going on, rent Batman Begins or the latest Bourne atrocity.

The fights in Ninja Assassin are very busy visually, with lots (and lots) of CGI blood and weapons and fire filling every frame, but you can always tell who is who and where they are in relation to each other. The actions performed before and after each edit actually match up to form a coherent looking move (Batman Begins utterly failed at this). Korean pop idol Rain trained like a mofo for the action scenes in this flick and it shows...he is ripped and totally believable as an action star. And yes, some of the fight scenes are shot in darkened rooms, but it's just to show off how badass the ninja look slipping in and out of shadows. It's pretty badass.

In short, peoples critiques of this movie are stupid. It's an incredibly over the top dopey ninja film with extreme violence and gore. It rules. Go see it.

A Letter to Me in the past

2009-12-02T17:12:00.000-08:00

Dear 13 Year Old Me,
Hey fool, what's up? I'm you 14 years into your future. I'm here to drop some knowledge on you based on the experiences in my past and your future. First of all, don't try and lose your virginity to Tina Mott. I just saw a picture of her recently and let me tell you something brother, BULLET DODGED. Also when you're hanging out with Becky Coliz, go for more than some over the shirt boob action, because she is down. I assure you of this.
Now on to the next item of the agenda. You know those comic books you've been collecting with the chromium foil covers and shit, they're worthless. Sell this shit immediately because it's seriously never going to increase in value. In fact, I've repurchased some of them for fifty cents recently. So sell now while there are still morons buying them for high prices because they think they will be worth more money in the future.
And finally, stop wearing that fucking green shirt, you look really really faggy in it.`
Sincerely, You 14 years in the Future

Chinese-buffet feat. Hibachi grill.mp3

2009-12-02T16:53:00.000-08:00

Since I can't think of a wrestler to blog about I'm gonna talk about a lil place I go when I feel low. THE CHINESE BUFFET. Word to sir juice. Brothas love chinese food, I guess its the love of kung fu movies.I dunno. Mexican people like it too. I dunno if mexican cats like kung fu though. You'll have to ask sir. Hibachi grills are the shit. This little spanish dude in a spider man hat made the dish you see below. Pork,beef,mushrooms,onions,and noodles. Cooked with water and sticks. Good shit.I ate too many sweet fried bits beforehand so I couldn't finish it.chinese food is good for you. Next time I go out to eat I'll go somewhere snooty.that's word to wackydeli. I was supposed to hit up the swanky sushi restaruant but my dude flaked out on me at the last minute.
Sent from my BlackBerry device from Cincinnati Bell Wireless

TheDenizen talks Ninja Part II

2009-12-01T18:22:00.000-08:00

Alright punks, TheDenizen is back with more movie reviews.

I mentioned in my first blog that I like violence, and I really, really do. To me, violence is one of the few bright beacons of joy in an existence completely saturated with stupid people doing stupid things. I hate people in general, and that tends to go hand in hand with enjoying seeing extreme violence inflicted upon them.

It's for this reason that I still haven't seen Ninja Assassin: there's nothing worse than sitting in a movie theater crowded with idiots, so I have a cardinal rule about NOT seeing movies in the theater until they've been out for at least a week. The crowds thin out significantly by then and I can choke down my murderous rage for longer. I made an exception to this rule ONCE in the last 10 years for LOTR: The Two Towers and it was 3.5 hours of torture, as I spent the entire film's running time stifling the urge to savagely donkey punch the retarded chatty fucks filling the row in front of me.

Anyways, I'm finally seeing Ninja Assassin tomorrow most likely (and will post my thoughts to compare/contrast with the HeadNinja), but I've spent a bit of time over the last few days revisting more old school ninja *ahem* "classics" to put me in the mood. Let's get to it.

Ninja Terminator - Godfrey Ho is like the king of the shitty 80's ninja film, and this is one of his finest hours. He takes a bunch of footage from an old 70's triad movie, shoots a bit of new ninja footage, and then splices it all together in the hopes it somehow makes sense using voice overs. It doesn't (he also blatantly rips off music from Star Wars and Clockwork Orange). This flick concerns a band of three ninja who betray their clan and steal the three part Golden Ninja statue, which gives the possessor physical immunity. The rest of the movie is just various ninja/triad groups fighting and trying to steal the pieces back.

Richard Harrison looks ridiculously out of place as a middle aged white ninja named Harry, who delivers orders to his underlings via his Garfield phone and sports more eyeliner than BigKaboom at a Smiths concert. The evil Ninja Empire issues death threats by sending little tiny robots to deliver menacing VHS tapes to their victims - seriously, they look like Transformers toys. There's a totally pointless G-rated sex scene between two minor characters, scored with "Echoes" by Pink Floyd.

Lots of cool ninja stuff with smoke bombs, shuriken, caltraps, etc at the beginning and end, but most of the middle is taken up by the kung fu fighting of the older triad picture. Thankfully those fights are plentiful and actually quite well choreographed and filmed. Jaguar Wong is a badass dude who smirks constantly while beating the shit out of everyone, and the main villain is played by Korean superkicker Hwang Jang Lee. Lee played Silver Fox in the Secret Rivals films, but for some reason he wears a preposterous blonde ladies wig and a white dress suit for 90% of this movie. I'm sure it made sense to Godfrey.

Life of Ninja - I had great hopes for this movie: a kung fu/ninja flick starring Chen Kwan Tai and Yasuaki Kurata? Can you say "massive fucking potential"? It starts off with a bunch of ninja in a cave going through rigorous training exercises - nice. Then about 30 seconds later any notion of this being a serious movie are tossed gleefully out the window as the focus changes to female ninja and their training methods. This includes a mud wrestling match to the death that plays over most of the opening credits, and repeated half naked dipping into an icy pool. Thankfully after that, the weak exploitation stuff falls to the wayside and unadulterated asskicking takes over.

The plot concerns a total prick of a Hong Kong businessman who is being targeted by Ninja for assassination, and the Chinese kendo instructor (Chen Kwan Tai) he hires to protect him. Lots of cheese on display here, like when a female ninja hypnotizes another girl with bright blue orbs that shoot from her eyes, or when a guy gets attacked with a machete in the shower and responds by spraying his attacker with the shower head. There's also plenty of brutal fighting in the flick, including an insane beatdown when Tai takes on about 15 ninja single-handed, using only a pair of tonfa. HELL YEAH. Of course the final battle between Tai and Kurata is incredible, although for some reason, they filmed about 1/3 of it in the pitch black, and you can't see a thing. When the lights are on though, the two veteran screen fighters put on a clinic, with Kurata even busting out some lightning fast monkey style at the end. Me likey.

Ninja 3: The Domination - This flick starts out really promising with a ninja slaughtering about 30 people at a golf course, including a bunch of cops, before being cornered and gunned down. The ninja sees a girl before he dies and magically transmits his spirit into her, and the next 45 minutes of the movie is the girl and her cop boyfriend trying to figure out why she's suddenly got an interest in Japanese swords and keeps blacking out. There's all kinds of stupid Poltergiest/Exorcist crap in there to pad the running time, plus Sho Kosugi standing around looking tough in an eye-patch. Finally around the hour mark, we get another police massacre at a graveyard before Sho goes into action...first fighting the girl to force the ninja spirit back into it's own body in a blur of cheap effects, and then kicking his ass.

All around, a pretty shit movie with way too much melodrama and not nearly enough ninja antics. It wasn't even goofy enough to laugh at, except for the clothes people are wearing in the gym club scene. Lucinda Dickey plays the main chick, and she's kinda cute, like a mix of a young Geena Davis and Linda Hamilton, but she never gets her cans out, and she falls for this dweeby little guy with a furry back and shoulders. Weak. At least lots of people get killed.

And there you have it. My bloodlust is whetted. My shuriken sharpened. I've got my ninja headband. Ninja Assassin here I come.

Snaptu review for blackberry curve 83xx

2009-12-01T05:49:00.000-08:00

Shit. I'm'll come clean. I'm a cellphone junkie. I go through about five a year. As of recent I got myself a twitter account and I started following a friend of mine. Long story short he sends me a link to a site to download snaptu, what's snaptu? Well it is a sweet ass app for your cellphone/device I can hold down my facebook,twitter and all of my blogs, it also has a bunch of other stuff, but I don't use that.so if you have a blackberry or any other sort of 'smartphone' go to m.snaptu.com and get to downloadin!
4.5 out of 5
Twitter.com/smashatomz
Sent from my BlackBerry device from Cincinnati Bell Wireless

Ninja Assassin Video Review

2009-11-29T14:42:00.000-08:00

As promised, here's the video review for Ninja Assassin. Hopefully it gets on, I mean MY NAME ON THERE IS KIDNAPPED BY NINJAS LIKE THIS BLOG. THAT'S FUCKING INSTANT CREDIBILITY, SON.

November Projects and School

2009-11-29T10:55:00.000-08:00

So a lot of you have gone to University/College whatever, some form of higher learning. You guys will understand that November, and its counterpart April, SUCK. Not just like, oh man that sucks. No like full on cock in mouth, suck rape.

This is it for me. My final November projects are coming to a close. I finished my last paper two weeks ago. I even made a big deal about it, had a party and everything. I was stoked, and now I am doing crap that isn't writing and I can't get into it. I do teach kids three days a week, kind of weird situation but I do it. I am going to be a full time teacher after Christmas. I am becoming an adult at a time in my life where I don't want to be. I am okay with all of that, but it doesn't make November any less shitty.

Why does every fucking professor decide that November is a great time for you to turn shit in. Just once I would like a professor to be like, Hey guys you know what, HALF OF YOUR GRADE IS DUE THE SECOND WEEK OF CLASSES! You get it over with. You're done, no more worrying. No I am sitting around the past couple of days putting together interventions for kids. Interventions that help kids read better to be specific. It's not hard, just tedious. When I finish the last one, I don't know what will happen. My academic career will basically be finished.

I still hate you November, and making every thing due at the same time. This post is for November. How much of an asshole the month is, and I'm already tired of writing about wrestlers. So I will not contribute to that anymore, not even to tell my funny house show stories. I will continue to post about food and southern culture, and any insane crap my 2nd graders do.

Wackydeli.

The Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever (in no paticular order)

2009-11-28T12:17:00.000-08:00

Whats good my ninjas! It is I, CaesaroKing, bringin you some royalty in your life...Speaking of royalty, I am here to talk about one man that lives and breathes royalty...A man that really don't need no introduction.... I am talking about....

William Regal...

He is one of , in my opinion, underrated wrestlers today. He can be technical with the best or he can down right get hardcore with your ass. In his career he held many titles such as the IC Title(2 times), multi-tag champ inWWE, WCW TV Champion(4 times) and lets not forget that he is a honorary memeber of the Kiss My Ass club. He even trained some of the stars of today such as Chris Hero, Samoa Joe, CM Punk, Bryan Danielson, and Brian Kendrick.

Now to prove to you why this man should be in this list...Think back to William Regal vs Lance Storm on Monday Night Raw...When this match began, I thought it was just another filler until after Lance Storm hit a perfectly executed dropkick..Well se for ya self...

Just brutality at its finest. Now Storm said that the match wasn't stiff, but it sure did look like it to me. I hope to see in the near future before Regal hangs up the brass knucks, that he wins another title. Regal even said a quote that made me chuckle was back in WCW when he said to an interviewer "Do you know what my New Year's resolution is going to be? To wake up a half an hour earlier so I can hate you more." Just plain awesome.

The Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever (in no particular order)

2009-11-28T09:51:00.000-08:00

You know something, Japanese TV is pretty lenient with what they let on the air. Violence and nudity can be pretty common on anything from anime to television gameshows.

But man, Japanese Wrestling TV isn't like that, right? I mean, shit. We had future listmakers Abdullah the Butcher carving up Terry Funk on national TV and getting huge ratings for All Japan.

Well, I would like to introduce you to someone. A rocker, a wrestler, and someone who is TOO HOT FOR JAPANESE TV. Let me introduce you to...

The Crazy SKB

Hardcore is a label thrown around far too easily in professional wrestling, but the Crazy SKB is the lead singer for a Hardcore band called QP Crazy, and wrestles a hardcore style for the 666 promotion, so HE'S DOUBLE HARDCORE.

Yeah, 666 is that promotion with the little girl that chokeslams people. The reason you've been able to see those clips online is because they were aired on Samurai TV's show Occupation of the Indies, an awesome magazine-styled showcase of smaller professional wrestling groups from all over Japan.

But you see, The Crazy SKB kind of broke the show. He has a unique style that involves him doing such things as putting on a coat made of firecrackers, lighting them, and jumping on a dude. Apparently, this is taboo in Japan or something, because whenever he does something cool in one of his matches, Occupation of the Indies CUTS TO STATIC. You hear all these little explosions and you're like OH SHIT DUDE and they don't show anything.

But hey, I wouldn't be your buddy if I wouldn't hook you up with some uncensored Crazy SKB action, so check some of this shit out.

Here he is wrestling Saddam, Osama, and Bush, teaming with HARASHIMA and Jun Kasai He's the guy with the white facepaint and the explosives.

This is the first Fanpost in KBN history..

2009-11-28T09:08:00.000-08:00

Now some care, and others don't. Living in the heart of Dixie most of my life I have seen both kinds of people who like sports. I am a HUGE, like Lord Humongous HUGE, fan of Ole Miss Sports. I go to Womens Soccer games, I go to Softball games, I haven't missed a Baseball game in four years. So with that said I am ECSTATIC when our football team is good, and has national recognition for an entire year.

Today is an in state rivalry game, the second rivalry game in a row. Last week the Rebels defeated the Tigers of LSU, LAWL LES MILES YOU MORON. The Rebs travel to Starkville Mississippi, or as its joked around here as being the UDDER college since they're all about animal science and agriculture, to play the Mississippi State Bulldogs.

I didn't go to Starkville since I really hate the place. I hate everything about it. In Oxford there's a convenient central location to go hangout. Starkville has like one good bar, and probably the best bowling alley in Mississippi but that doesn't save your ass Starkville.

Oh yeah there's a place called Mugshots there with a huge burger. It's okay, but I prefer my Ajax burger or Redhouse or Huey's any day of the week.

So the game today is called the Eggbowl, I don't know why or care why it's called that. Last years Eggbowl was AWESOME and Ole Miss prevailed 45-0. It was hilarious and I laughed a lot, at toothless hicks trying to fight after the game.

So here's to Ole Miss Football, and here's to a guy I miss a lot this year on our team:

Mike Wallace holding a card of Mike Wallace.

Speaking of Ninjas...

2009-11-28T08:10:00.000-08:00

Going to see Ninja Assassin tomorrow, most likely. Hopefully Denizen does too so we can have DUELING REVIEWS(even if we both feel the same way about it). I'm pretty excited. I'm not usually THAT excited about seeing movies, so hopefully it's not a letdown. I mean, JMS wrote it. He wrote the best Ghostbusters cartoons ever, and I love me some Ghostbusters...BUT he also totally fucked up Spider-Man and that was a lot more recent.

So yeah, expect that video review sometime Sunday, and expect more of the Top 1 Billion list. I was serious about artwork being mixed in there, so I want to work on some. I've been itching to doodle some Kamala. Shut up.

The Top 1 Billion Wrestlers Ever (in no particular order)

2009-11-27T23:01:00.000-08:00

Conveniently enough, this post happens to coincide perfectly with the Top 1B list. :D
Last week, I was fortunate enough to find a discount-priced 3-pack tin of "WWE Legends Collection, Volume 2". It contained 6 discs of classic awesomeness (each of the 3 features themselves are available for a discount priced AFAIK), and though I promised to start with the feature on the AWA, I found myself with time to kill tonight due to the presence of reruns after SmackDOWN!

So I present to you the Man of the Hour, the Tower of Power, the Arizona flower who's TOO SWEET TO BE SOUR...

"Superstar" Billy Graham.

Most of us know this story by now: Billy Graham, the muscle-man...charismatic and all muscle-manly...wearing tie-dye shirts and boas...the original bleached-blond bad-boy bodybuilder of the squared circle who inspired Hulk Hogan (THE PYTHONS), Jesse Ventura (THE BOAS), and even Triple H (uh...er...THE GAME-UH!) and had a short-but-memorable reign as WWWF Champion (3 W's, people).

But there was other stuff most people didn't know unless they were voracious about wrestling history (or watched this 3-hour gem of a disc). There was his drug addictions, the fact that HE apparently instigated the infamous Steroid Trials that almost bankrupted WWFE and split up Vince and Hogan, the fact that Graham and Dusty had actually been a successful tag team (let alone the fact that Dusty apparently worked New York and Vince-Land BEFORE the late 80's), and the fact that there's no possible way in hell that Graham-with-hair could POSSIBLY be the same Graham as Graham-with-no-hair (even though it happened) because they look WAY DIFFERENT from each other.

And you know what else I learned watching this DVD? He actually made Vincent Kennedy (KENNEDY!!) McMahon feel bad for being a douchebag at some point. Yeah. Graham did that.

I still think he looks like Scott Steiner in 15 years (at pretty much any point in time), but damn if "Superstar" Billy Graham won't make the list...for the Top 1 Billion Wrestlers EVER.

Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee...there ain't NOBODY as pretty or as powerful as "Superstar" Billy G.